Worried about husband, surgery not listening to me

Lorna Jacob

New member
Apr 29, 2024
2
0
Am I overreacting? Just a few examples
We were at the hospital because my husband hadn’t been able to wee since 8am, and it was now midnight. It was another 4hours before he was catheterised and he had been in agony. On our way home, he said he couldn’t remember why we were at the hospital.
We had our Sunday dinner. One hour later he asked when I planned to serve up dinner
He repeats the same questions over and over
He swears, which is out of character.
Just a few of the changes in him. He makes excuses for it all, saying he’s only joking
Last year I asked for a memory test for him, they said he was fine, but I’m with him 24/7
and I know. We’ve been married nearly 58 years.and it’s breaking my heart
 

SherwoodSue

Registered User
Jun 18, 2022
737
0
I am so sorry this is happening to you. Urinary retention can in itself cause delirium, which is different to memory problems and dementia

Although 12 months ago he aced the memory test he may not do so now.

I would keep a journal. Write down worrying behaviour, just like you have here and date each entry.
You could then email the GP and say things have progressed, could you have an appointment with your husband to discuss?

Repeating the same question in a short period of time seems telling.

I hope you see some improvement but I would still chase it up with the GP

You are NOT overreacting. X
 

Natalie J

Registered User
Apr 15, 2024
34
0
Hi @Lorna Andrewes, you're not over reacting. I'm very new to this too, and the thing I'm struggling with above all else is how on earth I'm going to manage not to loose the plot myself when not only is the PWD constantly making you question yourself due to their denial and/or never-ending excuses, but a lot of the time family and the health professionals etc are doing the same. I'm so sorry, I'm yet to really figure out any way forward as it seems majority of people find the battle of getting a diagnosis (which would provide some validation) to be such an uphill battle that unless you get dead lucky, it doesn't sound worth it to me. Others on here with a bit more experience may be able to offer more useful advice and I'll be following along closely in case they do! Big hugs. x
 

SherwoodSue

Registered User
Jun 18, 2022
737
0
Natalie and Lorna , some GPs dont help much it’s true and not all symptoms are treatable with medication, so yes, it does make you think why bother ?

BUT

Don’t give up. Keep going. My to do list was

Diagnosis
Attendance Allowance claim
LPA
Council tax disregard
Free Library home delivery
Joined singing for the brain, which mum loves

Getting it official was the first step.
 

Natalie J

Registered User
Apr 15, 2024
34
0
Natalie and Lorna , some GPs dont help much it’s true and not all symptoms are treatable with medication, so yes, it does make you think why bother ?

BUT

Don’t give up. Keep going. My to do list was

Diagnosis
Attendance Allowance claim
LPA
Council tax disregard
Free Library home delivery
Joined singing for the brain, which mum loves

Getting it official was the first step.
@SherwoodSue, it's not a case of giving up. For me it's about prioritising realistically. I can't possibly look after her day to day needs (her carers do the bulk of the heavy lifting but I have to do all the things they can't / aren't allowed to do) that keep her from (or at least slow it down - doubt I'll be totally successful) descending into chaos and disaster AND try to navigate through our substandard health care system at the same time. The day to day issues that can generally be resolved one way or another already take up far more time that I have already got, which means i am forced to pick and choose even with them, so to spend hours and hours and months and months instead battling for a diagnosis when that is far more traumatic for both me and the PWD, only to make a small number of things easier if I made it against the odds and was successful, seems terribly unwise to me because I'll just run myself into the ground and send the level of despair I already feel through the roof.
 

Jools1402

Registered User
Jan 13, 2024
179
0
The memory tests aren't always a good way to tell if there is anything wrong. I had been worried about my Mum for at least a year before she would actually see GP and take that test. Test result was OKish but good GP listened to me and referred her to memory clinic. 6 months later she was tested again by memory clinic and we were told she was OK. Fast forward another 6 months (a VERY difficult time) and Mum was admitted to hospital following a fall. Next day the hospital dementia nurse phoned me to say that Mum had dementia - did I know? Yes I certainly did - but try telling that to the memory service! She was then officially diagnosed with moderate stage atypical Alzeimer's.
@Lorna Andrewes - you know your husband best and I'm sorry but it does seem you have cause for concern. A diagnosis would validate these concerns and also make it easier to get certain benefits etc. but in all honesty it won't make an awful lot of difference.
 

SherwoodSue

Registered User
Jun 18, 2022
737
0
I hope it didn’t come across badly My intent was to support and encourage , if it felt like I was adding to your mental load I totally apologise.

I do get it. Mum has various physical ailments. Therapists helpfully write activities up on handouts for mum to do. As mum can’t remember anything and can’t bear in mind all she has been told, in reality it’s just more for me to do. I would rather just leave it

Again apologies if it read badly
 

Natalie J

Registered User
Apr 15, 2024
34
0
I hope it didn’t come across badly My intent was to support and encourage , if it felt like I was adding to your mental load I totally apologise.

I do get it. Mum has various physical ailments. Therapists helpfully write activities up on handouts for mum to do. As mum can’t remember anything and can’t bear in mind all she has been told, in reality it’s just more for me to do. I would rather just leave it

Again apologies if it read badly
Sorry @SherwoodSue, I didn't take your comment as badly worded or intended, and didn't mean to 'argue back', it's like so many aspects of dealing with memory loss I guess: you are damned if you do and damned if you don't, aren't you! It was a bit of a defensive response on my part, so I apologise for that. I expect it's because I'm personally not managing to keep up with all the demands and I worry about that too, as I can only see my difficulty coming to terms with the need to prioritise becoming a bigger issue as time goes by as my relative's condition deteriorates and the risks increase. I've never been good at effectively communicating how badly I am managing to keep on top of things once I start to fall behind with something, regardless of the reasons for that or what's going on. Yet (or perhaps therefore?) I cling to the totally unrealistic hope that it is either obvious enough for people to notice without me having to spell it out, or that folks are able to mind read! There are times though when that little bit of extra encouragement can be all a person needs to persevere and achieve a break through, in which case a little push would be just what they wanted. It's hard enough to know which camp you fall into yourself sometimes, let alone gauge what is best for another. I think the whole point and value of this forum though is to share experiences, which is what you kindly did. None of us are experts, and it is down to each of us to take what is helpful and graciously leave the rest - which might be of help to someone else.
 

Lorna Jacob

New member
Apr 29, 2024
2
0
Sorry @SherwoodSue, I didn't take your comment as badly worded or intended, and didn't mean to 'argue back', it's like so many aspects of dealing with memory loss I guess: you are damned if you do and damned if you don't, aren't you! It was a bit of a defensive response on my part, so I apologise for that. I expect it's because I'm personally not managing to keep up with all the demands and I worry about that too, as I can only see my difficulty coming to terms with the need to prioritise becoming a bigger issue as time goes by as my relative's condition deteriorates and the risks increase. I've never been good at effectively communicating how badly I am managing to keep on top of things once I start to fall behind with something, regardless of the reasons for that or what's going on. Yet (or perhaps therefore?) I cling to the totally unrealistic hope that it is either obvious enough for people to notice without me having to spell it out, or that folks are able to mind read! There are times though when that little bit of extra encouragement can be all a person needs to persevere and achieve a break through, in which case a little push would be just what they wanted. It's hard enough to know which camp you fall into yourself sometimes, let alone gauge what is best for another. I think the whole point and value of this forum though is to share experiences, which is what you kindly did. None of us are experts, and it is down to each of us to take what is helpful and graciously leave the rest - which might be of help to someone else.
Thanks for all the replies, they do help and just knowing there are people who understand makes things easier