Resentful towards myself as well
[Long response...]
Dad is now in a nursing home but the work isn't over. There always seems to be some minor problem to sort out even though the staff are wonderful.
But he was a successful businessman who still has investments, property and positions (honorary or financial) relating to that, so there's paperwork; and after years of going from loving concern to habit to stress to resentment, I now have near-despair over dealing with bureaucratic institutions.
I feel that Dad has stolen a part of my life and resent him for it, but I also feel that I have foolishly given a part of my life that I didn't actually have to give and resent myself for that.
Dad was barely there for me as a child yet I've been there for him now. He was happy to expect others to care for me instead of doing it himself (when I wasn't simply parked at my desk in an empty house or playing in the street), but he wasn't so happy to pay others to care for him, instead of expecting me to. (This wasn't about money, caregivers' wages are peanuts to him, this was about control.)
The point the penny dropped as to how manipulative and unreasonable he was being was when when he was being discharged from yet another stay in hospital following yet another "fall" and I persuaded him to accept three nights of overnight care.
He had the screaming abdabs the night he got home and then in the middle of the night I had a call from the carer to come round because he'd had a "fall". (He does have genuine falls but he also fakes it and when he complains of pain you can catch him out later if you mis-prompt him as to where the pain is.)
I was so angry I was in hysterical tears. He had "fallen" conveniently next to a telephone (which I had strategically placed next to the head of his bed about 15" off the floor) but wouldn't call an ambulance or let the carer call for one, no, she had to call me and wake me to get up, get dressed and hurry round to his house to call an ambulance.
That was around a year ago and he's been in a home since early this year, but I haven't managed to disengage myself fully.
His behaviour towards me has damaged me. I feel I have to please everyone, I'm on edge in case people are disapproving or angry towards me, I lack confidence and assertiveness. It shows in my body language, my eye contact, my tone of voice, the way I express myself verbally.
And I resent myself for it.
Yes, the sting in the tail - he treated me badly, conditioned me to put up with it from early childhood, took advantage of it when he got dementia, treated me like dirt, destroyed what recovery and career I'd made for myself along the way, destroyed my ability to respect myself and destroyed my ability resent him for his treatment of me more than I resent myself for putting up with it.
I still visit him. I resent him for it and I resent myself for it. I know now that he will never change. I need to find the courage to limit my visits and to do more often what I sometimes do now, which is to simply leave when he either ignores me (pretending to be asleep rather than simply showing me the courtesy of saying he's not in a mood for company) or when he is abusive.
If anyone has had the energy to read this and has not reached the point I have, please, please look after yourself and try not to let your relative's dementia become the perfect excuse for abusing you. Please try not to let your natural instinct to empathise with someone with such a horrible condition lead you to accommodating behaviours that have nothing to do with the dementia, that were there before it.
I say this with no disrespect to all the lovely people with dementia. I say this with no disrespect to all those who care quite reasonably and properly for lovely relatives with dementia. I just say to those with parents like mine, don't let them use it as an excuse to abuse you where they know perfectly well what they are doing and where they have control. (I do not suggest that this is always the case with Dad - far from it - but it took me a long time to recognise when he is genuine and when he is faking.)
In short, I'm sure I'm not alone in resenting myself as well as the person I've been caring for. It's natural, it's understandable, but please try to get the support you need to avoid ending up where I am.
The nursing home is beginning to get wise to him but when a worker said to me a couple of days ago that he is pressing his help button more often, I had to point out that he usually phones me first and then I have to persuade him to press it.
End of speech. I am trying not to feel guilty for posting it, not to feel guilty about telling the truth of looking after someone like Dad. Yes, I feel guilty as well as resentful, but that's for another thread.