In denial

[DMac]

Good, Im glad she now has a diagnosis - thats another thing sorted. Dont forget to go and see your GP to get him to fill in the form for Council Tax exemption.

Dont worrry too much about possible scenarios in the future and everything about possible surgery. With dementia everything can change very quickly, so its impossible to plan too far in advance. Just see what happens at the appointment for your FIL and take it from there. You have to keep in the back of your mind possibilities, but go with what works at the moment. OK for now is a good dementia mantra

Thanks Canary. Yes, I've already started the process for council tax exemption. It's worth noting, for anyone else reading this, a 25% disregard applies if a resident in the house has a severe mental impairment. There are some exceptions to this rule. Best check with your local council.

You are absolutely right to say not to worry! My husband would smile if he saw you wrote this, as he always says I worry too much! I think there's a fine balance between being aware of, and prepared to respond to future scenarios, and over-thinking and over-worrying about it. I admit I do tend towards over-worrying, but that's my nature!

Anyway, I'm off for a well-earned weekend break with my husband shortly. We are going to York to visit our nephew and niece, both studying there. Also following our football team who are playing there on Saturday!

Hope you have a restful weekend as well. Thank you for your reply. xx

 

[canary]

Have a lovely relaxing week-end in York.

 

[DMac]

Dad-in-law now in the system as well, hopefully a diagnosis on the way

Some 3 weeks after my mum-in-law got her diagnosis of Alzheimer's, it looks as if Dad-in-law's 'mild cognitive impairment' is just a tad stronger than mild now. He's been getting noticeably more confused and difficult to communicate with recently. So last week I took him to the GP for the, you know, 'just to check everything's OK' visit. Anyway, his MMSE result was 13/30. I realise this measure needs to be interpreted with some caution, but still......

I have a sneaking suspicion he may be harbouring a UTI, which (as I've learned from TP) I know can be a source of confusion. The practice nurse, who was lovely and very concerned for him, has taken blood and urine samples. She also told me that he will be referred immediately to his local community mental health hospital. So at least he is in the system.

BTW Mum-in-law saw her ortho consultant last week about her hips and knee, and he decided NOT to operate at this stage. I'm not sure if this is worth fighting for or not at this stage. Some battles I can't even summon the energy to think about, if I'm honest.

I just feel everything is coming to a head now. I started this thread with the title 'in denial' because that's how I interpreted my MIL's behaviour. I've since learned that she's not in denial as such - it's her dementia that is denying HER her logical/ reasoning skills. But I do think my husband's siblings are in denial. Somewhere deep in their brains they still relate to their mum and dad of old. They still kid themselves that their mum can manage, really, and Dad's just being a bit clumsy. One example: we have a rota, and one BIL is meant to visit on Wednesday nights with a meal. His mum told him she was being taken out by a friend of hers that evening (true). So, BIL decided not to visit that evening after all. Result: His dad didn't get a meal that day. Because he ASSUMED his mum would have taken care of it!

Part of me is dreading a crisis, and another very wicked part of me is saying 'bring it on', because there doesn't seem to be any other way of getting the message across to hubby's siblings that their parents need a much more intensive level care now, far beyond what my SIL and I are mainly providing. But the barrier is, you guessed it.... FINANCES. I've posted another thread about that topic, so won't repeat here. I realise I have to learn to 'step back and let them fail' (as another well-meaning relative advised me), but I find that really, really difficult to do.

As ever, any thoughts or advice would be gratefully received and appreciated.

 

[DMac]

Dad-in-law has a UTI

I was right about the UTI. He has been prescribed Trimethroprim.

I've written to my husband's siblings to tell them and encourage them to remind him to take his medication on the days I'm not with him (he will struggle to remember because it's not in his blister pack).

I'm worried for him. I've had a feeling for some time that things are coming to a head now. I hope for a speedy recovery for him, but expect the worst. I think he's really deteriorating now. He seems very confused today and his appetite has been poor.

 

[DMac]

Dad-in-law might have a hernia operation

It's all happening for my poor old dad-in-law right now. I took him to a long-awaited outpatient appointment at our local hospital to see a hernia specialist today. He has the most enormous hernia in his groin - he's had this for some years now, but it's definitely got bigger over the last 6 months.

This causes all sorts of problems for him. He's been wearing an indwelling catheter since his bowel cancer operation 2 years ago. His penis is retracted deeply into his scrotum, which makes it difficult to clean the catheter site. He has ongoing problems with thrush. He has also lost sensation and/ or the capability to clean his bottom after voiding his bowels, so he often has faeces spread all over his buttocks and the back part of the hernia. It's a devil to clean off. No wonder he has a UTI. On top of this he has some form of dementia - not sure which kind or how severe yet, we're awaiting a diagnosis. But he only scored 13/20 in a recent MMSE test.

Anyway, the consultant says it IS technically possible to repair the hernia, but he's not sure if DIL would be fit enough for a general anaesthetic. I'm particularly concerned that an anaesthetic might cause his dementia to get worse. His blood pressure is OK and he's not diabetic, so there are no other health issues as such. Apparently one possible option is for him to have a spinal block instead. So, we are back to waiting again, this time to see an anaesthetist.

The alternative is to leave well alone. Apparently, with very large hernias, the risk of strangulation or blockage is actually LOWER, because everything is flowing through more freely!

I'm really not sure what would be best for him. Perhaps the anaesthetist will say 'no can do' and there will be no decision to make. Is there anyone out there who has had a similar experience? I'd love to hear. Thank you.xx

 

[fizzie]

just a quickie to say that my ma had a 'local' for a broken femur and she had a heart attack on the table (recovered) - she and i thought they were giving full anaesthetic but they didn't and it sent her into shock buti wouldn't have allowed a local because i knew she would have forgotten. She had the same MMSE score. So my only 'alert' would be that someone was maybe with him if he is not having a full anaesthetic as it could be a real shock for him.

i hope this helps x

 

[DMac]

just a quickie to say that my ma had a 'local' for a broken femur and she had a heart attack on the table (recovered) - she and i thought they were giving full anaesthetic but they didn't and it sent her into shock buti wouldn't have allowed a local because i knew she would have forgotten. She had the same MMSE score. So my only 'alert' would be that someone was maybe with him if he is not having a full anaesthetic as it could be a real shock for him.

i hope this helps x

Hi Fizzie, yes that does help, thank you. If this is an option, I will ask the surgeon if I can be there with him whilst the operation takes place.

 

[Amy in the US]

DMac, I don't have any brilliant advice or suggestions, just sympathy to offer. What a lot there is going on right now. Hang in there!

 

[DMac]

Dad-in-law wandering now!

OMG what next! I found out today that he had wandered off across the busy main road, no jacket on, door left wide open, just to get to the paper shop! He hasn't done this for a long time, though years ago he used to go to the paper shop every day. Mum-in-law was naturally very concerned and tearful. I feel sure this is the effect of the UTI.

On top of that, he's been getting into a muddle with his medication, taking his antibiotic tablet before it's due, causing much confusion.

I have spoken to my husband and his siblings and have offered to stay at MIL and DIL's house for a few days, just whilst he recovers from the UTI. I said I thought it might be helpful just to keep an eye on him, to make sure he doesn't overdose, and in case he wanders again. I decided it's best to make the offer but not to force the issue.

I started this thread with the title 'In Denial', because that's how I initially interpreted my MIL's behaviour. It took me a while to realise that it wasn't HER in denial, it was the dementia robbing her of her reasoning skills.

Then I figured that it was my husband's siblings who were in denial, as they could not face the changes in their parents and did not want to face up to the new reality.

Now, suddenly, it's all become crystal clear. It's ME who's been in denial all along! . There's nothing wrong with anyone else and everything wrong with ME and my persistent scaremongering and harping! Of course! Silly old me! What have I been thinking of, denying everyone of their sweet images of an idyllic old age for MIL and DIL, followed by a nice little inheritance after they die peacefully and not too indecently late if you don't mind, thank you! Shame on me! No wonder I'm not popular.

 

[DMac]

DMac, I don't have any brilliant advice or suggestions, just sympathy to offer. What a lot there is going on right now. Hang in there!

Thank you Amy. I am certainly hanging and may end up swinging soon!

 

[Shedrech]

Oh DMac what a mess - and yet you keep on trying - I take my hat off to you

 

[fizzie]

oh dear!!! That UTI has really added to the woes a hundred fold - as usual the UTI wins - how is it that wee goes to the brain!! Good idea to put in the armed forces until it improves.

I hear you've retained your sense of humour even if your sanity is fast slipping from your grasp - good for you, keep plodding and it will get better (well the UTI will even if everyone else disolves)

Thinking of you xx Keep posting xx

 

[DMac]

Sitting in my imaginary bunker now

Good idea to put in the armed forces until it improves.

Thank you Shedrech and Fizzie for your words of encouragement. Today is a day when I'm 'scheduled' (according to family rota) to have a day off. Well, actually, I do have an admin task to attend to later on. I have an appointment with an adviser from our local Age Concern office to sort out my DIL's attendance allowance - I think it's well justified to claim the night time rate for him now. But I'm not scheduled to be visiting MIL and DIL today.

Using the military imagery, last night, I offered to step in and provide reinforcements to protect the vulnerable (DIL in particular) whilst he recovers from the UTI. But I have firmly put the onus on their children to decide what to do.

So far, no-one has taken up the offer, but it's early in the day yet. I'm just sitting in my imaginary bunker and waiting for them to make a move. When one of them does, it will be THEM finally acknowledging that MIL and DIL need a more intensive level of help now. It won't be me telling them, nagging them, incessantly harping on or whatever else they think about my 'over-caring' attitude.

I apologise if this seems like a cynical version of a war game. Believe me, I'm resisting with every fibre of my being the urge to pack my suitcase and drive over there straight away. But this is my battle, going on right now inside my head and my heart. I'm telling myself to stand firm, keep my mouth shut and WAIT TO BE ASKED before helping beyond what I've already agreed to do. It feels awful to be playing games like this. I just hope and pray that the consequences are not too horrible.

Thank you for reading my thread and I hope I've not upset anyone.

DMac xx

 

[fizzie]

hahaha i like the tin hat!! how did the day go DMac? xx

 

[DMac]

hahaha i like the tin hat!! how did the day go DMac? xx

Not bad, thank you Fizzie! I've had NO requests to drop everything and rush over....yet. Actually I've had a productive day reviewing DIL's application for night-time AA. The lady at Age Concern was lovely, not only did she review the application and make some helpful comments, she also listened to me whilst I poured out my woes! It felt really good to have someone to talk to. It made me realise that I'm far from alone as well....everything I'm going through, someone else has been through before and some have had a much tougher time of it, too. It helps to put things into perspective.

Hope you had a good day too. xx

 

[DMac]

DIL has taken too many antibiotics

My SIL tells me he doubled up a couple of days ago. She's arranged it so that he took just 1 tablet (half the dosage) the next day and the following day, so now apparently he is 'back on track'.

I said to her, 'That was why I offered to stay over, in case this sort of thing happened.'

She replied, 'Oh, I didn't think this would happen, he's always been so good with his tablets before'.

I said, 'My offer to stay over (with MIL and DIL) still stands'.

She said, 'OK, I'll think about it'.

Still, the denial, denial, denial. He's FINE, there's nothing wrong with him. I'm over-reacting, as usual.

I haven't been over to see MIL and DIL since Thursday. SIL hasn't commented on how he is, so I must assume he is the same as usual (at least, no signs of serious side effects).

I will phone his GP on Monday though. Can anyone offer me any advice what may happen? Will the GP prescribe a follow-on course? Wish I knew what to do for the best. I feel so utterly torn right now.