I feel so guilty but I've had enough

Pickles53

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
2,474
0
Radcliffe on Trent
Oh Jayne, like everyone else has said - you have not let your dad down, its just been too much for you to do on your own and you have burned out. :(

Im glad you have got some proper respite which will allow you to recover a bit, take stock and work out what help you need.
BTW if your dad goes into a CH and has £40,000 equity in his flat then I think that SS will consider him self-funding. You may find the money goes further than you may think because he will also have income of pension and Attendance Allowance (if he hasnt got this already then apply for it), but once he goes down to £27,000 SS will start to put money towards the fees. It will be easier to argue that it would be in your dads interest not to be moved once he is already there.

And isn't there a 12-week disregard on the property as well? That might help a bit.
 

Chemmy

Registered User
Nov 7, 2011
7,589
0
Yorkshire
I guess a potential shortfall of £360 pw in the not-so-distant future is something they are not prepared to consider at this stage, without exploring the other options available.

Have you looked at other CHs which do take residents at closer to the LA rate?
 

Summerheather

Registered User
Feb 22, 2015
160
0
My Mum's going to be the same in the future and this is what I hate, the knowing that you will have to fight SS in the future because it's all about money for them. It's so unfair, I think we have a stressful enough time of it already, really don't need the extra from SS.
 

cerridwen

Registered User
Dec 29, 2012
99
0
Gloucestershire
I agree, Summerheather, having to fight to get the care our folks deserve is stressful, especially when the illness is so stressful to deal with anyway.

Latest update - my Dad unwell, been breathless and light headed for a week or so with pains in his legs. GP called this evening to say Dad's blood test results show he is very anaemic, so he has urgent appointment tomorrow for a transfusion at the surgery. GP said he may admit him to hospital for tests. And I am supposed to be out of the UK from next Weds working until 16 May..........trying not to panic. I can't leave Dad in the lurch.
Very worried about him. Never rains but it pours:(
xx
 

Amy in the US

Registered User
Feb 28, 2015
4,616
0
USA
But you're not leaving him in the lurch. You saw he was unwell and presumably made sure he got to the doctor, or the doctor got to him, because I assume those blood tests weren't just done by the fairies!!!
 

Amy in the US

Registered User
Feb 28, 2015
4,616
0
USA
I didn't mean to be flippant and upset you, so I apologise if I did so. I just meant to try not to beat yourself up. It's clear you care very much for your dad and of course you're worried about him.
 

cerridwen

Registered User
Dec 29, 2012
99
0
Gloucestershire
No Amy, you didn't upset me. I am trying to keep my sense of humour:) Yes, he has deteriorated recently so I did get on the case quickly. I am trying to do my best, as we all are.
Just have to keep going........
 

Amy in the US

Registered User
Feb 28, 2015
4,616
0
USA
It is good to keep your sense of humour (humor to us Yanks) if you can, but some days it's hard, and some days it's pretty bleak humour!

I hope you'll come back with an update on your dad, when you know more.

As I've been told many times, take it one day at a time, and one step at a time...excellent advice, easy to say, and difficult (for me) to do!
 

Zuzu72

Registered User
Mar 19, 2015
19
0
Feeling your pain

You haven't let anyone down, am in a similar situation & it seems it's always one step forward, two back. By the time you've finished doing everything for the other person, there's no energy for you. But you have a right to a life too & I hope that both you and I have the drive to grab that life before too much of it is gone. The one thing I'm beginning to realise about being a carer is that if you don't look after you, no one else will. I'm still waiting for my courage to stand up for myself, I hope you've found yours.

Hi all
I'm posting this, but not really looking for advice, I suppose I am just making a statement here to get it off my chest.

I have let my Dad down:(

After 'flu, a cold/chest infection and a kidney infection that landed me in hospital for two days all in the space of six weeks, plus carers who don't do what they are supposed to do for Dad on a fairly regular basis, leaving him undressed and unshaved on occasions and not carrying out instructions as to medical care, plus a full time job I can't give up, plus my anxiety, panic attacks, sleeplessness and a social services that just make things so difficult, I admit defeat. I can't take care of him anymore and I have no other family to help. I have no oil in my lamp anymore and life just isn't worth living like this.

He has moderate dementia and can't do much for himself. He is at home on his own and lonely since Mum died. I am too weak to cope anymore. I just feel really awful. I love him very much but he is taking up so much time and I am so upset to see him like this; three doctors appointments this week alone, food shopping, clothes washing, ironing, banking, bill paying, feeding his cats every day and tending to their vet care, fighting with SS to get the day care his GP has recommended but which they refuse to fund....... I have failed him because I can't do it anymore. I have to have the discussion with him about residential care. And I feel really guilty and bad and he isn't self funding so SS will be involved, which will make things much more complicated and stressful than they really need to be.

Sorry about posting this. Don't know why I am doing it really, perhaps I am hoping that someone will say 'there, there, it's not that bad' and then I'll stop feeling sorry for myself and pull myself together.

It seems a bit self indulgent to whine like this but I am tired of being tearful and upset all the time.
 

RedLou

Registered User
Jul 30, 2014
1,161
0
You haven't let anyone down, am in a similar situation & it seems it's always one step forward, two back. By the time you've finished doing everything for the other person, there's no energy for you. But you have a right to a life too & I hope that both you and I have the drive to grab that life before too much of it is gone. The one thing I'm beginning to realise about being a carer is that if you don't look after you, no one else will. I'm still waiting for my courage to stand up for myself, I hope you've found yours.
Your courage is evident in the honesty of your post. Believe in yourself and be proud of yourself. *hug*
 

rea123

Registered User
Mar 30, 2015
37
0
guilt.... you should only feel guilt if u are guilty.... and you are not...so for your own sanity let it go... none of us are sitting here polishing our halos and flapping our wings... the person who suggested the hysterical email would be my response... infact be hysterical to anyone who can and should be doing their bit...because at this rate they will need to be looking after the both of you...suggest that you will be saving them money in the long run if they only have one person to care for...
so heres wishing you all the love and luck in the world with your crusade ... do not feel alone we are all with you x
 

FozzyC

Registered User
Aug 3, 2014
53
0
Staffordshire
Hi, think it was my hysterical voicemail, but email, phone, text or whatever works for you!

Loathed to say things are getting better, it's been uphill struggle and like Snakes and Ladders I'm sure they'll be ups and downs, but shouting for help and stepping back for own sanity seem to have yielded some improvements.

Stay strong, if you care for your own wellbeing you'll be better able to help your dad and maybe get back to a more normal parent/child relationship? Am I weird to appreciate they now seem to be worrying about my wellbeing and life?

Hope things move forward in positive way. Xxx
 

cerridwen

Registered User
Dec 29, 2012
99
0
Gloucestershire
Thanks everyone, your advice and support makes matters better. It seems that we are all in the same river, if not the same boat and you won't believe how much comfort that gives me that I am not alone.
I am in a real pickle. I am supposed to be going off to the U.S. next week on business, then a short holiday, back 17 May. I have arranged a months worth of respite for Dad so I can get a complete break, even when I return from the U.S. however GP says Dads condition is serious and he is poorly, even though he doesn't know at this point what is causing it. We may know more on Friday so I might be able to make a decision on whether I can go away or not. It's so stressful and I can't think straight. I don't want to go away if he is really poorly (mum died when I was on holiday last year because she didn't tell me she was so ill) but I so desperately need a break because I feel unwell. I have to get the respite, I just have to but I feel bad for going away. GP says its a difficult decision and he will know more Fri. Whichever decision I make, none of them are pleasant. Really fed up and worried about Dad. I wouldn't want anything to happen to him if I was away. I couldn't go through that again. X
 

Amy in the US

Registered User
Feb 28, 2015
4,616
0
USA
Oh, cerridwen, that's truly awful about your mum and I am so sorry. No wonder you are so concerned about leaving the country. I hope that the doctors can give you enough information to make the best decision you possibly can. I hear you that none of the options seem good right now. I hope you'll be able to get to, if not the best option, then maybe the least worst option. I should think you would feel at the end of your rope. Ugh. I'm really sorry.

Keep us posted.
 

FozzyC

Registered User
Aug 3, 2014
53
0
Staffordshire
Sorry, sorry your dad is poorly and I hope GP can shed more light, sorry you feel torn, but I do feel you need your trip away if it can be managed. If you can get care in place that can deal with issues, and your dads condition allows, I think this will do you good and give you strength to carry on.

I appreciate experience with your mom makes this harder. But try to see that this is a different situation. Xx
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
What an awful decision to have to make :(
Thinking of you oday and hoping you can get the information that you need.
(((hugs)))
 

SueShell

Registered User
Sep 13, 2012
395
0
Orpington
Been there, done it and got the tee shirt! Do not feel guilty! I too was sole carer and in the end the whole situation caused me to have a nervous breakdown. Mum was admitted to hospital and when it came to her discharge home I broke down on the phone in a right state and the SW admitted her to a nursing home on respite. She's now been there 4 months and I'm now waiting for her case to go to panel for permanent placement. I simply could not cope anymore.

What I'm trying to say is we all do our very best, but there comes a time when our own health and wellbeing suffers, and although its not a nice thought for a loved one to go into care, they have the time, facilities and equipment to care far better than we can. Don't beat yourself up, we've all been there, but sometimes you have to admit defeat, get SS involved, and take care of yourself. You will still feel guilty but your Dad will get 24 hour care and you will feel so much better having the pressure taken off you. Big virtual hug, Sue xx
 

Quilty

Registered User
Aug 28, 2014
1,050
0
GLASGOW
get a break

Carridwen, there is another option. Can you take sick leave? A month of full rest maybe exactly what you need. You need respite as much as your dad. Then you can focus on being his daughter again instead of being his carer.

You have been there through thick and thin love. Take care of you too and try not to feel guilty. With 24hr care your dad may stabilise.

love quilty