Thank you for all responses to "too many rocks and hard places".
I really appreciate so many thoughts, ideas and shared experiences, successes and regrets. I fear I would bore you with the details but since my original post so many changes keep occurring including Mum being vile verbally to me, brandishing a pan at me and raising it to hit me (similarly large glass sweet bowl and a vase) throwing things in paddy at me but less harmful, then crying down the phone to say sorry, then telling Dad a pack of lies about what I have allegedly said to her, full scale anger at me and Dad in which she then thumped me, denied it and said I hit her, refusing tablets but goes out for lunch with old friends and positively performs for them like butter couldn't melt in her mouth, within seconds of me taking them home she is screaming like a banshee again about hating looking after her Dad (actually husband). Has bruised both her hands badly because of the force she has banged a table in anger.
Dad nipped out this morning for half an hour (he told her whilst I was on phone to her and left her a message by bed), returned to a mouthful of abuse, she has thrown milk bottle at him, vile verbally etc. In amongst all this I need to stress Mum still functions fine in terms of dressing herself, making bed, making a cup of tea, toilet etc. Dad rings me in tears again, can't do it any more. Heartbroken she could be so caring with elderly friend they saw for lunch but never utters a word of caring for him. They have had a great life together until 4 years ago, financially very comfortable, can afford care/R's etc and have cleaners and someone going in every week for an afternoon ( 'housekeeper') to allow Dad to get out to meet with friends knowing Mum has company. I've been up again and Mum just taken her tablets (5 hours late), vicious with me but Sistr calls to see her with a friend who has known Mum some years and again, she becomes this timid, gentle, reasonable, lucid woman. Dad saying he is going to be honest with Consultant and tell him he just can't care for Mum any more; he is physically exhausted, doesn't want just respite, there is no conversation/care from her any more, she is abusive, violent but then totally denies it. Carer's coming in 2 or 3 times a day won't help him as it is happening all hours of day and night now. Just to clarify about food, Sister and I are both good cooks and ensure they have meals home made in fridge to reheat, or M&S goodies as standby, Mum just won't eat them except when brought to our homes where she then eats. Sorry I'm rambling but this is my head, like a washing machine just turning it all over. Mum in meantime insists Dad can "f*** off' as she isn't leaving her lovely home as there is nothing wrong with her and she can look after herself. I feel like I want to call her bluff and just remove Dad for a few days and withdraw all our care ......No, I won't do it. I keep telling myself it's the disease/depression/personality mix but it is cutting to the heart when she can be so nice to others and the rest of us are bending overpack wards to make her life as good as we can.
I am going to write all of this down again, chronologically, and give it to the Consultant, he just has to know the truth but I will get Dad to okay it first. He feels so bad but knowing he has heart problems again, he just can't take any more of this brain and heart bashing roller coaster.
Thank you again, I will update after consultant visit.