Hello, My name is Steve. Looking through the messages on TP over the last couple of weeks it is clear that there are so many people out there dealing with and caring for family members with Dementia. I guess there are people out there in a similar situation to myself but I would be grateful for any ideas or suggestions that could help.
My mum is now 66 years old and with hindsight it is clear that the onset of of her memory problems extended well back into her working life. Mum retired at 60 and for a couple of years all seemed rosey, until sadly my father died suddenly of a heart attack. Mum initially coped very well with the loss and over the next year even managed to travel round the world with some of her friends. But things started to go down hill after this with a loss of confidence in travelling outside her local area in the car and the start of the constant phone calls. After seeing the doctor and being referred the consultant mum was diagnosed with dementia. Medication certainly stablised mums immediate problems but over the last two years she has been gradually getting worse.
Unfortunately both myself and my brother live a fair distance away from mum. I live over 2 and half hours drive away. We manage to visit every other weekend and I speak to her everyday although the conversationa are limited and now it is mainly to satify myself that she is home and safe for the night. Both my brother and I have fairly demanding jobs and I also have 3 quite demanding children. Mum still has some family close, and until the last 6 months was still helping my grandad (who has failed to have any sympathy with mums situation and thinks she should be put in a home, parents!!) We arranged through the social services for a carer to visit twice a day for the last 18 months and when she manages to catch mum in does help alot. My uncle also manages to visit once a week and the neighbours have been fantastic.
We took the car off her sometime ago (the incident with the 4 separate police regions involved is a separate story, fortunately no harm to mum or anyone else).
Mum has now got into the routine of going on the bus to the local town everyday and now mostly twice a day, with the days getting longer I am sure it could be three or even four times a day. At the moment the bus station is in the process of being altered, so she has taken to catching a taxi home. Which is fine but she fails to have any money with her and the neighbours end up having to pay (sometimes twice a day) Fortunately as I have said the neighbours are fantastic and very helpful, even if a little out of pocket by the end of the week. I am concerned how long their good will can last. My brother now gets daily calls from the neighbours and carer with details of mums latest exploits.
It is my opinion that mum is not now capable of looking after herself and I think that she could start to put herself at risk . I am very conscious of the advice given that we should try to keep people with dementia in their own homes and in environments that they feel comfortable. She has lived in the same house now for just over 41 years.
She is now not capable of even making herself a decent cup of tea. We ensure that there is always food in the house, but she seems to eat takeaways most days and drinks coke or orange juice. She was spoiled a bit by my dad and very rarely did any cooking herself for many years. The carer helps and makes meals for her but I don't know what is best for her in the future.
We have considered the options of her moving closer to us but I think unless it is into a care home I cannot see this happening. She came up to stay with us at Christmas and even though we have been in this house for nearly ten years and she has visited regularly, she honestly didn't know where she was and you could see she was very uncomfortable.
My brother is going to arrange a reassessment by social services to see if there is anymore help they can give. Mum to say the least is stubborn and understandably does not like any change in her routine. I struggle to see what other help they can offer other than a 24 hour security guard. I am very concerned about mum and I do not want to unduly upset her. When she was first diagnosed she pleaded with me that she did not want to go into a home and I cannot get this out of my head. I am also conscious that we cannot make her go into a home if she does not want to. So what else is there? I fear that there are some tough choices ahead. I feel so guilty living as we do, so far away and not being able to help more without totally destroying the career and family life we have worked so hard on over the last 20 years.
I am going down to visit mum this weekend, Mothers Day so that should be nice.
Any suggestions on what to do next will be gratefully received.
Many thanks
Steve
My mum is now 66 years old and with hindsight it is clear that the onset of of her memory problems extended well back into her working life. Mum retired at 60 and for a couple of years all seemed rosey, until sadly my father died suddenly of a heart attack. Mum initially coped very well with the loss and over the next year even managed to travel round the world with some of her friends. But things started to go down hill after this with a loss of confidence in travelling outside her local area in the car and the start of the constant phone calls. After seeing the doctor and being referred the consultant mum was diagnosed with dementia. Medication certainly stablised mums immediate problems but over the last two years she has been gradually getting worse.
Unfortunately both myself and my brother live a fair distance away from mum. I live over 2 and half hours drive away. We manage to visit every other weekend and I speak to her everyday although the conversationa are limited and now it is mainly to satify myself that she is home and safe for the night. Both my brother and I have fairly demanding jobs and I also have 3 quite demanding children. Mum still has some family close, and until the last 6 months was still helping my grandad (who has failed to have any sympathy with mums situation and thinks she should be put in a home, parents!!) We arranged through the social services for a carer to visit twice a day for the last 18 months and when she manages to catch mum in does help alot. My uncle also manages to visit once a week and the neighbours have been fantastic.
We took the car off her sometime ago (the incident with the 4 separate police regions involved is a separate story, fortunately no harm to mum or anyone else).
Mum has now got into the routine of going on the bus to the local town everyday and now mostly twice a day, with the days getting longer I am sure it could be three or even four times a day. At the moment the bus station is in the process of being altered, so she has taken to catching a taxi home. Which is fine but she fails to have any money with her and the neighbours end up having to pay (sometimes twice a day) Fortunately as I have said the neighbours are fantastic and very helpful, even if a little out of pocket by the end of the week. I am concerned how long their good will can last. My brother now gets daily calls from the neighbours and carer with details of mums latest exploits.
It is my opinion that mum is not now capable of looking after herself and I think that she could start to put herself at risk . I am very conscious of the advice given that we should try to keep people with dementia in their own homes and in environments that they feel comfortable. She has lived in the same house now for just over 41 years.
She is now not capable of even making herself a decent cup of tea. We ensure that there is always food in the house, but she seems to eat takeaways most days and drinks coke or orange juice. She was spoiled a bit by my dad and very rarely did any cooking herself for many years. The carer helps and makes meals for her but I don't know what is best for her in the future.
We have considered the options of her moving closer to us but I think unless it is into a care home I cannot see this happening. She came up to stay with us at Christmas and even though we have been in this house for nearly ten years and she has visited regularly, she honestly didn't know where she was and you could see she was very uncomfortable.
My brother is going to arrange a reassessment by social services to see if there is anymore help they can give. Mum to say the least is stubborn and understandably does not like any change in her routine. I struggle to see what other help they can offer other than a 24 hour security guard. I am very concerned about mum and I do not want to unduly upset her. When she was first diagnosed she pleaded with me that she did not want to go into a home and I cannot get this out of my head. I am also conscious that we cannot make her go into a home if she does not want to. So what else is there? I fear that there are some tough choices ahead. I feel so guilty living as we do, so far away and not being able to help more without totally destroying the career and family life we have worked so hard on over the last 20 years.
I am going down to visit mum this weekend, Mothers Day so that should be nice.
Any suggestions on what to do next will be gratefully received.
Many thanks
Steve