So bizarre !

[Ann Mac]

Morning everyone x

Oh, we've had times when Mil has said a very firm 'No' to going to bed, Grace - when she has been really bad, its been a bit like a Mexican stand off here at times. Thing is, when she is totally stuck in spell of constantly pestering and going on and on, when she is up and down and getting more unsteady as she gets more agitated, I honestly can't find anything else that is more likely to break the cycle of whatever fixation she is in the grip of. If it's just the same repeated questions and she is staying calm, then mostly we just deal and let her go on (and on and on!) - but when you add in the 'wandering', the having to jump up every two minutes and shepherd her away from the kitchen, the back door and garden, from putting her coat on or from banging on the front door or windows, with her getting more and more entrenched in the delusion and more and more verbally offensive and upset, its a whole different ball game. Ignoring it, repeated 'Sorry you feel like that but I'm not discussing it' used to be fairly effective - but not now, her persistence and determination has increased alongside the other effects of the dementia. 'Time out', in her room, is the only thing that seems to help.

Pip, thanks for that tip - all the DN's we have seen have said that this leg injury is going to take a long time to heal - I'm very grateful for info on anything that may speed up the process. The injury is exactly in the place where cellulitis has flared up several times for her, and that's my big worry at the moment. The attacks she has had so far have been fairly mild and easily sorted - but add in an open wound and I suspect that if she started with it again, it could potentially be very serious

I too had to grin over 'cakegate', Slugsta One of Mil's tricks is to fill her pockets with whatever sweet treats she can get her paws on - about 4 or 5 days ago, I found her chewing away on 'something', but clearly struggling. She was doing sort of 'liitle spits' as though she had a hair in her mouth, or similar. Investigation revealed that her coat pockets had been filled with what looked like dolly mixtures - only they were well mixed in with bits of tissue, torn paper and general 'pocket fluff'- she had shoved a large mouthful in but wasn't finding it as pleasant as she had hoped! She'd lifted them from a 'movie afternoon' at day care

I'm glad the wardens were so understanding with your Mum. Last thing you need is to be worrying about how they will react and deal with behaviours like that x

Very jealous over the Harry Potter visit - oldest has been and its on my wish list to go too. Loved the films, and loved the books even more

Its good to read your Mum is so well settled, learningcurve. With her being in the EMI lounge, it may be that - like my Mil at one stage - she thinks she is there to help look after the other residents, and that she enjoys being there because of that? If your Mum seemed happy enough, then I'd just go along with it - obviously, if she wasn't, then yes, you have to say something. The wrong name, I would mention - I can only imagine that would confuse your Mum further - and its a bit disrespectful, to not even get her name right!

As for the hair - hmmmm, I have a similar issue. There is a visiting hairdresser at day care, comes every two weeks and Mil was apparently asking each time if she could have her hair done too. When I was told, I arranged for a sum of cash to be left there (which I top up when needed) and said that yep, Mil could have her hair done whenever she wanted. Unfortunately, the cut is always dreadful! Mils hair is thick and curly/wavy and this hairdresser never seems to take any heed to the way her hair naturally (and very stubbornly) falls - with the result that her hair always now looks a little lop-sided and uneven to me. But - Mil likes having her hair done there, she enjoys it - and no matter how I think it looks, she is very happy with it. I can usually get it looking semi-decent with a bit of care when I style it, so I've decided that it is just 'my' problem - the main thing is, Mil is happy and she enjoys the experience. At this stage, any pleasure she gets is a bonus - so I say nothing about the dradful cut

Mil was again on a 'loop' last night. At day care I was told that she had been 'on the go' all day, coat on and wanting home, not sitting for more than a few moments here and there. As soon as we walked through the door to leave she announced that 'tomorrow will be my last day there, Ann - I've decided to stay home with the baby instead'! *sigh*. I told her that now wasn't the time to discus it, that i had to drive - and that if she wasn't quiet so I could drive safely, I would take her back into day care - and her son could come and pick her up when he finished work at 9pm! It seemed to mainly work. Once or twice when she started, I simply 'growled' her name and orderd 'Remember - be quiet while I'm driving', and she subsided.

Back home, and the loop became a determination to get into the kitchen. She was up and down from her seat all night and we had 3 or 4 stumbles that had my heart in my mouth. Asking to use the phone all the time too - to call her son, then her husband, then her Dad. I tried saying 'Well - do you know the number?'. She said no, she didn't - but if she dialled 999, the police would tell her! I made doubly sure the phone was well hidden after that. Its now getting, when I am solo with her, more and more impossible to take your eyes off her for even a second As soon as I am out of her sight, she has to do something - head for the door, fiddle with the remote, start messing with any item that she can - like kindles or tablets, or school bags or - well - just anything, really. I struggled to get the food done for tea as I had to stop quite literally every two minutes to either put the TV back to what she wanted, or because I could hear her up from her seat and had to check what she was up to now and rescue whatever item she had her mitts on before it either was 'lost' or damaged. And throughout, a pretty much constant heading for the kitchen or asking to phone people that she simply couldn't phone (mainly because they were either in work - or dead!) and then nagging at me 'Why won't you let me phone? Why are you being cruel? I only want to talk to my Dad/Mum/Husband. They will be wondering where I am. Just let me use the phone Ann - I'll give you the money for the call. Why are you not letting me talk to my family? Why are you doing this? Just give me the phone, Ann. I'll tell the police if you don't '. It really sets you on edge when its just non-stop and nothing you can say seems to be understood or listened to.

8pm, I told her it was '10 o'clock' (I know - just call me Pinnochio!) and she announced that was 'very late' and she wanted her bed. Meds given, helped her get washed and changed and tucked her in. All quiet till just after 5a.m., then again at 6.30, when she was thumping round her room and I had to ask her to go back to bed. I'm already looking forward to the mini bus coming at around 9a.m. - just got to get through getting her up, washed, dressed and ready first!

Hope you guys all have a good day xxxx

 

[2jays]

Learning Curve - my mum has been called by her middle name since she was 5 years old, The only people to call my mum by her first name were her parents..... so when "officials" talk to her and use her first name, she ignores them....

I'm using made up names here,
We have a white board in mums room and on it, writ large, is "the name I respond to is CHAIN" It is also written in her care notes as "Daisy CHAIN Surname"

Be aware though, after a time, she might respond better to her first name than her more used name. This is happening to my mum, which, the first time she responded to it, was a bit of a shock to me. I asked her who someone was in the picture, she said its Daisy, that's me. When I asked if another picture was you Chain, she said, no it's me Daisy... for the rest of that day, the carers used her first name as she responded better..... it now fluctuates and if one name is ignored, the other one is used.

It's a rocky road we all walk on isn't it xxxxxxx


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

 

[RedLou]

Ann - is there a possibility of day care keeping her, at least once or twice a week, for OH to pick up later? Just to give you a bit more time without the loops.

Have a great visit to the HP experience, Slugsta. I loved those books, too - more than the films - and am slowly reading my way through them in Spanish, which is a perfect way to consolidate a new language as a) it's written for children, so simple, and b) you know the stories so well that you can guess most of the unknown words. --Mind you, it does mean that when in Spain I can say, 'I would like to buy a toad and a cauldron,' but not 'Where can I buy a set of saucepans?' for example!

 

[Slugsta]

LOL RedLou. My hubby used to read the 'Asterix the Gaul' books in French - and had similar problems with useable vocabulary I didn't enjoy the HP books but did watch the films with pleasure, ain't folk strange?

Ann, I really don't know how you cope! Is there anything left of the MIL you used to know? I remember you saying that she would come home from DC with a bag full of purloined goodies, I didn't expect to be in the same position so soon.

The wardens where Mum lives are very good and say that she will be able to stay there, with help, for a long time yet (which is good because Mum will not be self-funding so I expect the state to leave her there until a crisis occurs!). It was Mum's neighbour who told me about Cakegate, she takes his little dog out every morning and he keeps an eye on her generally.

I'm a bit frustrated about Day Centre, she finally agreed to go but it seems that we need a financial assessment first and I have heard nothing about that. I think I am going to change our days out to a Wednesday, that will do away with one excuse for not going to DC! Her trolly and chair raisers came yesterday, I told her that she must use the trolly. Her rollator arrived this morning but have not unpacked it. It was only £36, including delivery, so I hope it will be OK.

Anyhoo, I must get on my broomstick and head out.

 

[learningcurve]

2jays - Mum does respond to her first name, but she rolled her eyes at me and laughed when her carer used it but I think that was because it is a very unusual name and the carer didn't pronounce it correctly. I have never heard of anyone else having that name.

Ann - I think Mum probably ended up in that lounge as she spends a few hours every day in the manager's office (who is also her carer) which is in the EMI unit. She loves it in there and spends time writing little notes down from the posters on the wall. But as it was Sunday she wasn't there. As for the hair, well... I may take my curling tongs with me next time and restyle it for her and hope they take the hint

 

[2jays]

2jays - Mum does respond to her first name, but she rolled her eyes at me and laughed when her carer used it but I think that was because it is a very unusual name and the carer didn't pronounce it correctly. I have never heard of anyone else having that name.

Ann - I think Mum probably ended up in that lounge as she spends a few hours every day in the manager's office (who is also her carer) which is in the EMI unit. She loves it in there and spends time writing little notes down from the posters on the wall. But as it was Sunday she wasn't there. As for the hair, well... I may take my curling tongs with me next time and restyle it for her and hope they take the hint

I know what you mean about pronouncing the "odd" sounding name. Mums too is very unusual


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

 

[Tin]

After almost 8 months of mum having no interest in the phone whatsoever, she now does and is back to those air messages she used to leave for my brother. She can no longer dial a number, just picks up hand set and talks. Also answering when it rings and I am out of the room, so back to unplugging.

 

[canary]

2jays - Mum does respond to her first name, but she rolled her eyes at me and laughed when her carer used it but I think that was because it is a very unusual name and the carer didn't pronounce it correctly. I have never heard of anyone else having that name.

Ann - I think Mum probably ended up in that lounge as she spends a few hours every day in the manager's office (who is also her carer) which is in the EMI unit. She loves it in there and spends time writing little notes down from the posters on the wall. But as it was Sunday she wasn't there. As for the hair, well... I may take my curling tongs with me next time and restyle it for her and hope they take the hint

You may find that curling her hair will become a rather nice shared thing between you. Mum loves having her nails manicured and painted and its something I like to do for her.

 

[jugglingmum]

Ooh Piph that Manuka Honey dressing sounds interesting. Lots of skin wounds from time to time in this house, (occupational hazard for racing cyclists) so will look into it.

Really bouncing with brother today, nearly lost us mum's house sale due to incompetence. Not really sure what's going on now. I thought it was due to be finalised any day, now looks like he only appointed solicitor after a sharp email from me today!!!! lots of words with stars in

He is unemployed and kids are school age so he has plenty of time during the day to deal with this stuff.

Re Clarks - I should add that as I take the kids to the Outlet store for school shoes, so saving money (actually nearest shop to me and lots of space) I always think I can justify at least one pair of shoes for me (think 2 pairs and a pair of boots is the best I've managed)

 

[Ann Mac]

Morning all,

Another early start here - once again, Mil has been up and banging noisily round her room. Most mornings now, its sometime between 5 - 6 a.m. when she first stirs and if I don't get her back to bed (sometimes 2 or 3 times) then she comes down the stairs and is rattling at the front room door (which now has a lock on it) and she is noisy enough to wake everyone in the house. I put her back to bed just before 5, and she has just gone to the loo again about 3 minutes ago - I think she has got back into bed, but as she was certain that she has a train to catch to the ferry port, I'm fairly sure she will be up again before too long! Yesterdays reason for getting up just after 5 was that she had a meeting with her boss from the laundry to hand in her notice

Mil's also not known by her actual first name - or her second, for that matter ! She goes by what I assume her family decided to shorten her name to, when she was young - other than sharing the same initial letter, there is little similarity between her given name (s) and what she goes by. In fact, she actually didn't really know what her given names were until I tracked down her birth certificate when she needed a passport several years ago - then we found out that she had been wrongly thinking that the name she had been given at confirmation was part of her real name - it was a mess to sort out, to get her a passport - not helped by the fact that the priest who officiated at her wedding and who filled in her marrriage certificate had also made a mistake!. All her 'official' stuff, like bank accounts, were in the name she goes by (her hospital notes still are) and all had to be sorted for her to travel abroad. If anyone fastened onto using her 'actual' names, she would be stumped and not have a clue who they were talking to! We managed to sort the right name onto her pension and with a lot of other 'official' stuff, but I am betting that when we do lose her, this mix up over names will re-surface and cause more confusion - it caused some issues with her house sale (though thankfully, we were able to sort them without too much grief!).

Red, Mil staying later is something we do if we have something special on - as a one off, it doesn't cost her any extra - and nor does she have to cut back her hours on another day to make up. However, I think if we made it a regular thing, there would be 'adjustments' to be made to the other days

I feel for you Tin, with the phone - I don't think a day goes by here when Mil doesn't ask to use it - but never to phone anyone who its possible for her to phone, sadly. But she nags, often for an hour or more at a time, not accepting any distraction and completely ignoring us when we end up resorting to explaining that the person she wants has passed away. When we ask her for the number she wants to ring, sometimes she is surprised she needs a number, sometimes she claims that we 'know it', sometimes she surprises me by reeling off her old phone number (complete with dialling code) and the other day she told me that if she rang '999' the police would know! I think that she could still manage to call 999 The phone is permenantly hidden, most evenings and even during the day at weekends - there have been a few times when I've forgotten to put it on to re-charge, too, which is a right pain. And a few times when it hasn't been hidden in the 'usual place' (because she has been watching) and unless the person who has hid it is present, then when it rings there is a mad scramble to find the flipping thing!

Not surprised that you were furious with your brother, JM - sorting a house sale is stressful enough without mess ups like that!

I hope the financial assessment doens't take too long, Slugsta - I couldn't cope without the break DC give me!

Well, Mil had a new one last night. She started by asking OH did he not miss home? He explained he was home. She said she meant Ireland. He told her he had never lived there. She was surprised - because that's where his Mum and Dad came from. At OH's 'Eh????' she went on to say that his parents were *P* and *M* - naming her brother and late sister in law. OH asked her - hoping to help her get her thinking a bit clearer - did she not have any kids? 'Only you', she said - then she seemed to realise that she had also said that her brother and Sil were his parents - and announced that she adopted OH after his 'real mother' died when he was a baby! Such a tale she then began to spin - amazingly detailed, very articulate - and not one word of truth in any of it! And despite OH trying to distract and eventually going to to 'I don't want to talk about this', it was like a scab that she couldn't stop picking. 'Do you mind that you are adopted?' Have I upset you? I brought you up so I always told you you were my son. Does it bother you? Do you mind that I lied to you'. As OH said said later, she was so convincing that had he not known that far from 'dying when he was born' that his Auntie actually didn't pass away till the late 1980's, if he hadn't seen his birth certificate and if he hadn't in the past spoken to several family members who had talked of his birth in detail (His Mum had been trying to have a child for about 8 years before he was born, so his arrival was quite a big event in the family) then he could have found himself actually wondering if there was any truth in what she was saying.

On and on and on she went, even a blunt 'Stop it NOW - I don't want to hear another word' having no effect and in the end, it really wound him up - not surprising, as she was barely stopping to draw breath. He told her to go to her room, just before 8pm - and there she stayed for the rest of the night! The sheer persistence and relentleesness when she is like that absolutely beggars belief. You can't change the subject, concentrate on anything else, you can't hear the TV or relax in any way. She will get right up into your face, call your name repeatedly to ensure you are listening to what she is saying - I don't think she even wants a response, she just wants all your attention, as the story becomes more detailed and complex and she just doesn't stop talking. Agree/disagree with her - doesn't matter - she simply won't shut up.

I know that at one point, she and Fil did look into adoption, before she got pregnant with OH - they did it through the Catholic church and Fil (not as 'devout' as Mil once was) took offence at some of the 'conditions' that they tried to impose and they pulled out. I'm assuming that the fantasy has it roots in that ? Just hoping that its not a delusion we hear again - OH said that even understanding that she can't help it, he did find it quite hurtful

Taking my pup for his pre-neutering health check today. He is such a tiny thing that we had been advised to leave him till he was 12 or even 18 months old to have him 'done' - he's just 12 months now and I don't think any of us can put up with leaving it any longer, TBH! Apart from the obvious issues, his love of very much larger dogs when he is out walking is going to lead to him getting badly bitten - rather like Mil, he can't take a firm 'No', at the moment

Hope you guys all have a good day xxxx

 

[Bagpuss77j]

TV real

A few months ago mum was confusing real life with t.v programmes, does not do it so much now, but her sentences are not connected, its like she has all these different thoughts and threads in her head and it all comes out in one conversation, for example: Dogs need to go out that's why I have this candle so when we go to the bank you must ring your brother to take dog to vet. I have noticed that she is forgetting more words so I have to listen very carefully in order to work out what she means. Shes started talking in her sleep, just as jumbled, but this keeps me on edge because sometimes she wakes herself up and I need to be ready to calm her back to bed. More confused and forgetful in the mornings now, used to be she was great having had a good nights sleep, but not now. However through all these changes she still packs her bags and asks me to take her home.

Hi my mum just this morning said that the women on the TV had robbed her handbag and we done nothing about it! It's as though reality is merging with fantasy and she cannot differentiate between things it's upsetting for me to witness this and I hate seeing the bewilderment in her face when I think a little part o her realises what she as said x

 

[Tin]

Hi Bagpuss, tv and the lives of people on it got so mixed up with real life, but now she seems able to know the difference although occasionally mix ups happen. We go out shopping and for coffee most mornings and last week she told a friend of mine that we have coffee with that man on tv [George Clooney] the mix up obviously comes out of the fact that we have the same coffee maker as that man on tv!! Sentences are still a bit unconnected, but strangely I am beginning to understand a lot of it and she repeats a lot of lines she hears or reads on tv, but does not read books or newspapers anymore, she likes to hold or put them in her many pockets.

 

[Slugsta]

JM, how terribly vexatious for you! I do hope that the sale proceeds smoothly now. We completed on the sale of my late MIL's bungalow last week. Sadly, the lovely dosh that is currently sitting in my husband's account has to be split 7 ways!

Ann it does seem that your MIL gets an idea in her head and cannot be deflected. I can understand how unsettling the 'adoption' thing must be, even if you are 100% certain of the truth. As it happens, my father was adopted but he didn't find out until his adopted mother died (he was grown up and married by then, I don't know if they had me) and his 'father' said 'I don't know what you are upset about, she wasn't even your mother...'

We really enjoyed the Harry Potter studio tour yesterday. We were there for around 3 hours but could have stayed much longer - if we had had the energy! Hubby had booked a cheap hotel only a few miles away - but we got there to be told that they had been trying to contact us. No room as ours had flooded and all the others were booked. They did phone around and find us a room in a Holiday Inn quite near by although it was more expensive. We made good time getting home today but are both tired having spent a sleepless night (as is always the way with my first night in any new bed).

The rollator for Mum looks OK, will see what she thinks about it tomorrow.

 

[Slugsta]

Ann, I saw this thread and it reminded me of what you have said about MIL when you are trying to put tights etc on.

http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/showthread.php?87237-llawllim

 

[learningcurve]

Hi Bagpuss, tv and the lives of people on it got so mixed up with real life, but now she seems able to know the difference although occasionally mix ups happen. We go out shopping and for coffee most mornings and last week she told a friend of mine that we have coffee with that man on tv [George Clooney] the mix up obviously comes out of the fact that we have the same coffee maker as that man on tv!! Sentences are still a bit unconnected, but strangely I am beginning to understand a lot of it and she repeats a lot of lines she hears or reads on tv, but does not read books or newspapers anymore, she likes to hold or put them in her many pockets.

OOh I'd give anything to have a coffee with George Clooney

My Mum got a little confused from some magazine she had picked up in the lounge of her care home, some trivial showbiz mag, I didn't really read what it was about but the gist of it was that someone in a soap I think it was had heart problems and she thought that it was about her. She said 'I didn't think my heart was that bad'......it isn't, there's nothing wrong with her heart.

 

[Ann Mac]

Morning all,

I think I'm going to have to actually go into town and to one of the health food shops to lay my hands on that manuka honey, Pip - neither the local chemist nor the local branch of a much bigger chain seem to stock it, unfortunately - fingers crossed that I can get it in the town I changed her dressing yesterday - its still 'gaping' and oozing , its only closed slightly, though thankfully, no sign of infection.

Hi Bagpuss, Mil regularly gets the TV mixed up with reality here. We have to be very careful about what we put on for her to watch. I can be grateful that unlike your Mum, Mil's insight and realisation has I think more or less gone now, so we rarely get the bewilderment or embaressment if she suddenly realises that she has got mixed up any more. Better for her in some ways - though I also think that its now harder to shake her from the more upsetting tv-induced delusions and calm her down.

Slugsta, what an awful thing for your OH's Dad to say to him - talk about brutal! Yes - it was upsetting for OH - even knowing the truth, she was so darn insistant that I think you can still find yourself thinking 'maybe . . . .'. So glad you enjoyed the Harry Potter experience, though its a shame about the hotel!

Massive thanks too, Slugsta, for that link - you know, I've mentioned the issues with Mil and getting tights or socks on her to a few 'medical' professionals, and not one of them have ever told me that its a recognised symptom of LBD - I know Mils diagnosis has only just been 'changed' to that, from VasD and AZ, but even so - wouldn't you have thought that someone would have picked up on it! Instead its been sort of dismissed with an air of 'Nope - don't know why' each time I've mentioned it, and I have very definitely wondered about if it could be sheer deliberate awkwardness from Mil. Not sure how I am going to apply to 'automatic' trigger in a way that gets her to lift her feet for getting shoes or pop socks on (because she does need help with them too on occasion now) but knowing that it really isn't her being difficult makes such a difference - so thanks for that xxx

Learningcurve, someone on here (sorry to whoever, but I can't for the life of me remember exactly who) referred to what they call 'Me too' with their loved one. Its sounds like that's what you are describing with your Mum, and t like what several of us have also encountered. Situations that are seen on TV, read about in books or that are happening to others are sort of 'adopted' by the person with dementia, and they are firmly convinced that whatever they have seen or heard is all about them. An example - my son hurt his leg, and I had to take Mil with us when I took him to A&E - within minutes, Mil was firmly convinced that it was HER who had hurt her leg. Its almost like everything they encounter must be specifically about them. I think its part of the whole seemingly 'self centered' attitude that many of us find out L.O.s develop with dementia.

Running really late here this morning, with one thing and another, so will pop back later and catch up properly - all OK, just one of those mornings, lol xxxx

 

[Grey Lad]

Hope the manuka honey works it has for me on a number of occasions. You can get it on line from H& B. Have a good day. G L

 

[Roses40]

The Manila honey worked well on a pressure sore that my Mam had on her ankle. It still took nine months to heal. The podiatrist gave me a prescription for it

 

[Ann Mac]

Not having much luck tracking down the medicinal maunka in my local town According to the website, H&B in town have only the actual honey, not the medicinal tube. I've finally given in and ordered from the internet - should be here in 3 days time, and I've ordered a multi-buy, as it seems to me that could be just generally good to have in the first aid box anyway - so Thank you, Pip

Had a bit of a rough evening yesterday We (meaning OH and I) are struggling with this current - well, I keep calling it nagging, which sounds so offensive, but I don't know how else to describe it Once Mil starts, we can't seem to find any alternative but to ask/tell her to go to her room - and when its at its worse, that simply means that she is often up and down the stairs (with all the risk of falling that entails) and still fixed on one particular delusion/question/demand that absolutely nothing we can find will distract her from. I don't quite know how to get across how different this is from 'ordinary' repetition - which can be bad enough, I know. She will come to the kitchen and ask me about or for something. I'll respond. She'll then go straight to OH and repeat. Then from OH to me. Then back to OH. Even if OH and I are in the same room, she will do this, and often you barely finish the reply before she is turning to the other of us to ask again. She will cut across conversations if we happen to be talking to each other - no 'excuse me', just saying our names until we stop talking and she can trot out whatever the obsession happens to be. Forget watching TV, forget trying to do any chore, forget being able to speak on the phone - she will interupt whatever you are doing, usually very rudely, because she has to ask over and over. I don't think its a case of we are just not coping with the sort of repetition that I think is a sadly common feature of dementia - its so much more intense. And I think that this is emphasized by the staff at day care commenting on how difficult it is to cope with, even for them, and frequently having different staff saying that they have never encountered this level of persisitent 'fretting' before. She will interupt them giving attention to other residents, and go from staff to staff - even if they are right next to each other - asking each in turn the same thing. When you are solo, you can imagine how hard it is! A couple of nights ago, I got a phone call just as we were sitting to eat and by the time I'd got off the phone, Mil had pretty much finished her meal. I sat to eat mine and she stood over me as I tried to eat, asking over and over 'Can I phone S***? Have you got his number? Can I phone him now? When can I phone him?' - and when I obviously had food in my mouth and couldn't reply instantly, she would raise her voice and crowd close to me, even pulling on my arm, calling my name and demanding 'answer me - can I phone him now?'. I lost count of how many times I answered her, or pointed out I was eating and asked her to wait - she would say 'Sorry, I didn't realise' (brief pause for breath) 'Can I use the phone to call S***?'

Last night she fastened onto what had happened to items from her house - she accepted the house was sold, but was fretting over what happened to the 'scatter cushions/dryer/various other items', going from me to OH and back again. I was trying to get the tea cooked, OH was trying to keep her occupied and give me some space - and neither of us were getting anywhere. We were finding ourselves having to raise our voices simply so I could hear when OH spoke to me, and vice versa as she continually went on and over, speaking over us. My patience was riding really thin as last night was one of the occasions when the nerve damage in my spine affects area's other than just my hip and back - my fingers, wrists and elbows were all swollen and painful, not horrendously so, but enough to wear you down. And I was really, REALLY struggling not to blow with her.

In the end, OH said 'S*D it' - suggested that we could use the food I was preparing for the next nights tea - and that we should go out to eat, as he thought that might break the cycle with Mil. She continued the nagging all the way to the pub restaurant we went to, but he was right - once in there and tempted with food, she did stop.

Unfortunately, we can't stump up an average of £40 a night for meals out, just to try and keep a lid on this behaviour!

And this morning, it was horrendous again. Not helped by the fact that for the second day running, Mil had removed all the bottom half of her night clothes - including pull ups - at some stage during the night and the bed was soaked As soon as she finished breakfast she started on her coat, wanting to put it on. You may think there is no harm in that, but so many times I've tried giving in and the next stage is always that she starts pulling at the door handle and banging on the front door - we've had a few minor skin tears and very exstensive bruising as a result. So, we explain that she doesn't need her coat yet, that she should put it on when the van comes - give it a second or two, and she will go to put it on again. So, I put the coat out of sight and still she asks repeatedly. Going from OH (who was trying to get ready for work) to me, then back again 'Where's my coat? Can I put my coat on? I'll just put my coat on now? Can you give me my coat? Is it time to put my coat on? I'll be late - where's my coat?. I tried the TV, I tried suggesting she put her clean bra's away in her room, Offering a cuppa, I tried changing the subject and asking her what she thought she might do today and several more attempts at distraction - totally blanked each time and back to 'Shall I put my coat on now?' . In the end, as OH was trying to tell me something just before he left, and she interrupted so much that after several minutes he still hadn't been able to tell me what he wanted to, he lost it with her and ordered her upstairs. In the 5 minutes before he then left for work, he sent her back up 3 times. Between him going out the door and pulling off the drive, I sent her back up 4 more times. And another 12 times after that, before the mini bus arrived as she kept coming down and straight into the whole coat loop.

Have any of you encountered this before? Have any of you any tips or advice? Is there something obvious that I could try that I've missed? Prn seems to have no impact at all (DC confirm that its not helping when she is there either). Its not that she is excessively agitated, just this dogged absolutely set determination to just go on and on, but with no response satisfying her. Its pushing me to screaming point, OH too - and the number of times staff have brought it up over the last 2 weeks or so, its clearly a big issue for day care too. Even the mini bus driver has commented, describing one day in particular when the whole journey was spent with Mil repeatedly asking him to stop at a shop so she could buy cigarettes.

Seriously, any help gratefully recieved - of all the stupid things, after all the other stuff we have had to cope with, this one is really testing me to the limits!

 

[Moonflower]

Trouble is Ann, what MiL NEEDS is to go to a proper well run residential assessment unit so that staff can see the behavior and adjust medication until something works. And that doesn't seem to be available in your area. Can you go back to the consultant and ask for another review? You can't go on like this - its not fair on any of you, nor is is sustainable. Could MiL go to respite care with visits from the doctor and some form of recording her behaviour?