Terrible bickering

[Suemont]

Sorry if this has been mentioned before - I have looked on the forums. My Mum and Step-dad are safely in a wonderful nursing home. My Mum was keen to go (she's 97) and then my Step-dad agreed.
Now, my mother hates the place but can't tell me why - sometimes it's the trees outside that upset her. My step-dad has settled in very well but she won't join him in a wheelchair stroll around the grounds and refuses to leave the room. When I'm there she is verbally abusive to him, calling him all the names under the sun. I try to divert the conversation but she won't "let go" and is awful to him. Is this part of her dementia? She also won't get dressed (and the nursing home say they can't force her because it would be considered abuse - she does have a shower every day) because, she says, she has no clothes. The drawers and wardrobe are full of clothes and I've shown them to her, but all she says is, "oh".

I wonder if they might be better in separate rooms, but it would be much more expensive. Has anyone else heard of this abusive behaviour before?

 

[marionq]

Is it possible that this is attention seeking aimed at getting your sympathy? It may be that when you are not there she behaves better. What do staff say?

Is your stepfather concerned about her behaviour or does he just ignore it?

 

[Suemont]

Is it possible that this is attention seeking aimed at getting your sympathy? It may be that when you are not there she behaves better. What do staff say?

Is your stepfather concerned about her behaviour or does he just ignore it?

The staff say she's like it all the time - very difficult. My stepfather replies sometimes but in general just takes it. She's really behaving badly (all the time). She phoned the policed 3 times (once to say she wanted a pee!)

 

[Onlyme]

I would ask that clothes are put out on her bed for when she returns from her shower. She probably can't remember what she can't see.

 

[Raggedrobin]

It probably is a stage of the dementia. It may be that at some point they will need separate rooms, it is very tough on the other partner otherwise. it may also be simply that she hasn't yet settled in and is just unhappy, everything is unfamiliar, it is all very disturbing for some people with dementia.
She probably can't articulate what she is feeling and the reality of being in a nursing home is not the same as the thing she felt she agreed to. I would focus on her as much as you can to make it a pleasurable experience, get friends or relatives to come and see her, if she has them, do special things with her alone there - take her into the garden on her own - and if you can, take her out somewhere (not to her old home) so she doesn't feel stuck there. I would do these things with her on her own, so she feels loved and cared for. She is probably feeling insecure and if she is rude to the staff, she is probably not getting quite so much kindness back, with the best will in the world. My Mum went through a phase of being really nasty, it is hard to be around. Also consider medication, it helped my Mum calm down a bit.

 

[Suemont]

It probably is a stage of the dementia. It may be that at some point they will need separate rooms, it is very tough on the other partner otherwise. it may also be simply that she hasn't yet settled in and is just unhappy, everything is unfamiliar, it is all very disturbing for some people with dementia.
She probably can't articulate what she is feeling and the reality of being in a nursing home is not the same as the thing she felt she agreed to. I would focus on her as much as you can to make it a pleasurable experience, get friends or relatives to come and see her, if she has them, do special things with her alone there - take her into the garden on her own - and if you can, take her out somewhere (not to her old home) so she doesn't feel stuck there. I would do these things with her on her own, so she feels loved and cared for. She is probably feeling insecure and if she is rude to the staff, she is probably not getting quite so much kindness back, with the best will in the world. My Mum went through a phase of being really nasty, it is hard to be around. Also consider medication, it helped my Mum calm down a bit.

Thank you both for replying. Yes - I think it must be a reaction to all the new things and being away from what was familiar.