Hi, my mother is 85, and is very independent and lives alone, but the thing is she won't settle. She has always thrived on moving house, thinking she is going to make money, but in reality she dwindles it away.She can't really manage it all herself now, but thinks she can and expects me to help her . I did help her last year thinking she just wanted to be nearer to me, and in my oppinion she is quite ok and comfortable in a lovely little cottage just five minuits away by car, but now she is starting again, saying she is not happy and making silly excuses to move again. How do i cope with this, i couldn't move every year myself but i'm expected to help her do so. I don't think she has dementia, because she seems to have more energy than me, and i'm at a loss with how to respond to her whims, she is draining me, i'm sure she will outlive me, sorry for ranting on, just would welcome any advice
mother age 85 wanting to move house every year
- Thread starter maisy moo
- Start date
I think you leave her to it? Could she: put the house on the market and deal with solicitors and estate agents? Because if she can, she's entitled to make these changes but if she can't, you aren't required to deal with this for her..
I don't think this feeling is uncommon with dementia: it's all about feeling comfortable where you are and a lot of people with dementia don't feel that way. They think that if only they could go back to a previous situation they would be fine.
You don't think this is dementia, and it might not be, but as I see it, your only option is to say "fine Mum, do what you want to do" but not facilitate this.
I don't think this feeling is uncommon with dementia: it's all about feeling comfortable where you are and a lot of people with dementia don't feel that way. They think that if only they could go back to a previous situation they would be fine.
You don't think this is dementia, and it might not be, but as I see it, your only option is to say "fine Mum, do what you want to do" but not facilitate this.
Wanting to move house.
You could be describing my late mother-in-law, who died 12 years ago. After her first husband, my lovely father-in-law, had to retire early from work due to a heart condition and couldn't manage the stairs in their house (which they owned) they moved to a flat.
Then after another 18 months or so they wanted to move again, This happened several times and all these house moves cost money every time, but neither of my in-laws appreciated how much the cost of all these moves was eating into their savings. Neither of my in-laws really understood what needed to be done in order to achieve a house move so all these moves had to be organised by their son (my ex) as he was the only one in the family who had a car.
When eventually they wanted to move again because they had to, due to age and poor health, it had to be to a housing association flat because they could no longer afford to buy as MIL had frittered away their savings over the years on all these un-necessary house moves. It's my firm belief that all these house moves were really too much for my lovely FIL to cope with, and he died of a heart attack barely three months after their move to the HA flat at the age of 68.
You could be describing my late mother-in-law, who died 12 years ago. After her first husband, my lovely father-in-law, had to retire early from work due to a heart condition and couldn't manage the stairs in their house (which they owned) they moved to a flat.
Then after another 18 months or so they wanted to move again, This happened several times and all these house moves cost money every time, but neither of my in-laws appreciated how much the cost of all these moves was eating into their savings. Neither of my in-laws really understood what needed to be done in order to achieve a house move so all these moves had to be organised by their son (my ex) as he was the only one in the family who had a car.
When eventually they wanted to move again because they had to, due to age and poor health, it had to be to a housing association flat because they could no longer afford to buy as MIL had frittered away their savings over the years on all these un-necessary house moves. It's my firm belief that all these house moves were really too much for my lovely FIL to cope with, and he died of a heart attack barely three months after their move to the HA flat at the age of 68.
Your post reminded me of my mum, when my dad died my mum did not seem able to settle, I have lost count of the number of times she moved! (This all happened before dementia) I think she was "searching" for my dad. Without him she did not care about anything much except her children, (me and my brother) She did eventually settle down in a home she was very happy in until dementia came along and messed everything up.
You can always gently try and persuade her of the positives of remaining where she is, but if she has a strong will like my mum did this may not work. Are you sure she does not have the onset of dementia?
Wish you luck
I agree with Jennifer, if your mum is up to making the move herself (it doesn't sound like it!) then she has every right to move as often as she likes. If she's not up to it then it's not fair of her to rope you in to do, very probably, the lion's share of the work.
If it's the latter then the tricky bit is how you tell her that you can't help. You know your mum best so if she accepts straight talking just tell her a version of what you've told us here, that the moves take too much out of you. Moving is on the list of the most stressful events in life, and can be physically hard work too, so you're absolutely right to recognise that being involved in so many moves is having a negative impact on you.
Or if straight talking won't work, tell some fibs. You could say you've got a lot going on (extra work, volunteering, new hobby, new plans of your own) or that your health is starting to worry you and the GP said you really must start taking things easy... nothing to worry about but you need to make some life changes now etc. Or whatever else you feel will be the most credible in your circumstances.
She's being unreasonable but she may not realise this if you've always gone along with her plans, so start with a gentle no and build up to more concrete refusals if she doesn't take the hint! But do look after yourself because you're important too, and it's not that you're ignoring your mum's needs, you're simply saying no to her wants.
If it's the latter then the tricky bit is how you tell her that you can't help. You know your mum best so if she accepts straight talking just tell her a version of what you've told us here, that the moves take too much out of you. Moving is on the list of the most stressful events in life, and can be physically hard work too, so you're absolutely right to recognise that being involved in so many moves is having a negative impact on you.
Or if straight talking won't work, tell some fibs. You could say you've got a lot going on (extra work, volunteering, new hobby, new plans of your own) or that your health is starting to worry you and the GP said you really must start taking things easy... nothing to worry about but you need to make some life changes now etc. Or whatever else you feel will be the most credible in your circumstances.
She's being unreasonable but she may not realise this if you've always gone along with her plans, so start with a gentle no and build up to more concrete refusals if she doesn't take the hint! But do look after yourself because you're important too, and it's not that you're ignoring your mum's needs, you're simply saying no to her wants.
Thank you for your replies everyone, I do realise she has the right to move if she wishes, and really it has nothing to do with me, but she makes it to do with me, its like she wants a bit of excitement and moving house does it for her. Before my father died 5 years ago they moved a lot even though my father wasn't really interested, just went along with her for peace sake. I know from her last move it was too much for her, but she seems to forget this, and starts panicking about forms and packing up all her many possessions. Ive told her before , this is the last time, she is perfectly ok where she is, and i really don't see how she can better on this, she just likes to waste money i think for the sake of it. Anyway i think i will take all your comments on board, and tell her i'm having nothing to do with it. Thankyou everyone for your kindness
