Care home worries/ Frail dad :/(

[Gwendy1]

Hi, I'm new here. My wee dad has Alzheimer's. He's been in care home for nearly a year. Prior to that, the family organised private care 24hrs a day after mum died nearly 2 years ago. He's 81. Had pneumonia in dec, and again at the end of January. Remarkably, my wee dad has fought it off- twice! I'm aware he may be at the end of this evil disease- has swallowing problems, incontinent and needs help to walk. My worry is, the last twice he has been ill, I had to alert the staff at care home... They didn't notice. I am now going every day after work, because I'm terrified he will become unwell, and no one will notice. He has a DNR in place, and I don't want him to go to hospital again unnecessarily. I just can't seem to function fearing he may suffer, because I'm not there to pick up that he's in pain or ill. Has anyone any advise? I feel I'm letting dad down, my family, and my work- just not functioning anywhere...

 

[Shedrech]

Hi Gwendy1
I am so sorry you are feeling so fearful and weighed down by responsibility.
You are obviously a deeply caring and loving daughter
you can't, though carry on this way - apologies for being so blunt
I appreciate that you feel the care home have not given your dad as much attention as they should - you can't however be spending all your 'spare' time there, especially if you have a family of your own, who need you

please go discuss this with the manager and be as direct with him/her as you have been in your post - let the staff know exactly what you spotted that they missed so that they know precisely what to look for, tell them the signs that your dad gives out when he is unwell - ask them to call you if they are at all concerned
it must be hard for you to wholly trust others to care for your dad - but you will be no good to him if you run yourself into the ground - dare I say that he wouldn't want this from you, he would want you to try to step back a little and look after yourself too

is it possible to take a few days holiday from work so that you can recuperate yourself - you have been through a pretty stressful time and need space to settle your own mind and feelings - can you chat with your family and let them know how you are feeling, as you seem to have worked together over the years

you are certainly not letting him down in any way - you have been amazing - you have been standing by both your parents for a long time - be gentle with yourself

my dad too is in a care home and I do all I can for him - so I can begin to comprehend how you feel - I know, though, that were I in your position he would say to me what I have written here - whether I would listen ....

very best wishes to you

 

[Gwendy1]

Thank you Shedrech

Hi Gwendy1
I am so sorry you are feeling so fearful and weighed down by responsibility.
You are obviously a deeply caring and loving daughter
you can't, though carry on this way - apologies for being so blunt
I appreciate that you feel the care home have not given your dad as much attention as they should - you can't however be spending all your 'spare' time there, especially if you have a family of your own, who need you

please go discuss this with the manager and be as direct with him/her as you have been in your post - let the staff know exactly what you spotted that they missed so that they know precisely what to look for, tell them the signs that your dad gives out when he is unwell - ask them to call you if they are at all concerned
it must be hard for you to wholly trust others to care for your dad - but you will be no good to him if you run yourself into the ground - dare I say that he wouldn't want this from you, he would want you to try to step back a little and look after yourself too

is it possible to take a few days holiday from work so that you can recuperate yourself - you have been through a pretty stressful time and need space to settle your own mind and feelings - can you chat with your family and let them know how you are feeling, as you seem to have worked together over the years

you are certainly not letting him down in any way - you have been amazing - you have been standing by both your parents for a long time - be gentle with yourself

my dad too is in a care home and I do all I can for him - so I can begin to comprehend how you feel - I know, though, that were I in your position he would say to me what I have written here - whether I would listen ....

very best wishes to you

Thank you Shedrech, for your very sound advice. I would have given the same to myself, when my mind was more calm! It's so odd that I am usually so in control and able to deal with things until the last couple of years. I plan what I'm going to say at the CH, then I don't feel able to say it- the thing is, I know my dad better than anyone, he never let me down in his life. I'm terrified I'll let him down when he needs me most. Your dad is lucky to have you too. X X