recent visit

[Chemmy]

We all must do what is right for us. I do love my mum because I know she cannot help it but I am not going to allow her to emotionally bully and blackmail me. I was raised to have a mind of my own and that's what I am going to do.

That is the exactly the right attitude, poster, so I'm surprised you didn't meet up with your cousin just because your mum told you not to.

My sister in law is upset with my son because he has given his new baby the same first name as her son, who now in his thirties but has been estranged from her for some years now.

I do understand why she is upset, but that doesn't give her any right to interfere in my son and his wife's decision about what to call their son, particularly as they never see each other anyway.

You can listen to and respect the other person's view, but you don't have to necessarily agree with them or do as they say. And not telling someone something is not the same as lying if it keeps the peace.

I wish you well in whatever you decide.

 

[poster]

I spoke to a friend of mine today about this situation and she said it is control. She said your mother has no right to control you as you are an adult. Anyway having not spoken to my mother since last Sunday, I thought I would ring her. I asked her how she was etc and she updated me. As soon as I mentioned visiting she said not until you sort your hair out. I then said you told me it should be shorter and she said she said no such thing but she did. I did not argue with her I just said ok I misunderstood. She then went on to say she did not know what I needed to do with my hair because she was not a hairdresser. I have a hairdresser and my mother does not think she is very good because she has advised me to have a style my mother hates. Everyone who knows me says there is NOTHING wrong with my hair and my mother reminded me that I said I asked someone and she said it was ok. My mother then said to me "how can you look at yourself in the mirror and think you look ok" I said because I do and people agree with me.

Then she said ok I want you to have your hair exactly as you want to have it, so I thought we had turned a corner but in the next breath she said she did not want me to visit her again or phone me again because we have nothing to say to each other. I thought the only thing I can do is go along with her request and respect her wishes and I told her that and then she accused me of being a cold and uncaring person. I said how can I be cold and uncaring when I said I would come and see you the week before Christmas and when you said you were lonely I decided to bring it forward and surprise you and cheer you up (and at the time she said it was nice to see me). She then said you only did that because it was your duty. So even if I got my hair cut to please her, she would find something else to have a go at me about.

I was advised by someone in light of this recent new development to contact the care home and tell the manager what has just happened because if my mother is in this frame of mind she could easily complain that her daughter has not visited or phoned and it would be advisable if the manager knew that it was because my mother had requested it not me saying I do not wish to have contact. So if they knew it had come from her they can deal with it accordingly and if necessary arrange for her to see the doctor. I have done absolutely nothing wrong except be polite, friendly and kind to my mother and this is what I get as a result.

What do I have to do to convince her that I do these things for her because I want to not because I feel it is my duty.

She said she is too old for this battle with me.... But I am not making it, she is... she is bringing it on herself. It would be a shame if we ended things like this and then she died without sorting it out and we never had a reconciliation but everyone I talk to said I should not let my mother control me. I do not want her to be upset and that is why when she said stay away and do not even phone me, I agreed to it and even that was not acceptable.

 

[poster]

edited this post as I posted twice by mistake

 

[Cat27]

She is not bringing it on herself. The dementia is bringing it on!

 

[fizzie]

I agree Cat, it is the dementia talking, all of it.

 

[poster]

I thought a sing that dementia was getting worse was when the person no longer recognises who you are. My mum knows who I am and when I have been to visit. My friends mum on the other hand ended up not knowing who her daughter was or when she had last visited.

You know, when I was trying to justify myself today, my mother said to me How on earth can you look at yourself in the mirror and think you look alright.

I wonder what my mother would say if I told her that a man I know knew me with much shorter hair and then didn't see me for a while and then saw me again with it longer and said it looked lovely. If a man can think that then it must be ok lol

 

[Chemmy]

I thought a sing that dementia was getting worse was when the person no longer recognises who you are. My mum knows who I am and when I have been to visit. My friends mum on the other hand ended up not knowing who her daughter was or when she had last visited.

There's a different progression between Alzheimer's and Vascular dementia

Very often people with vascular dementia maintain their personality and retain some abilities until the later stages of the disease. This is different for those with Alzheimer's who are likely to experience a decline in all abilities. This is because vascular dementia can affect distinct parts of the brain whereas Alzheimer's disease affects the entire brain.

You can read more on post #3 in this thread

http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/show...s-and-Vascular-Dementia-is-there-a-difference

 

[fizzie]

it follows all sorts of different courses. my Ma knew who I was and who her grandchildren were and attended a mainstream lunch club (very well supported by them) right til the end. She needed a LOT of support but the kids and I managed it to the end because that is what she wanted. I look after another relative who is younger, has had memory loss for far less time than my Ma but is much more severely affected. One of the things they have in common is that you can logically discuss with them - they have/had fixed ideas, often relating to long ago and the conversation and thought processes simply do not follow a 'normal' pattern - sometimes they 'appear' to but the reality is that they don't

However if it is the early/ish stages of dementia then most people may not know there is a problem.

The one thing that is guaranteed is that it is progressive.

Everyone is different and those of us on here can only relate to our own experiences and we can only say what has worked for us but because many of us have lived with dementia/memory loss close hand often for many years we can spot similarities and we have an instinctive understanding of where problems might occur and how we might tackle them.

We are not perfect, just trying to help

 

[poster]

Yes I know ok thanks

My friends mum is 90 and has not got dementia of any kind. She said that's because her mum does word search puzzles and crosswords to keep her brain active. I told her my mum used to be a school teacher and was quite intellectual and used to watch Countdown and most of the time got the questions right. Up until two years ago my mother used to write poetry so I said dementia just happens and my friend agreed

Getting back to this thread. My mum has now made is perfectly clear she wants nothing more to do with me and I have to accept it and just get on with the rest of my life. I will keep in touch with the care home to see how she is though.

 

[Chemmy]

I think your friend's idea of discussing it with the care home is an excellent one.

They spend a lot of time with your mother on a day to day basis and may be able to suggest a strategy that suits you both. I'm sure they'll let you know if her attitude changes and she starts asking where you are.

Have a good Christmas, poster. Don't let this get you down. Things often resolve themselves in unexpected ways.

 

[poster]

Yes thanks I will try to have a good Christmas. I suggested putting some attractive hair slides in my hair and she did not even know what a hair slide was. She said I am confused.. what is a hair slide.

This has shocked me. I sincerely hope I never get dementia.

 

[fizzie]

That sums up dementia. ....... and we all hope we never get it but who knows what will happen and all we can do is to keep trying to make sure in our own different ways that the people who do have it have the best possible quality of life that we can give them. Amen

 

[canary]

You cant argue with dementia, it doesnt respond to logic or reasoning. Telling her that other people like your hair, or that you are a grown woman will cut no ice - dementia will trump logic every time.
I suspect that she is not remembering previous conversations properly - she just has a sort of mental connection between you and hair problems that need sorting out and her little spiel gets trotted out each time she talks to you. I am sure it will fade. Just dont try and win the argument. You will never win against dementia and it will simply reinforce the obsession.

BTW memory loss (as in, not remembering who you are) is only one of the symptoms of all types of dementia. Loss of reasoning and logic is usually an early casualty and delusions and obsessions are very common too.

 

[poster]

I am not going to go on about this again because it is becoming boring but thank for your advice and suggestions.

I will be speaking to the care home tomorrow. At least I feel sad at the thought of never speaking to my mum again. My mum actually lost touch with her own mother and it was not her mothers decision. It was the decision of my mum for various reasons and I asked her if she had any regrets about it and she said no.