Hi Lindy - I hear what you are saying but .. I am a long distance carer for Mum, easier now she is in a CH but for some years I spent my time sorting problems and taking multiple phone calls each day and sorting carers etc. Was I still a carer when I wasn't physically with Mum or dealing with her problems and calls? Yep! Because it was still affecting my mind and activities as I had to tailor them round even something so simple as being contactable by phone and in a position to check that Mum's carer had arrived for example. Even just over 18 months since Mum went in to care, I still sometimes look at the clock and think I need to phone or I go into the countryside and worry I don't have a phone signal.!
So you need respite where you can be sure that those and other responsibilities and issues are the responsibility of someone else. You won't forget them but you won't have to deal with them. You need time for you and your family.
I think you are probably right that you are moving towards the need for residential care for both your sakes. However, like taking respite - however much needed, many stories here will demonstrate that it isn't easy. Even if it shows that in hindsight (as with my Mum) we should have taken that route sooner...
I think sometimes we don't understand what "qualifies" as being a carer - I find this helpful:
Why do carers need support?
Carers are the largest source of care and support in each area of the UK. It is in everyone’s interest that they are supported.
Taking on a caring role can mean facing a life of poverty, isolation, frustration, ill health and depression.
Many carers give up an income, future employment prospects and pension rights to become a carer.
Many carers also work outside the home and are trying to juggle jobs with their responsibilities as carers.
The majority of carers struggle alone and do not know that help is available to them.
Carers say that access to information, financial support and breaks in caring are vital in helping them manage the impact of caring on their lives.
Carers experience many different caring situations. A carer is anyone who cares, unpaid, for a friend or family member who due to illness, disability, a mental health problem or an addiction cannot cope without their support.
Despite these differing caring roles, all carers share some basic needs. All carers also need services to be able to recognise the individual and changing needs throughout their caring journey.
Carers often suffer ill-health due to their caring role. To care safely and maintain their own physical and mental health and well-being, carers need information, support, respect and recognition from the professionals with whom they are in contact. Improved support for the person being cared for can make the carer’s role more manageable.
Carers need support to be able to juggle their work and caring roles or to return to work if they have lost employment due to caring.
Post-caring, carers may need support to rebuild a life of their own and reconnect with education, work or a social life.
With an ageing population, the UK will need more care from families and friends in the future. This is an issue that will touch everyone’s life at some point. Carer support concerns everyone.
Taken from
http://www.carers.org/node/35517
So yes, you need respite and you need to maybe look as this being a precursor to permanent care.
Hugs, its not easy x