Hello, I’m new but need advice please.

Somerset girl

Registered User
Dec 20, 2023
18
0
My husband was diagnosed two years ago with Alzheimer’s. He’s on Donezipil and Metazipine. To the outside world he’s lovely, kind, jokey etc, however he does repeat stories and gets words wrong. My problem however, is that he’s so angry with me, only me. It’s constant, I can’t do or say anything right so now I’m learning not to bother, but nothing pleases him. Tonight I was really upset and now I can’t speak to him and I’m awake at 1.30am. He’s fast asleep and oblivious. If it wasn’t for Christmas and family arriving on Thursday I think my bags would be packed. Not sure if our 47 year marriage is at an end or it’s really his illness. Thanks for reading this.
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
7,508
0
Nottinghamshire
Welcome to Dementia Support Forum @Somerset girl. So sorry you’re up worrying about things. It’s very common for people with dementia to be angry with the person closest to them. Often its because they know things aren’t right, but feel it can’t be them so it must be the person closest to them. I had this with my mum, but I didn’t live with her so could walk away when things got too bad.
Maybe try to start thinking about getting some more help in so you have time for yourself.
I’d also try and talk to the family when they come on Thursday. Also look out for the change of routine over Christmas making your husband anxious. My mum loved the hustle and bustle of a family Christmas but lots of people around really started to confused her as her dementia progressed.
This is a very friendly place and others will be along with their suggestions and support soon.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,561
0
South coast
I agree, this is, unfortunately, par for the course as the dementia progresses.
People with dementia reach the stage (which might be very early on) when they lose insight and do not realise that they are no longer doing things that they used to and that they are getting muddled. They realise that things keep on going wrong around them, but they are unable to understand that they are the cause, so they blame people around them.

OH told me I was making up stories about hm, treating him like a child, telling him what to do and I was the one messing everything up. I remember protesting to him "you are making me out to be the villain of the piece here" , he replied "thats because you are" and I was so upset.

I have learned not to correct him in any way and sometimes it is better to leave him to make a muddle and then sort it out later. I have taken an emotional step back and at its worst I pretended that I was a professional carer and he was my client. It is better now - I dont know if this is because he no longer tries to do anything (and I havent asked him to do anything for a long time) or whether Ive just got better at not provoking him. Maybe a bit of both.
 

Jale

Registered User
Jul 9, 2018
1,199
0
Hi @Somerset girl, sadly as previous members have said it is part and parcel of this illness. In the early stages Mum was absolutely vile to myself and my husband, accusing us of not caring, wanting to get rid of her, leaving her son to do everything were just a few of the things that came from her. In fact the opposite was true. I found it very hurtful and upsetting and many times I left her house in tears. As the illness has progressed she lost all empathy with people and sadly said awful things to carers and others. Now she hardly speaks to me at all, will still curse and swear at the carers in the home and "my mum" has now completely disappeared.

I think it was someone on here who told me what was happening and it did become a little bit easier to deal with, usually by walking away to another room.

Keep posting, many of us have either trodden or are treading the similar path to you and will understand.
Take care
 

Somerset girl

Registered User
Dec 20, 2023
18
0
Thank you lovely people for the replies, they make complete sense and I’ll try my best to remember your words. Thing is if people don’t know him they don’t know he’s got Alzheimers and that’s so hard when inside this house things can be very different. After my post in the middle of the night, when I was so upset, he told me I am a “control freak,” all to do with a jacket potato! Don’t ask. However, this morning and today he’s been like Mr Perfect. I have noticed things are worse when he’s tired, I am learning everyday, and no doubt will be back on here for your expert advice. Thank you.
 

Somerset girl

Registered User
Dec 20, 2023
18
0
I’m back again! My husband tells jokes continuously (not to me, he knows I’ve had enough of them), to anyone cafes, restaurants in a queue. I think he does it to cover up his memory loss etc.

. However, I’ve found out that they’re not always appropriate. He gets very angry with me so I don’t say a word, I’m programmed not to answer back or to walk away. Has anyone else had this problem?
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,561
0
South coast
Oh the inappropriate jokes and personal comments 🙈🙈🙈

I often wanted the ground to open up and swallow me. I used to discretely mouth dementia to the unsuspecting victim, but you can also get little business card sized cards that say something like - please excuse my behaviour, I have dementia (or something like that). Then you can discretely pass one onto the poor unfortunate who has had to listen to the "joke"
 

Somerset girl

Registered User
Dec 20, 2023
18
0
Thank you, that’s great advice, I wouldn’t have thought of that. My daughter mouths “Alzheimer’s” when appropriate. I’m going to learn and remember that. I may make little cards. Thanks again,
 

Ellie2018

Registered User
Jun 26, 2023
274
0
I don’t get the bad jokes but my OH often blows kisses and does little waves, which can put people off their stride. I just say sorry he has Alzheimer’s. I did ask if there was a lapel pin or something because although that advertises the condition, I feel that would be less obtrusive than me having to stop him and apologise. Apparently there is just the Az Society pin badge which is more fundraising.
 

maggie6445

Registered User
Dec 29, 2023
1,959
0
Hi Ellie2018 and Somerset girl, my partner wears a small badge that say" I have dementia please be patient. " I bought it for him as he often talks to small children and shows them his talking watch. I didn't want this misconstrued as he loves small children and would never harm them. I found parents notice the badge are are very kind.
In fact I have only witnessed kindness when people spot the badge. He doesn't go out alone as he would get lost so his badge doesn't make him extra vulnerable.
 

angelagail

Registered User
Dec 3, 2023
10
0
How/where did you get that badge please? Hope everyone got through Christmas ok, it's always a challenge but more so for the likes of us & Happy New Year to Everyone x
 

Rayreadynow

Registered User
Dec 31, 2023
459
0
Thank you, that’s great advice, I wouldn’t have thought of that. My daughter mouths “Alzheimer’s” when appropriate. I’m going to learn and remember that. I may make little cards. Thanks again,
I am sure there are badges that he can wear that can give people a gentle hint.
 

maggie6445

Registered User
Dec 29, 2023
1,959
0
How/where did you get that badge please? Hope everyone got through Christmas ok, it's always a challenge but more so for the likes of us & Happy New Year to Everyone x

How/where did you get that badge please? Hope everyone got through Christmas ok, it's always a challenge but more so for the likes of us & Happy New Year to everyone
Hello Angelagail, I bought the dementia badge from Amazon. I don't seem to post links. Sorry I'm not computer savvy! Just searched dementia badge pin and it came up on the search.Cost £3.90 plus pp but I bought three and two go through the wash regularly as I can forget to remove from his jumper! I bought about 12 months ago and still look like new. The other I leave on his coat. X
 

Ellie2018

Registered User
Jun 26, 2023
274
0
Hi Ellie2018 and Somerset girl, my partner wears a small badge that say" I have dementia please be patient. " I bought it for him as he often talks to small children and shows them his talking watch. I didn't want this misconstrued as he loves small children and would never harm them. I found parents notice the badge are are very kind.
In fact I have only witnessed kindness when people spot the badge. He doesn't go out alone as he would get lost so his badge doesn't make him extra vulnerable.
Could I ask where you got it from. Thanks.
 

maggie6445

Registered User
Dec 29, 2023
1,959
0
Could I ask where you got it from. Thanks.
Hi Ellie, I bought them from Amazon. I can't post links because I don't know how to yet. I searched dementia badge pin and it came up. Currently £3.90 each . I bought 3 about 12 months ago and two go through the wash quite regularly as I can forget to remove from his jumper. They still look like new . The third remains on his coat. They have sturdy pins and have proved a good purchase for him.
 

Somerset girl

Registered User
Dec 20, 2023
18
0
Hello again, as you can see from my previous posts things haven’t always been great, however, since Christmas my husband has been quite ‘normal.’ Although one or two issues with repeating stories etc.

I’m totally confused any ideas what is going on? He’s on Donezipal (two years now) and also mirtazipline. Are the antidepressants kicking in? Thank you.