Brought mum home from the care home today, picked her up early having farmed out all but one of the children so that I could take her to Sainsbury's to 'help' buy food for Good Friday tea, stopped to get her crisps and biscuits and cakes to take back to care home.
Took her to church, home for hot cross buns, let her 'help' by sweeping in the garden even though it took so much longer to clear the winter leaves etc up with her helping. Put a chair out for her to sit in the sun, put the TV on for her when she wanted to be inside
Had tea complete with carrot serviettes and malteaser bunnies.
When it came time for her to come home, we go out through the door quite happily, get in the car and I have barely started the engine when I get 'As far as I can see there is nothing wrong with me, I dont' know what you're saying about me to people. You've just put me in this place to die. It continued in a worsening state for the 10 min drive to the care home, felt like an hour though, Again it's I don't care about her, I don't want anything ot do with her, when I remind her that we've just had a whole ay today together and that I'm doing the same on Sunday it is totally dismissed.
I tried pointing out that I simply can't cope anymore, I said if she wanted to go back and live in her own home she would have to accept carers in to do washing, dressing and meal times and actually let them in, all I get is a sulky 'that wouldn't be very nice would it'
If I tell her I love her it is shrugged off, all she can see is that I'm not there all the time and I've now committed the ultimate crime of moving her to a care home after she started refusing to let my husband in to do meals and mediaction when i went away to work.
Problem is, that she now views her house and living there through completley rose tinted glasses, everything bad she said about it I'm making up.
If I point out something that she can't manage like cooking or shopping, or most things really, it isn't that she can't do them it is my fault because I won't let her.
I got back in the car tonight and journeyed home with this mixture of anger, crying and downright grief I think.
I feel like I'm hurting her in order to survive, I know in my head that she said similar things about me when I was at home but now the fact that I've put her into a care home is another stick to beat me with. I wish there was someone else to take a part of this responsibility, but my sisters have no contact with my mother and so it is just me, depriving someone of their liberty is such a final thing to do, I feel I'm going to spend the rest of her life trying to do nice things to try to make up for this crime and always always being told how terrible I am.
I found out I was pregnant a week ago, all I want to do is tell my mum, but she's not my mum, and it's killing me. I don't know how we are going to cope with another baby on top of all of this.
Sorry for the rant, better to put it down in words here than say at home while the kids are still up
Took her to church, home for hot cross buns, let her 'help' by sweeping in the garden even though it took so much longer to clear the winter leaves etc up with her helping. Put a chair out for her to sit in the sun, put the TV on for her when she wanted to be inside
Had tea complete with carrot serviettes and malteaser bunnies.
When it came time for her to come home, we go out through the door quite happily, get in the car and I have barely started the engine when I get 'As far as I can see there is nothing wrong with me, I dont' know what you're saying about me to people. You've just put me in this place to die. It continued in a worsening state for the 10 min drive to the care home, felt like an hour though, Again it's I don't care about her, I don't want anything ot do with her, when I remind her that we've just had a whole ay today together and that I'm doing the same on Sunday it is totally dismissed.
I tried pointing out that I simply can't cope anymore, I said if she wanted to go back and live in her own home she would have to accept carers in to do washing, dressing and meal times and actually let them in, all I get is a sulky 'that wouldn't be very nice would it'
If I tell her I love her it is shrugged off, all she can see is that I'm not there all the time and I've now committed the ultimate crime of moving her to a care home after she started refusing to let my husband in to do meals and mediaction when i went away to work.
Problem is, that she now views her house and living there through completley rose tinted glasses, everything bad she said about it I'm making up.
If I point out something that she can't manage like cooking or shopping, or most things really, it isn't that she can't do them it is my fault because I won't let her.
I got back in the car tonight and journeyed home with this mixture of anger, crying and downright grief I think.
I feel like I'm hurting her in order to survive, I know in my head that she said similar things about me when I was at home but now the fact that I've put her into a care home is another stick to beat me with. I wish there was someone else to take a part of this responsibility, but my sisters have no contact with my mother and so it is just me, depriving someone of their liberty is such a final thing to do, I feel I'm going to spend the rest of her life trying to do nice things to try to make up for this crime and always always being told how terrible I am.
I found out I was pregnant a week ago, all I want to do is tell my mum, but she's not my mum, and it's killing me. I don't know how we are going to cope with another baby on top of all of this.
Sorry for the rant, better to put it down in words here than say at home while the kids are still up