Someone asked me the other day, how was I doing and you know what I could'nt really answer her question, because I didn't know what to say, because if I smiled and put a brave face on and said oh things are great, then I would be lying, and that's not me, I'm a very honest and open person you see and a friendly sort, who talks the hind legs off a donkey to anyone who will listen usually, but the other day and I guess also today, I felt like saying nothing, because, to be honest with you, I'm 101% spent, I've got nothing else to give at the moment, because all I want to do is sit down with a cuppa or latte and just chill or just lie down on the bed at home and go to sleep, but all the sleep in the world is of not much help, as I get up feeling as tired as I did when I went to bed, and everyday is a bind, I wake up, get dressed, have a wash, then I go to mums, where I'm her carer till about 2.30 then I leave and it's down to the school to pick up my son to go home, then it's sorting there dinner out, and waiting for the daughter to get in, to hear her adventures at school and play the who is it today game! and depending what mood the kids are in, calls the shots for how the evening goes, which is 50/50, my kids are pretty demanding, my son has SEN needs you see, and my daughter is nearly 13, so everything is a drama, so say no more, anyway, they are talking away, and I know this sounds really bloody awful, but I can't tell you what they are talking about, because I'm not really listening, I've shut off, I've shut down, I guess, and I feel like I'm in my own little bubble with everything going on around me on the outside, I love them dearly, but I have no time for them, and I only realised this when my husband came home from work last night and said, you look really really tired Vonne, and like the kids he's in the same boat as them, since my dad died and I've been caring for my mum, I think me and him have probably said 2 dozen words to each other, and when we do talk it usually ends up in a spat or upset of some kind, and it can't go on like this can it! But then at the same time, my mum has no one else but me, and i feel I can't let her down. We are still waiting for the memory clinic appointment and for diagnosis, but she's started slurring and muddling up her words now, and when she does it she looks at me as if to say what the hell was that, and she's getting a pro at wandering off, we can be talking one minute, and the next she's got up and gone off, I'm always there of course to make sure she don't fall or hurt herself, but she always comes back with that glassy eye look going on, and sees me and asks, hello bossy lady can you tell me what flat I live in please, and with that I take her arm, and lead her back into her home. I feel sorry for her, I feel sorry for myself, but I also feel sorry for my family, because they are putting up with this, and it's not right is it, and it is, it must be effecting them, and it makes me feel bad and guilty, because I feel that I'm between a rock and a hard place here, and I can't do a damn thing about it until reality speaking she dies. (And now I don't just feel bad, guilty, I feel trapped as well).
Does any one else feel this way, getting fed up with the tedium, the Bordem, the same thing everyday, and the guilt that goes with it, because at the moment I feel like I'm going mad. Xx.
Does any one else feel this way, getting fed up with the tedium, the Bordem, the same thing everyday, and the guilt that goes with it, because at the moment I feel like I'm going mad. Xx.
