Dad wants to go pop

Spottydog

Registered User
Dec 8, 2023
191
0
I've been caring remotely for my dad since my mum died in 2019. He did OK til 2022 and from then on its a been a downward slide. His personal care is great, carers come in twice a day to steady the ship, but he has no short term memory, has become extremely anxious about his house and neighbours. The carers think he can still manage as he presents well to them but they don't see the anxiety that I see or know all the day to day work that I put in to keep him treading water. It's getting harder and harder and my health is suffering too. Tonight, in a moment of lucidity, he says he doesn't want to live like this and just wants to go pop. I'm now terrified he will harm himself. I know a care home will not suit him but I don't feel there is any other option as SS don't fund live in care.
 

DeeCee7

Registered User
Oct 13, 2023
350
0
Oh dear @Spottydog, I do feel for you in this difficult remote caring role. He probably won’t remember saying this and hopefully will move on from it. Would an increase in carers visits help at all? A care home might actually help with the anxiety as there are staff on hand 24/7 to soothe and allay his fears. Your health is suffering too, and I don’t think this present situation can continue. Sorry, not much help but I just wanted you to know that someone is listening and lending a sympathetic ear.
 

RM3

Registered User
Feb 4, 2024
724
0
I've been caring remotely for my dad since my mum died in 2019. He did OK til 2022 and from then on its a been a downward slide. His personal care is great, carers come in twice a day to steady the ship, but he has no short term memory, has become extremely anxious about his house and neighbours. The carers think he can still manage as he presents well to them but they don't see the anxiety that I see or know all the day to day work that I put in to keep him treading water. It's getting harder and harder and my health is suffering too. Tonight, in a moment of lucidity, he says he doesn't want to live like this and just wants to go pop. I'm now terrified he will harm himself. I know a care home will not suit him but I don't feel there is any other option as SS don't fund live in care.
I’m sorry @Spottydog - this must be such a worrying situation for you. I have no great words of wisdom but as the person who sounds to care most and be closest to your dad - trust your instincts because you are best placed to make the decisions that are truly in your dads best interests. Take care x
 

Spottydog

Registered User
Dec 8, 2023
191
0
I’m sorry @Spottydog - this must be such a worrying situation for you. I have no great words of wisdom but as the person who sounds to care most and be closest to your dad - trust your instincts because you are best placed to make the decisions that are truly in your dads best interests. Take care x
Thank you. These last two years have been hard. If I could turn the clock back to how he was in 2022 I would in a heartbeat. I know your husband is going through his own investigations and I sincerely hope all turns out well for him. Whatever happens, treasure what you have today x
 

sdmhred

Registered User
Jan 26, 2022
2,653
0
Surrey
Bless you @Spottydog - you must be so tired and exhausted caring remotely all this time.

You can always contact your Dad’s GP - does he have meds for anxiety and depression?

In my mind the care for the person with dementia should also include care for the main carer. If you’re struggling with your own health then the care isn’t working - and you’re right SS will not fund live in care.

I wish there were easy answers for you.
 

RM3

Registered User
Feb 4, 2024
724
0
Thank you. These last two years have been hard. If I could turn the clock back to how he was in 2022 I would in a heartbeat. I know your husband is going through his own investigations and I sincerely hope all turns out well for him. Whatever happens, treasure what you have today x
@Spottydog - thank you and I really will (thanks to the insight this forum has given me as to what may be ahead - I will make the most of the time now).
I never knew the mental and physical turmoil that carers of a pwd go through - until joining this forum.
I wish the powers that be, would spend a few weeks/months reading posts on here and bring in appropriate support for carers and so much more.
Take care @Spottydog x
 

Spottydog

Registered User
Dec 8, 2023
191
0
Bless you @Spottydog - you must be so tired and exhausted caring remotely all this time.

You can always contact your Dad’s GP - does he have meds for anxiety and depression?

In my mind the care for the person with dementia should also include care for the main carer. If you’re struggling with your own health then the care isn’t working - and you’re right SS will not fund live in care.

I wish there were easy answers for you.
Thank you. Yes we had an assessment in in January where we all agreed meds weren't a good idea as he lives on his own and is at risk of falls. I have it on my to do list to see if that can be reviewed however I feel at this stage it's a sticking plaster that won't last long. GP went to see him 2 weeks ago but seemed mostly interested in getting a DNR on file than anything else.....
 

yoy

Registered User
Jun 19, 2022
314
0
I've been caring remotely for my dad since my mum died in 2019. He did OK til 2022 and from then on its a been a downward slide. His personal care is great, carers come in twice a day to steady the ship, but he has no short term memory, has become extremely anxious about his house and neighbours. The carers think he can still manage as he presents well to them but they don't see the anxiety that I see or know all the day to day work that I put in to keep him treading water. It's getting harder and harder and my health is suffering too. Tonight, in a moment of lucidity, he says he doesn't want to live like this and just wants to go pop. I'm now terrified he will harm himself. I know a care home will not suit him but I don't feel there is any other option as SS don't fund live in care.
Don't fear the care home option, you may be surprised. My mum got very anxious, a bit depressed about being alone and confused about her own home, but now that she is settled in her care home she is much better. I think she is reassured by there being people around all day and has settled well.
 

Spottydog

Registered User
Dec 8, 2023
191
0
So by way of an update I did phone Social Services to request a reassessment but no answer so had to leave a message. No one got in touch. I will try again next week, he is deteriorating fast. He's got little interest in anything but I do see occasional flashes of his sense of humour and he does seem to improve when I am here. I can't stay here forever though. My husband came with me this time and has sorted out his garden which is an immense help. He didn't recognise my husband. He keeps thinking someone else owns his house and he is going to get thrown out. I am pretty sure he emptied his bladder on the bedroom floor last night.... I have put bicarbonate of soda on it. I remember my mum did that to my toe when I was stung by a bee when I was little!