Am I doing enough??

[Tray2283]

Hi guys I have looked after my mum for 3 years now, the first year I lived with her& my dad then I moved out with my partner only a couple of miles away. This left my dad to do slight more with mum, but I still did a 70 hour week with only four days off a month . The hours were tiring& not much time for y partner & I for any kind of holiday or much free time.
This put a lot of strain in my health& the relationship itself.
Mum has deteriorated as well so to cut a long story short, I got told by a family member (who does nothing) that my dad can't cope.
I basically arranged respite for mum& we now have care package in place.
This seems to be working out but it's early days. I am now doing a 47 hour week& have every weekend off.
Still my dad is moaning that he can't go anywhere (I'm there all day mon-fri). Am I doing enough?, I finally have time off with my partner, but I still feel I'm putting too much in my dad.
He has little to do with mums care now, but he still doesn't seem satisfied. I feel I'm not doing enough.



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[sleepless]

Hi guys I have looked after my mum for 3 years now, the first year I lived with her& my dad then I moved out with my partner only a couple of miles away. This left my dad to do slight more with mum, but I still did a 70 hour week with only four days off a month . The hours were tiring& not much time for y partner & I for any kind of holiday or much free time.
This put a lot of strain in my health& the relationship itself.
Mum has deteriorated as well so to cut a long story short, I got told by a family member (who does nothing) that my dad can't cope.
I basically arranged respite for mum& we now have care package in place.
This seems to be working out but it's early days. I am now doing a 47 hour week& have every weekend off.
Still my dad is moaning that he can't go anywhere (I'm there all day mon-fri). Am I doing enough?, I finally have time off with my partner, but I still feel I'm putting too much in my dad.
He has little to do with mums care now, but he still doesn't seem satisfied. I feel I'm not doing enough.



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Hi, you must be caring for over 9 hours a day, so my first thought is what kind of care package do you have in place for your Mum? It needs increasing if you are to have more time for yourself. Have you considered a day centre for your Mum, as this would give you a break without leaving your dad to do the caring.
You are already doing more than enough in my opinion, and your dad is lucky to have you caring for your Mum, but sometimes too much is never enough for some people, and you must decide where to draw the line. Time for some serious thinking about the situation, perhaps.

 

[Tin]

Oh Tray, you are doing more than enough and if you did more it would not be enough, it never is. Don't let comments from other family members get to you, if they tell you again that dad can't cope, agree and say: neither can I, is there anything you can do to help us out of this horrible situation?

 

[Tray2283]

Hi Tin, thanks for the reply. My mum has Carers in every night to put her to bed& weekends they come 3 times a day, to get her up, toilet her afternoon& then put her to bed.
Mum refused a day centre, plus my dad moaned about taking her, which I would have done .
I feel he has made comments to family members& not to me.
I asked if he was happy & he replied yes, but I feel he isn't. I asked if he would like more Carers put in place, but he said no I've had enough of them.
He is 81, but still drives& is fit for his age. I think you are right sometimes the more you do, the more they expect. I came everyday for 3 weeks before the car package was put in place, no thank you, no how are you?.
I'm happy with with these hours as its a lot less than before& I feel more refreshed& able to give my mum the care she deserves.
For 3 years I have given up so much. I'm hoping he'll get used to the caters& things will settle into a routine, main thing is mum is happy


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[sleepless]

Hi Tin, thanks for the reply. My mum has Carers in every night to put her to bed& weekends they come 3 times a day, to get her up, toilet her afternoon& then put her to bed.
Mum refused a day centre, plus my dad moaned about taking her, which I would have done .
I feel he has made comments to family members& not to me.
I asked if he was happy & he replied yes, but I feel he isn't. I asked if he would like more Carers put in place, but he said no I've had enough of them.
He is 81, but still drives& is fit for his age. I think you are right sometimes the more you do, the more they expect. I came everyday for 3 weeks before the car package was put in place, no thank you, no how are you?.
I'm happy with with these hours as its a lot less than before& I feel more refreshed& able to give my mum the care she deserves.
For 3 years I have given up so much. I'm hoping he'll get used to the caters& things will settle into a routine, main thing is mum is happy


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It's good that your Mum is happy, and the care package seems sufficient to fill in when you are not there. Should you feel you need more days for yourself, maybe in time the carers could take over on one of your days? I often think that people with dementia dismiss the idea of day centres because they can't picture it, and anything unknown must be worrying to them, but many people enjoy going once they are over the initial hurdle, so do bear it in mind if things change.
Good advice from Tin about how to respond to relatives who do nothing to help.
Best wishes.

 

[ellejay]

You are doing more than enough. Your dad is very lucky to have that amount of support from you.

You are not responsible for either your mum or your dad.

Please don't sacrifice your relationship & your life. If your relative feels more could be done, tell them you won't be offended if they take over.

Be kind to yourself

Lin x

 

[Tray2283]

Thank you. I'm enjoying the time I have off now, it was all consuming before. I still enjoy looking after my mum, but I am not sacrificing my health or relationship, as I think there is a healthy balance now


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