So bizarre !

Grace L

Registered User
Jun 14, 2014
647
0
NW UK
Morning ...

Oh Ann , what can I say... its just completely unacceptable that anyone has to fight for respite.
(I had this respite problem with my late husband, it does not surprise me it is still happening).

I wish there was something I / we TP could do. This problem is not going to go away.


Katrine :) thank you.
Locked cabinet is polished, double doors, glass front, beading on etched glass doors, heavy (back too thick to remove / prise 'easily'). Might cause damage, so I will just leave it, thank you.
I've thought about getting my nieces eldest to ask if she can have a look at x, but she is just a little too young to involve her in my recovery.
Family know they are mine, and I WILL be getting them back.... not sure when, but I will one day.

I've just had a 'funny' idea (I wont do it)..... get a metal detector ...
Her little bungalow is stuffed full of all kinds of things she has gathered, a lot of 'useless' stuff from charity shops... other things she has gathered, that would not work.



Spamar.... xoxoxo....


Ann... good luck with your phone calls. x
 

Ann Mac

Registered User
Oct 17, 2013
3,693
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Morning all,

Thanks DL and Grace :)

Bit of a mad day, yesterday. To start, Mil wasn't for going to day care, so it took me about 10 minutes longer to get her up and washed than it usually does. Aside from the list of reasons why she was insisting she couldn't go - she was going shopping with friends, she had to go and see her 'Auntie' in hospital, the 'matron' had agreed she could have a day off, etc - she was also talking about a dream she said she had about her brother, which (as she spoke) seemed to stop being a dream and she began talking about it as if him visiting her (dressed oin a soldiers' uniform) had actually happened and it was really hard to keep her focused on getting washed and dressed. Even though the driver didn't turn up till 10 past 9, she was only ready by the skin of her teeth!

Then it was a quick fly round to get ready and go visit the home that the adult social care worker had found that had agreed to provide a respite bed for Mil. It turned out to be an older building, though purpose built for residential care. Manager seemed very approachable and informal, a massive amount of paperwork which very thoroughly covered Mils basic needs - though she (the manager) did say that any additional info about Mil would be 'fantastic'. There was a fairly strong whiff of urine in places around the home, which was a bit off putting - but the area where Mils bedroom would be was fine, as was the smaller, very secure 'annex' where it was agreed that Mil would probably be happier, as opposed to the main and much larger lounge area's in the main part of the home. All area's were quite cosy and 'home like' and cheery in decor and the way they were set out. So, OH and I agreed, and we made the booking for Mil to stay there overnight whilst we go to the graduation.

Back home, and a good while spent playing phone tag with the manager from Adult Social Care - which is infuriating! Eventually spoke to her just after 3.30. And I was left rather confused.

Despite Mils usual respite home catagorically telling me that they absolutely did not have a bed available for that date, that the bed was booked out for probably the next six months, apparently all of a sudden, a bed was available. For the exact date we needed. Only of course, we had now booked the place at the alternative home that this 'manager's' underling had found for us - and she was totally unaware that this alternative place had been found (Such fab communication between workers at Adult Social Care - NOT!). Once again, there was mention of a 'mix up' and I maybe wrong, but I did feel the implication was that I'd misunderstood! I pointed out that I had spoken to the usual home not once, but twice, to confirm that the respite bed was booked for such a long time and that there was nothing ambiguous about the manager there telling me very clearly that there would be no bed available, definitely till the end of February, and probably for another 2 to 3 months after that. Felt like a change of tack, as this person then went on to say that I was 'quite right', the bed was not commissioned for temporary placements and that the 'contracts department' would be looking into it. I asked if the respite bed was now available again for future bookings - told that they are 'looking into it'. I told her that once they had looked into it, I expected to be told what the situation was. I pressed for consideration for a second and perhaps a 3rd bed to be commissioned as there was clearly a need - my 'questions and concerns' will be passed on. Feel like I've been left hanging again.

I suspect I won't be told anything till the next time I try to book and I find nothing is available. I am really confused about where the usual home have suddenly found this available bed from. Although I don't see what alternative I had but to respond to the loss of the bed the way I did, I am now a little worried that the home might take umbrage at me causing a stir and that this might affect Mils placement at day care, and acess to the respite bed - IF it is still there. I still intend to, if this other organisation I mentioned want to carry it forward, work with them to try and improve support and respite for PWD's and their carers in this area.

OH picked Mil up and she was very, very confused. No mention of any difficulties from DC, he said, but she filled the journey home with a rambling monologue that was all over the place and included her talking about her Dad being 'nearly 70 now' and how he was going to retire. No outright nastiness, or even bad agitation once she was home, but it seemed to me like the evening was filled with her sort of 'testing' the waters for a reaction - lots of pointed comments with her looking very obviously for a response - 'When I go home to my house, I'm going to buy a big telly like that', 'I didn't think I brought my slippers when I came to stay - I thought I'd left them at home', 'Oh - did I pack pyjama's for me to stay here tonight?'. I mostly didn't respond or answered with a complete change of subject, but really did feel like she was 'needling' us. We also had a lot of her up and down looking for this, that and the other - though most of the time she was saying she didn't know what she was looking for - but she would know what it was when she found it! Bed just after 9, no worse than usual getting her sorted - but then down again just after 10, really belligerant, OH was her husband and she owns this house and who the hell did I think I was to ask her what she had come downstairs for?! OH eventually got her settled, but I'm finding this new habit of her coming down once we have started to relax very wearying. Like the prn meds, the sleeping meds seem to be having very little impact :(

Catch up with the house today, wrap the two sets of prints, ordered for Xmas presents, that have finally arrived and maybe have a snooze as I tossed and turned, it feels like, for most of last night.

Hope you all have a good day x
 
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Grey Lad

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Sep 12, 2014
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North East Lincs
Hi Ann sounds like another busy day ahead. I can't help feeling that MIL might be better off in one place. If only we could find the 'special one' she was looking for last week things would be much easier for you all. Hope you have a peaceful day. G L
 

MrsTerryN

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Dec 17, 2012
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I suspect I won't be told anything till the next time I try to book and I find nothing is available. I am really confused about where the usual home have suddenly found this available bed from. Although I don't see what alternative I had but to respond to the loss of the bed the way I did, I am now a little worried that the home might take umbrage at me causing a stir and that this might affect Mils placement at day care, and acess to the respite bed - IF it is still there.
Have to say that is why I don't push some issues with mum at the nursing home. The staff are really caring for mum so if some of the things they do grate me a little I have decided it is my issue and not affecting mum's care


Ann that lurgy of yours I think came through lol. Feeling rather ordinary today

I rang and spoke to mum's geriatrican yesterday ,she is so lovely, we had a long discussion DNR again checked. Basically mum will not be takento hospital as a general rule. Mum will be made comfortable only. I stressed how much different mum is now and how with mum having a parent with dementia mum already had stated she didn't want it.
Similar to your MIL Ann my mum isn't a contented person with dementia. She is full of anxiety ,paranoia and fear.
The Dr has prescribed risperdone for mum but it appears she will only use temporarily. She also isn't too confident that mums paranoia will decrease. Mind you she is considering anti depressants for mum.
Mum apparently in the meeting with the geriatrican was full of suspicion and was vitriolic about me. Though there was a slight twist insofar as it was mum who had an affair when she was working.
 
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RedLou

Registered User
Jul 30, 2014
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Ann - could work the other way and they'll be ultra careful never to cross you! You did the right thing. Well done.
PS In future tell them you know you have not misunderstood because you take contemporaneous notes of all conversations about MiL. Which in effect you do, thanks to TP. They're trying that one on to wriggle out of their b*lls-up, excuse my french.
 
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Rageddy Anne

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Feb 21, 2013
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Cotswolds
Just dropped in here to catch up, and am horrified that you've been put through so much grief, Ann, over one night's respite so badly needed and deserved. Where on earth do you find the energy to fight these battles while dealing with MIL and her deteriorating behaviour? I know, adrenalin helps, but heavens, you need every ounce of energy and not to have to battle for a tiny bit of respite.

I've been very lucky to discover an opportunity for a week's respite not far from here...hubs has never fitted the profile for a Day Centre, ( he's terribly aware some of the time, and just doesn't fit in) so this will be something new. Because of his awareness( which alternates with total confusion, anxiety and distress, I've had to very carefully plan how to get him to agree. We've had a home visit from the Care Home nurse for assessment, and he put on a very convincing performance, so I keep my fingers crossed. It's all described in detail on my thread Begging to Go Home.

Thank goodness you got your one day, but you shouldn't have had to fight for it. Bravo!
 

Ann Mac

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Oct 17, 2013
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She would definitely be better off using just the one place for respite, GL, if that's what you mean - unfortunately, after this last mess, I'm now by way of thinking that I can't rely on that 'one place' and it might well be better to have her familiar with an alternative - and more importantly, almost, the staff at an alternative venue also familiar with her.



Have to say that is why I don't push some issues with mum at the nursing home. The staff are really caring for mum so if some of the things they do grate me a little I have decided it is my issue and not affecting mum's care

That's how I feel, Terry - and I have over-looked any 'minor' niggles. But some things, I honestly don't think you have any option but to speak up - and this was one of those things. And although I don't feel I had any option, I am now really concerned about possible fall out, and feeling really miserable and cross because why should I have to worry about maikng a legitimate complaint about not just poor, but positively dreadful service? On a different note, hope the lurgy soon goes for you - mines still lingering, though definitely better :) Glad the DNR chat seemed to go OK for you - a hard subject to tackle, I feel for you. Like you, we've been warned that medication may never do anything to banish Mils paranoia and occasional nastiness - that's horrible for us, but now and again I stop and wonder what a dreadful miserable existence those feelings create for poor Mil too :(

Red, I hope you are right - I really have tried hard to build a good relationship with DC and respite and am fed up that I feel its been possibly jeopardised by this whole thing. A horrible side effect of all this is that I don't feel that we are 'on the same side' now, and that just isn't good for my stress levels, or for Mil's care :(

I am so glad that respite looks like its moving forward for you Anne - about flipping time you got a break, hun - I am often blown sidewise by how you (and other solo carers) manage. You so deserve some time out, hun xxxx


Just dropped in here to catch up, and am horrified that you've been put through so much grief, Ann, over one night's respite so badly needed and deserved. Where on earth do you find the energy to fight these battles while dealing with MIL and her deteriorating behaviour? I know, adrenalin helps, but heavens, you need every ounce of energy and not to have to battle for a tiny bit of respite.

I didn't have a lot of choice, Anne. I and the rest of the family really need those breaks, so I had to battle for them. Though I admit that even more than the first time, I really feel that dealing with this has knocked me for six. There's an awful feeling of - I don't want to call it dispair, because that sounds so melodramatic - but of lets say of 'gloom' at the prospect of this sort of thing happening and at having to deal with it again and again and again. Resentment and guilt that in order to get this break, Mil is going to have the added stress of dealing with a totally new environment - I feel I would be descending to the level of Social Care if I cancelled the booking we have made at the new place, particularly as the manager there has made an exception in allowing us to book a bed for respite, let alone for such a short break and has gone out of her way to accomodate Mil. Plus, given this latest episode, I feel I have to put Mils well being in almost second place as I no longer feel confident I can rely on her usual place, so might need this new home again! I just can't mess them about, it would be both wrong and possibly shooting myself in the foot to do so. A combination of being practical, knowing that we can't risk being left high and dry and yet feeling selfish, because respite is more for us than for Mil, and so I've put 'us' first, in effect.

I've really struggled this morning. When I last posted, I'd already persuaded Mil back to bed 3 times since just before 6a.m. I hadn't noticed, because her dressing gown is quite long and the pj legs are 3/4 length, that she was no longer wearing the pj's I helped her put on last night. And last night had included, when getting her undressed and to bed, her oft repeated argument that she doesn't need to wear pull ups - now and again, she recognises them for what they are, though more often she thinks that they are just ordinary knickers. Anyway, there had been the not so unusual back and to conversation, where I'd explained as tactfully as I could why it's a good idea for her to wear them and she had disagreed but finally complied. I hadn't given it another thought - till this morning. When I went into the room, bed absolutely soaked and the PJ's from the night before were shoved back in a drawer along with the pull ups - both dry. And for once, Mil seemed fairly clear on why - she told me very haughtily that she didn't 'see the need' for her to wear pull ups, so had taken them off the night before and just put a nighty on. I pointed out that the result was a wet bed.

She shrugged, as though that wasn't her problem. I found out what 'biting your tongue' really means.

Then I had to argue with her to let me wash her hair - it was only done yesterday, but the back of her head was wet and stank of wee - I just can't leave her like that, and in the end had to very bluntly spell out for her that she smelt in order to get her to agree to it being washed. So, of course, she was offended and upset and I felt like the bad guy. And then, after breakfast, we had the 'needing a brolly 'cos its raining' loop, the 'Lend me some money' loop - she refused the change I generally keep handy for this one and was demanding that I should lend her £2 - only she wanted it in pound notes!. And of course, the 'coat' loop. I absolutely know that I was short with her and she must have been aware of that, but I simply couldn't find it in me to be any different this morning. It was a relief when the mini bus turned up.

I'm now trying to summon up the energy to start on the over loaded wash basket and the catch up on the house, which has been largely neglacted due to the running round of the last two days . And yep, I know it will all be there tomorrow, but its OH's weekend in work, I'm mainly solo with Mil which means its almost impossible to tackle several jobs, so 'tomorrow' will actually not be till next Monday, when she is back in day care, and by then, the the work will have piled up to a ridiculous exent - and OH, who will help, doesn't finish his run of the long shifts till Monday night.

Need to give myself a shake - its pity-party central here today - sorry xxxx
 

loveahug

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Nov 28, 2012
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Moved to Leicester
Gosh Ann I couldn't read and run after reading your latest post, it took my breath away! I am constantly amazed by your strength and stoicism and just wanted to tell you you are amazing. If there were medals to be had, you'd have fallen over from the weight! ;)

As much as I've learned about dementia and compassionate communication and coping strategies there is no way I could have managed with mum if her behaviour had been like your MiL. I really hope you get enough respite to recharge your batteries on a regular basis but, tbh, I'm not holding my breath.

Hugs x
 

2jays

Registered User
Jun 4, 2010
11,598
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West Midlands
:eek: selfish??? You selfish???
Not in a million sand dunes filled with millions of grains of sand

My thoughts....
To continue caring for your mil. You HAVE to put yourself first 78% of the time now otherwise I would like to bet a crisis could occur. This situation is a form of crisis in my eyes..... Not necessarily your own line in the sand crisis...... That's "easy" to deal with, if you know what i mean.... But this is a different line in the sand crisis isn't it......

Huge power to your elbow, wish you didn't need to fight again..... And possibly again......

Here's me thinking Catch 22 was a book of fiction.......

Squishy hugs. xxxx


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
 

MrsTerryN

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Dec 17, 2012
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Ann you do a much for MIL respite definitely is needed. I hope obtaining it becomes easier , yep eternally optimistic
 

Slugsta

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Aug 25, 2015
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South coast of England
(((Ann))) as loveahug says, you are deserving of not one, but many medals for dealing with MIL and taking on the system. I vote with everyone else -you are about the least selfish person I have ever 'met' and even your demand for respite is so that you can return refreshed and carry on looking after MIL.

The respite business is totally unacceptable - but I know that many people are having to accept it as they have no alternative :mad: I read about the battle you had to get just that single respite bed, to learn that even that is not actually available makes me so angry. I can imagine that, for some carers, this could be the last straw. Of course I'm glad that someone miraculously managed to find a bed for MIL, but you are right to suspect that this will happen again if you don't make a noise now. One thing I do know, even without hearing the conversation I am sure that you did not 'misunderstand' what you were told. I do understand your worry that you have made things worse for MIL but no care worker worth their salt would take that out on the PWD - I suspect most will have forgotten it in 2 weeks time!

Raggedy Anne, I so hope that your plans for respite come to fruition, I really don't know how you carry on day after day- you too Mrs TN :(

Mum was quite bruised after her fall - she 'missed' the bottom step as she was going downstairs - her keys were in her pocket and she landed on them, her ribs/side were also sore today, I think she was holding the bannister and pulled them that way. However, it doesn't look as if there is anything major, so that is good. We did our usual shopping and coffee outing this morning.

Hubby's brother and SIL are here for a few days, it is nice to see them but I do find it difficult to have people around like this. I'm an unsociable curmudgeon :D

One bit of good news is that the hospital have confirmed that my consultant and his secretary manage his waiting list so I not been disadvantaged due to telling them when I would be away for a few days. Which is a great relief but it would have been better if I had not been caused 10 days of anxiety by the phone call asking if I want to go back on the list now!
 

Ann Mac

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Oct 17, 2013
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Morning all,

Thank you loveahug, Terry, 2jays and Slugsta - bless you guys. I can't tell you how much the kind words and your support lifts me up xxxx

I'd definitely say that this issue is a crisis, 2Jays - but not one of Mil's making or one that's down to her directly. This is caused simply because I suspect the home put profits before people and tried to pull a fast one over the respite bed. Even though that bed had been very well used, I guess there have been the odd occasions when it was empty, so a guaranteed full income for such an extended period must have been tempting. I honestly doubt - though if I'm wrong, apologies - that they were not aware of the diffference between 'respite' and 'temporary placements' - I havent worked in the care industry for over 4 years now, and I knew! What has really surprised me is that knowing how hard I fought for the bed in the first place, that they now seem so shocked that I'm fighting this time too. They are - from what I've seen - really surprised at me kicking off to the extent I've had to and the fuss that I have caused. OH thinks because we were so reasonable about Mil's 'great escape' that they thought we would be as 'reasonable' over no respite for so long. Maybe they don't know the difference between being reasonable - and being a Mug?

No word from adult services yesterday, and when I asked at the home last night, nope - no one knew if the issue was now sorted and if the bed was going to be available again or not. I'm giving it a week, and if no feedback (as I have been promised from Adult services), then I'll be back on the phone. Screaming. Again. :rolleyes:

Slugsta, so glad you haven't lost your place on the waiting list - but flipping heck - you could have done without the stress of worrying about it! Glad that no major damage happened to you Mum with her fall, though I would imagine she is stiff and sore, bless her. Hope her aches ease soon xxx

Picked Mil up from DC to be told they had had another rather 'fraught' day with her. She was fixated on going to Limerick, and amongst other things was certain that somebody at DC had both her bus and ferry tickets - she wanted them back and she wanted the door open so she could leave to catch the boat, and as always, she wanted that 'NOW', all day long. The staff seem constantly stunned about how she just cannot be distracted and how she just will not listen to any reassurance or attempts to calm her down. They leave me with the impression that they have never encountered anyone as stubborn as Mil before. She had barely sat down all day, refused to use her frame and been 'very agitated'. She was also really confused about where she was - by that, I mean what country she was in - at times and was ranting on about not being 'allowed' to take the walking frame to Wales, and from what I can gather, the staff really struggled to follow a lot of what she was saying. When I arrived she was soaked in sweat, hair plastered to her head - it is like a flipping oven in that place and she hadn't stopped with the up and down pacing and pestering - and adamant that the 'blue bag' she swore she had brought with her had to be found. There was no 'blue bag'. She switched from that to wanting to know where her 'friend' was. The 'friend' who had 'come here with me' and who Mil wanted to bring with us when we left. Like the 'blue bag', no one could magic this 'friend' from thin air, and she was so frustrated because she couldn't see why this 'friend' wasn't leaving with her and why no one would go looking for her.

In the car and it was still 'going to Limerick' or believeing (I think) that she was actually in Limerick that was stuck in her head. Were we going to catch the ferry now? Did I have the tickets? Did I have any problems getting the car on the ferry? Did I bring 'this car' over or had I hired it? Did I know what time we would get to Limerick? Would her Dad be meeting us? Do I know my way from here to Flood Street? Would it take me long to drive it? . I stayed calm, and asked her firmly to wait till we stopped to talk, pointing out the traffic was awful. 5 minutes later, the 'firm' request became a shouted order, and she finally was quiet.

Arriving home she - for the first time - clearly had not one clue about where she was. Usually she recognises it as mine and OH's house and will ask why we have brought her here instead of taking her home. Last night, when I stopped, she asked 'Where's this place?'. But once we got through the front door, she greeted both dogs by name and seem to re-orientate herself.

The evening was spent with little darts flying. No kick off or upset, but constant little verbal jabs, so clearly looking for a response. Lots of references to when she 'goes back' to her house and repeated questions about had she brought this with her and could I lend her that because she had 'left it at home'. Smirk there and when on one occasion I did challenge her, asking her where she lived, quick as a flas she answered 'Here - but I don't want to!', so the wee madam knew full well what she was doing. Other than that one time, i stayed completely non-committal and refused to rise. We had a brief 'I am going into the kitchen' loop before bed. but it was short lived and she did settle once I got her up to bed at just after 9. And thankfully, she stayed there, last night.

I've put her back to bed twice this morning - first time she was sure she had to get dressed to 'go catch the ferry', the second time she wanted to go to the 'dining room to order breakfast' - I told her the kitchen wasn't open yet and she replied that she wasn't going to stay in this hotel again - its a dump! :D

Usual Saturday here - dau to theatre group, Mil to friends. I have one - JUST ONE - more pressie to buy and wrap today and I'm hoping to make a supermarket run to finish off the Christmas 'store cupboard' and freezer shop. That will leave me just with the fresh fruit and veg and perishables like dairy to buy a couple of days before Xmas day. All MIl's gifts for others are bought and wrapped - not that she remembers that and is still having loops of asking about it repeatedly - all I have to do is deliver them for her. Its nice to be this organised for once!

Hope you all have a good day xxxxx
 

Grey Lad

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Sep 12, 2014
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North East Lincs
Hi Ann just popping in here to deal with your response to my comment yesterday:

'She would definitely be better off using just the one place for respite, GL, if that's what you mean - unfortunately, after this last mess, I'm now by way of thinking that I can't rely on that 'one place' and it might well be better to have her familiar with an alternative - and more importantly, almost, the staff at an alternative venue also familiar with her'.

It just seems such a busy life for you all. I often wonder if it is all too much for your MIL. Something simpler might be better but where is our Knight to take her there? G L
 

MrsTerryN

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Dec 17, 2012
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Picked Mil up from DC to be told they had had another rather 'fraught' day with her. She was fixated on going to Limerick, and amongst other things was certain that somebody at DC had both her bus and ferry tickets - she wanted them back and she wanted the door open so she could leave to catch the boat, and as always, she wanted that 'NOW', all day long. The staff seem constantly stunned about how she just cannot be distracted and how she just will not listen to any reassurance or attempts to calm her down. They leave me with the impression that they have never encountered anyone as stubborn as Mil before. She had barely sat down all day, refused to use her frame and been 'very agitated'.

Ann it is interesting how MIL is unable to be distracted and is quite stubborn. I spoke to mums geriatrican the other day to find out what she thought. She thinks mum is unlikely to be able to be diverted when she is paranoid .
I realize that many people have the same issues . I wonder why is it different now to say 30 years ago or isn't it ?
Was more medication more to "dope" the sufferers ? I know mum is difficult and can be so nasty . I just wonder why ? Is their previous good health good living had something to do with it ? It just seems that so many more reports of aggression seem to occur
 

2jays

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Jun 4, 2010
11,598
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West Midlands
Ann sweetie, dear heart, as you've only got ONE Christmas pressy to buy, and you seem not to be busy..... Could you do my Christmas shopping for me as I only have ONE Christmas pressy out of 5 needed....

:eek: Did you just call me a cheeky mare??

:D :D

Squishy one xxxxxxxxxxx



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Ann Mac

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Oct 17, 2013
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Morning all,

I don't think our lives are any busier than any other similar families lives would be, GL - a lot of the 'busy' stuff revolves around Mil's care, anyway. A simpler life for her? I don't see how that can be provided, either at home or in a care environment. At DC - which is basically her spending the day in a residential care environment rather than in a separate unit at the home now (what used to be the separate unit is now an 'activities area, from what I can gather) - I don't think its a less busy environment than home is - in fact, I suspect that so many others needing attention is even more difficult for her to cope with, and when I walk in there and several residents are needing attention at the same time, I think it might even be a lot 'busier' than here at home. Its definitely not a 'simpler' environment. But even if we could find a 'simpler' environment, I don't think she would cope any better or be any happier - her dementia has developed in a way that rules out 'happy' or even 'content' most of the time. The best we can do is see she is clean, comfortable and basically well looked after - I wish it were different :(

I honestly don't know, Terry, what if anything has changed over the last 30 years. My Gran had AZ - she was nothing like Mil. And I don't remember any PWD I came across when I worked in care who was anything like Mil. I came across physical aggression, across ladies and gentlement who were very confused but pleasant, across one lady who lived in a total belief that she was 12 and her Daddy (the policeman) was coming to pick her up soon and who was quite content when told 'Yes he will hun - later', but in terms of the endless stream of delusions and paranoia that Mil can't be distracted from - nope, I don't recall anyone who presented like that. But then, I was splitting my time between several residents and after all, went home at the end of a shift. It makes a difference. Mil's CPN has said that she has rarely come across someone as 'tortured' (her words) by such endless and varied delusions as Mil is and also said (as did the last locum consultant) that she doubts any med will ever totally ease Mil's 'symptoms'. And as you say, so many on here post of similar issues with their loved ones. Maybe its always been like this for some suffers - but just not something that is or has ever been talked about openly?

Lol 2Jays - tell you what, hun - you look after Mil for a couple of hours and I'll go shopping for you :D (now who's the cheeky mare? :p :p :p )

Mils was decidedly reluctant to visit her friend yesterday, and OH woke up full of the latest lurgy - no, scratch that - not simply the lurgy dau and I have had - he has the dreaded 'man flu' :eek: So I was about to phone Mil's friend to apologise and say we couldn't come when she rang here with the sad news that her brother had just passed away :( It was expected, but even so, a visit would have the last thing she needed. I deliberately didn't tell Mil - no doubt her friend will, when they meet, but for now I didn't see the point of giving Mil something to fret about. Daughter and I went out shopping instead - still not foud that elusive last present (this mate is sooooooooo hard to buy for!) buit I did sort out an outfit for oldests graduation. A bit different for me - a polka dot dress, to be worn over leggings and some really nice (and above all else, comfy) 'funky' boots. Youngest gave it full approval when I tried it on and OH also really liked it, so though its a massive change from my usual 'jeans and T or sweat shirt or a maxi dress', I hope it will fit the bill. Just need a hair cut and to do something about my 'Mallen streak' - I'm not going grey all over, just this wide 'stripe' - I look like a very rough version of flipping Morticia!

Mil wasn't terrible yesterday, but it was all niggles and loops for most of the day, with a spell in the late afternoon where she got quite verbally offensive - because I 'wouldn't' (obviously, it was more 'couldn't') produce the ferry tickets and take her to Limerick as she swore I had promised to do. In the end, when nothing I said could distract and I was getting comments about being a selfish ***** and a liar, I told her straight that I was sorry, but we hadn't made any such arrangements. Fine - if I was going to lie about it, she said she would go by herself - right now! I tried to be nice, saying that because of her 'bad leg, her breathing' and so on she couldn't travel by herself. More insults and a rather strange ' If I just leave I bet you will be a ***** and phone the police again, won't you? You'll tell them that I'm mental!'. At which point I gave up and asked (then told) her to go to her room.

She came down for tea an hour later, much better and we had a relatively peaceful evening, with her going to bed just before 9 - and so far she has stayed there.

Its the 'horrible' Sunday, with OH in work for 12 hours (his client is also full of the lurgy, so no fear he will pass anything on) and determined to go in as the chap he supports is a bit stressed at the moment and OH doesn't want to cause further upset. So its just me and Mil (and dau) today, with weather so miserable that there is no chance we will be going out anywhere. I'm going to try to get Mil to sign her Christmas cards today, so that's one 'distraction' and she can 'supervise' me wrapping the presents I've bought on her behalf for her friends. Our tree isn't going up till very late this year, as youngest wants to wait till her big bro and sis are home and they can decorate it together as usual, but we are putting out some other decs and a smaller tree, so we are going to try and involve MIl in that - hoping this will cut down on any chance of her kicking off - but we'll see!

Have a good day, everyone xxxx
 
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2jays

Registered User
Jun 4, 2010
11,598
0
West Midlands
You know I would be over like a shot if it's wasn't for the weather, the bone in my finger, the.... [insert your own excuse you've experienced when asking for help from someone]

Or

Ok Ann it's a deal. I shall be with you between the hours of um..... 11pm and 1am. That time suits me best and I'm sure you will find somewhere open to buy my pressies....

All seriousness, I would be over like a shot if I could xxxxxxx




Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
 

LYN T

Registered User
Aug 30, 2012
6,958
0
Brixham Devon
Morning all,

I don't think our lives are any busier than any other similar families lives would be, GL - a lot of the 'busy' stuff revolves around Mil's care, anyway. A simpler life for her? I don't see how that can be provided, either at home or in a care environment. At DC - which is basically her spending the day in a residential care environment rather than in a separate unit at the home now (what used to be the separate unit is now an 'activities area, from what I can gather) - I don't think its a less busy environment than home is - in fact, I suspect that so many others needing attention is even more difficult for her to cope with, and when I walk in there and several residents are needing attention at the same time, I think it might even be a lot 'busier' than here at home. Its definitely not a 'simpler' environment. But even if we could find a 'simpler' environment, I don't think she would cope any better or be any happier - her dementia has developed in a way that rules out 'happy' or even 'content' most of the time. The best we can do is see she is clean, comfortable and basically well looked after - I wish it were different :(

Morning Saint Ann:)

Re your MIL and the thought of a 'simpler' and less 'busy' environment. Ha! how wonderful that would be-but probably unattainable. Once my Pete got to a certain stage in his Dementia it was actually his illness that stopped that happening:( Once our home was peaceful and serene-filled with music and logical conversation-then a complete reversal happened. Pete became very 'busy'-just like your MIL. Shadowing me non stop, tearing up books, constantly pacing and his mind racing. In and out of bed (if I could even manage to get him there) hiding things, imagining the house was full of undesirables.

Pete also went to DC and, like your MIL, he was a one off for the Carers. They had never had anyone like him cross the door. It was his Dementia that made his life 'busy' so there was no way it could be simplified. I could have stopped the DC-but I needed that help:eek: You do so well with your MIL and I really think that she is so lucky to live with you and your family.

Love

Lyn T
 

Slugsta

Registered User
Aug 25, 2015
2,758
0
South coast of England
Evening,

Ann, I am in complete agreement with Lyn T - MIL is very lucky that she is cared for so well. Many other people either couldn't or wouldn't do what you do. It's a shame that the D stops her from even appreciating this :( She does sound a restless soul, I wish there was something that would give her some peace. Sorry to hear about the Man Flu, what a hero your OH is to battle sickness to go to work :rolleyes:

Welcome back 2Js, I hope you are able to get the shopping done. This year my hubby decided to put a lot of old family photos onto the comp and has given each sibling a DVD with them on as a Christmas gift. It has saved me no end of headaches!

We 'scattered' MIL's ashes today, all stood on the clifftop in the howling wind, then into the cafe for tea and buns - she would have approved.