Was it me?

Rubina

Registered User
Dec 19, 2019
39
0
Was it something I was doing? I need to ask this probably because guilt, loss, sadness, grief, you name it, I feel it. I took my husband to the nursing home last week for 4 weeks respite with a view to long term care. I was at the end of my rope, he was up and down most of the night for the past 4 months. Some nights better than others, but very disturbed sleep and latterly I was lucky to get 2 hours undisturbed. I don’t have the ability to fall asleep after being disturbed so I was very depleted, at rock bottom with this dreadful disease, very weepy, and life was extremely difficult. My husband is a sundowner and from 5 pm ish he needed me so much for reassurance that he was in his own home and safe. He was at the stage of packing a small bag with a few precious possessions. So sad. Hence the respite. Now after his first day where he tried every door, and paced constantly he’s settled. More than settled. He speaks to everyone, takes part in everything, never once asked to come home, accepts when I leave without him, kisses me and waves me away. Right I can hear you say, what’s the problem? Well, after 45 years of marriage, not all blissful. but we stuck together and he were on the main happy. The nursing home says he is doing amazingly well. He’s up at night but biddable and goes back to bed, he’s pleasant and wants to be busy. He’s confused all the time now, and his timeline has gone back to his childhood home. He’s responded so favourably to the nursing home setting, now do I leave him? I’m totally bereft. Every inch of this home has his print on it, he renovated it himself,and I just want him back, but know the man in the nursing home is not the man I had at home. Is it me? Does anyone have any gems of wisdom or experience to give me. I’m weeping so much I’m embarrassed.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
82,736
0
Kent
Hello @Rubina

That was my husband.

His behaviour was challenging and the sundowning was a nightmare. He packed whatever bags he could find, supermarket bags, bin liners, all the suitcases and strong bags were in the garage so he wouldn't find them.

Most times I managed to persuade him to wait until tomorrow when it was daylight and when he was sleeping I unpacked the bags and put everything away.

When he was in residential care, once he settled he was calm and contented. On our visits we were close and peaceful, he was always delighted to see me.



He did ask to go home and I told him he could when he was stronger.

I know you miss your husband at home with you but the way he is in residential care gives you some quality time back.

Don`t cry. Your husband is happy to see you when you visit and you can get some sleep.
 

Rubina

Registered User
Dec 19, 2019
39
0
Hello @Rubina

That was my husband.

His behaviour was challenging and the sundowning was a nightmare. He packed whatever bags he could find, supermarket bags, bin liners, all the suitcases and strong bags were in the garage so he wouldn't find them.

Most times I managed to persuade him to wait until tomorrow when it was daylight and when he was sleeping I unpacked the bags and put everything away.

When he was in residential care, once he settled he was calm and contented. On our visits we were close and peaceful, he was always delighted to see me.



He did ask to go home and I told him he could when he was stronger.

I know you miss your husband at home with you but the way he is in residential care gives you some quality time back.

Don`t cry. Your husband is happy to see you when you visit and you can get some sleep.
Thank you for these words. I’ll get stronger,I know. Some quality time would be a balm to my soul. X
 

Jale

Registered User
Jul 9, 2018
1,199
0
Hi @Rubina, no it is definitely not something that you were doing. This illness drags everyone down at some stage, and you were battling it on your own, nobody can carry on like that, and please do not feel embarrassed that you are weeping - I think that shows just how low you have got and you are risking your own health, physically and mentally.

For what it's worth, you say your husband has settled in the nursing home, and I know it is very difficult, but I would be considering making the move permanent. Obviously there are more things involved than just saying yes I want him to stay where he is - someone will come along and offer better advice for that - but it would mean that you would be able to visit him as his wife rather than dealing with him as a totally worn out carer (hope that makes sense). In either a care home or nursing home situation there are more staff caring for your husband, night and day, rather than everything falling on your shoulders.

Take care and be kind to yourself x
 

Sphynx

Registered User
Oct 19, 2020
45
0
it sounds like your husband is in the best place for him, not because of anything you did or didn’t do, but because of this awful disease. At the care home my Mum is at there is a lady with a husband who comes and sits with her every day, takes his meals with her and helps her as much as he can, but at the end of the day he can go home knowing she is safe and it doesn’t matter if she decides to go for a wander round. Someone will be there to offer a drink or company or whatever she needs. I think you need to allow yourself time to get used to this new way of things and try and find things for you that make you happy to fill in some of the space that him being elsewhere has left. Be very kind to yourself because you are just as important and need as much looking after as your husband. I hope it gets easier for you.