emotional abuse

[poster]

Hi not been here for a while. Not had much contact with my mother since she rased conerns and told me not to go back to see her etc. I have actually found a hairdresser who will shape my hair to my liking but my mother is still vile and says awful things to me. She still holds the opinion that I have an adictive personality and now says that I am only obeying her because I am worried I may never see her again before she dies so I am not having my hair done because I want to, I am having it done because she forced me into it.

Nobody forces me to do anything. I am actually doing it for me. We are still at loggerheads and that I am afraid will never change. She excerts a lot of power and always has done long before she had dementia. My father was so afraid of her he just obeyed her. I am not like that but she thinks she has the power and the upper hand over me and that I am afraid of never seeing her again. She is completely wrong on that score and if it came to it, my happiness and well being is more important than doing as she says just so that I can see her again. So when I get it done, I have told her I am sending her a photo of what I look like and if she does not like it then there is nothing else I can do and we wil never see one another again.

 

[canary]

Hello poster, Im sorry that you are still at loggerheads and Im sorry that you feel that you cant just ignore it. Your mum is trying to hang onto control because she knows that she is losing control of so much else. Remember that when you are talking to her you are the only adult in the room - it is actually you that holds all the cards and has control. Her twisted "logic" is, Im afraid, typical of dementia.

Im glad you have found somewhere that does your hair to your liking - a good hairdresser is worth their weight in gold, as they say. I honestly wouldnt bother sending her a photo of it as she will be unable to make a rational judgement. Why not just go and visit her, dont say anything at all about your hair and if she makes a comment just shrug and say "Im sorry you dont like it" and change the subject?

 

[Amy in the US]

Hello, poster; it's nice to "see" you here again.

I'm sorry that the situation is still so difficult.

You are absolutely right that your happiness and well being are important! Don't lose sight of that.

At the end of the day, we all have to make a decision we can live with, both now and down the road a bit, and only you can know what is going to be the action you can live with.

I hope you are able to find your way through this, and wish you all the best.

 

[fizzie]

So pleased you have found the hairdresser that you like and all is well in that area.
So pleased to hear that you found another online place that was really helpful to you.
I agree with Canary that your mother is holding control over the things that she can and you need to ignore it all and spend the short time that you might have left together enjoying each others company. Ignore the comments and get on with the positives. Life is too short to keep arguing and you will never win against dementia so don't bother trying.

 

[poster]

Yeah so I will just pretend to my mother and agree with everything she says and that way we will stop arguing and keep what I really think to myself.

 

[poster]

Sadly,dementia is a battle you can't win.

Sadly I do not think I can have contact with my mum. She drains me emotionally and it is dangerous for my state of mind. When she feeds me with negativity I start to feel down and start to believe things about myself that are not true. For example, today she told me that my previous hairdressers were lying to me when they said I looked nice because they are in a money making business and it is in their interests to tell a client that he or she looks nice even when they look a mess. That made me think I am a gullible fool to believe what they have said to me. It has now made me very wary of anyone because she has fed me with the thought that people lie to me.

It is dangerous to be around her. When I stopped having contact with her for a while, I gained my self confidence back only to have it knocked again.

 

[fizzie]

Well it sounds as though you have made that decision, so hopefully that will bring you peace of mind and you will no longer need to struggle with this. That must be good.

 

[fizzie]

Yeah so I will just pretend to my mother and agree with everything she says and that way we will stop arguing and keep what I really think to myself.

Excellent, yes that is absolutely right and that is how many of us deal with dementia and keep our households happy, we live in the world of dementia. Surely you can do that once every 3 months when you see your mother, you can express what you really feel to others for the rest of the time but there is no need to keep arguing with your mum because it won't bring either you or her any happiness and that would be a shame.

 

[poster]

Excellent, yes that is absolutely right and that is how many of us deal with dementia and keep our households happy, we live in the world of dementia. Surely you can do that once every 3 months when you see your mother, you can express what you really feel to others for the rest of the time but there is no need to keep arguing with your mum because it won't bring either you or her any happiness and that would be a shame.

Yes you are right. I have some hard thinking to do. I am not in a very good place right now emotionally. We do not have a good relationship and try as I might, all my mum wants to talk about is my 'problems' and how I have personality traits which are not good and she goes on at me a lot about that and the more someone goes on to you about it the more you get emotionally drained and need to get away. You know, even if I visit every three months, in the back of my mind I will think is she going to bring up a lot of negativity or will it be a nice pleasant visit as it should be. I cannot go under these circumstances as I will be on tender hooks the whole time, walking on eggshells.

However a friend pointed out to me who lives with her husband who has dementia and quite badly so, she cannot abandon him so she just puts up with it. Thankfully my mum is in a care home but I feel I am passing the buck because as a baby I was fed and clothed and then put in school so I owe it to my mother to do the right thing and keep in touch and not disown her because I am selfishly thinking about myself. However on another site, someone said "you have to take care of yourself and if that means cutting contact then that is how it has to be" Also I was told that my mother is being looked after in a home so I do not have to worry about her and I must start thinking of myself or I will grind myself into the ground and have a breakdown.

 

[onlyme1]

hi poster. i have bipolar disorder, my mum and dad supported me unconditionally for 30+ years even when I did all i could to turn them against me. knowing that anyone cared about me somehow made my illness harder to endure. now they both have dementia and live in a care home. so far they're showing no sign of hostility towards me and if/when they do I'll know mum or dad are still there and the dementia is trying to cloud my perception of them, just like my illness did to me. I'm 60 years old today and I wish my mum knew ... but she doesn't and never will again. bless her. xx. your mum lacks capacity and as such cannot be held accountable for her behaviour.

 

[poster]

hi poster. i have bipolar disorder, my mum and dad supported me unconditionally for 30+ years even when I did all i could to turn them against me. knowing that anyone cared about me somehow made my illness harder to endure. now they both have dementia and live in a care home. so far they're showing no sign of hostility towards me and if/when they do I'll know mum or dad are still there and the dementia is trying to cloud my perception of them, just like my illness did to me. I'm 60 years old today and I wish my mum knew ... but she doesn't and never will again. bless her. xx. your mum lacks capacity and as such cannot be held accountable for her behaviour.

Hello and thanks. I know she cannot be held accountable. All throughout my childhood an early adult years my mum has held the view of tough love. She thinks tough love is the only way and a softly softly approach gets you nowhere. I think that is why she raised merry hell and told me I was ugly and deluded etc

 

[Chemmy]

Hello poster. It's good to hear from you again.

I'm pleased you've sought advice and guidance from friends and other forums because that'll enable to you come to the decision that's right for you. No one else can make that for you (certainly none of us on here).

Whatever you decide to do, try and do it without feeling resentment or guilt. Both are destructive emotions and help neither you or your mum. I wish you well.

 

[canary]

Yes, poster, you do indeed have to look after yourself and I would not advise anyone to care for someone at the expense of their own health. If cutting contact is the only way then so be it.

I do however wonder why you are back here. Is it that this approach doesnt completely satisfy you? Dealing with someone with dementia is hard (I wont underplay it) - you cannot reason or argue with them; you have to let things go that irritate you and you have to bite your tongue and not defend yourself even when you know that you are in the right. It is counterintuitive and doubly difficult when you didnt have an easy relationship to start with.
Your mum is not being purposely nasty. Her reality is skewed, but to her it is complete reality and she will not be removed from it - you will not be able to get her to enter your world. What you do is refuse to be drawn into nasty conversations and try and divert her thinking into something else - not always easy. When mum was in hospital recently she thought that she was in prison and that I had put her there. She could not be convinced, so I changed the subject to telling her about baby clothes that I was knitting which led to reminiscing about her knitting for me when I was baby and what patterns, colours etc she used. Obviously you have to use what works for your mum, but I thought I would give it as an example. For a while afterwards every time she saw me she remembered that she was angry with me, although she couldnt remember why and came up with various stories about things I had supposedly done. Upsetting, yes, but without me reinforcing it her memory of the event has faded and so have the stories of me being the villain.

 

[Quilty]

Hello poster. I had an emotionally abusive mother too. Its hard now not to feel the hurt when she is horrible to me. She is pressing buttons she created when you were small. It may gave been deliberate in the past but she is no longer in our reality. Its hard not to feel the hurt when it is so deep. I wish you well. I think you need to decide if staying in contact with your mother is worth the pain. I understand what you are going through. We do not judge you. Be kind to yourself.

 

[LYN T]

Poster, whilst you may escape the immediate emotional pain if you decide not to see your Mother again, please stop and think about how you will feel when your Mum dies. She is an elderly lady with dementia who can't control her fixations. You have no such handicaps and even the most attentive family members, who see their relatives on a regular basis, come on this Forum and speak of guilt, as well as grief, at their relatives passing. Please just stop and think if the emotions that you could experience would possibly be worse than putting up with your hurt feelings at this time.

Guilt is a destructive emotion, and for the sake of dealing with hurt feelings over a hairstyle, it could be the very thing that leads you to the meltdown that you talk of.

Visiting once every three months may seem disturbing to you but it may be the action that keeps you on an even keel when the inevitable happens.

 

[Tiller Girl]

Have you spoken to anyone at the care home about this Situation? Perhaps you could come to some arrangement whereby you don't visit but ring them every month or so.

If you don't feel emotionally strong enough to cope with her outbursts then you have to find a way round it.