How often do you visit?

Rugrat

New member
May 28, 2024
1
0
I've been tryiing to visit my DW in MC at least every other day but it's becoming difficult in the sense that at first my DW is glad to see me and I her. After an hour or so she becomes agitated with me, sometimes for not being there 24/7 like I used to, or when it's time to leave.
She looks hurt and sad and I'm sure she is for the moment.
Sometiimes it's so difficult to see the staff needing to toilet her. She gets very very emotional and upset, she would get that way at home as well. Who wouldn't? Even with advanced dementia it's still a very traumatizing event to have someone help you clean yourself, change you and redress you.
My point. . . it's becoming exhaustin for me again to have to deal with so much emotion. I burned out from it when I was her 24/7 caregiver. I feel guilty if I don't go but I do really want to see her but it's becoming too much.
How do you do it? Where's the balance? Am I wrong if I decide I just don't want to deal with it today?
 

susiecol

Registered User
May 8, 2024
107
0
Hi....I was mums carer before she had to go into emergency respite as she was no longer safe at home....sadly mum is now in permanent care and has since broken her hip so has detiorated a lot in the last 6months..

I have found it difficult to 'break free' if that makes sense,I feel similar to you,I want to see mum,but the visits are at times draining...

I would try having a couple of days off and the care staff and your loved one will get kind of used to things..
I haven't had a holiday this year as I have been dealing with social services etc and would be on edge and not settled if I was away...

Hope things settle for you, as you know things are difficult and each day seems to throw another curve ball....but you need to look after yourself too,ha says me typing at 4.40 AM!!
 

2ndAlto

Registered User
Nov 23, 2012
729
0
I haven't got to this stage yet but reading your posts objectively it that occurs to me is there there are two people you have to take care of, one of them is you. You know that your loved one is being cared for at the Care Home but who is helping to care for you? You need to have time off to recharge and do something positive for yourself. And please try not to feel guilty about it - though I know that is easier said than done.
 

maisiecat

Registered User
Oct 12, 2023
445
0
My husband has been in a Nursing home for 9 months now, he remains very attached to me so often talks about wanting me to be there more. He asks to come home but I think he feels his own frailty now so knows its unlikely. I visit 5 times a week. To begin with I used to time my visits to end as he went to a meal. He has retained a voracious attitude so nothing trumps meal times.
There is a point in a visit when you can sense them begin to tire and thats when they struggle to hold things together.
I never go if I am struggling emotionally myself, I have no doubt that they remain incredibly tuned in to our emotions.
You need to take care of yourself and rest and allow yourself to grieve for the loss of your life together.
And to end positively I go for a whole day once a week now,we have lunch together and have a slow gentle day. I leave as I feel him tire.
 

LewyDementiaCarer

Registered User
Mar 5, 2024
87
0
I don't think there is a right or wrong answer to this, other than you have to do what feels right for you. If you are exhausted and feeling like you need more breaks, then reduce your visits until it feels manageable again. You have to take care of yourself in order to be there for another person, so no need to feel guilty about not being there 24/7 or keeping an uncomfortable schedule, as that likely won't benefit anybody in the long run.
Save some energy to do some things for yourself (including relaxing) and your visits will likely feel more enjoyable when you aren't so tired.
 

Canadian Joanne

Registered User
Apr 8, 2005
17,718
0
70
Toronto, Canada
When my mother first went into a retirement home, I visited every day. Then I cut it back to 6 days a week, then 5 and so on. I slowly cut visiting down the further my mother went into her disease. My mother also went through violent and aggressive phases. I would sometimes not visit for a week as I found it too emotionally taxing. With the progress of my mother's disease, I gradually cut visits down. Over 15 years later, I was going one day on the weekend and usually one evening during the week.

You must remember to take care of yourself. Take breaks from visiting. Visit earlier in the day, perhaps. I don't know if your wife will remember your visits but even in the beginning my mother often thought she hadn't seen me in ages when the reality was that I had been gone to the toilet for 5 minutes.
 

Pollywobble

Registered User
Nov 13, 2023
125
0
I feel for you. I visit my man every day, but have developed a nice balance of time for me and time for him. As @LewyDementiaCarer says you have to do what is right for you.
I go just before dinner, with my packed lunch and eat with my man. I stay each afternoon until 4 ish, unless he gets too aggressive and violent, then I just leave him to the carers. (Seems harsh, but as you say, it can be very draining.) Then every evening is mine. Every few weeks I go away for the night! I leave him, as usual, at 4ish and I'm back the next day at dinnertime. This works for me as I get a kind of holiday!
Good luck. Hope you find the right balance for you too.