still not dealing

[beckyivy]

hi all,

this is really hard but im also aware it could be a way of unlocking all these feelings i have inside where do i start. i suppose ill start by telling you all about this amasing lady my nanny nanny (dunno why a double nanny just always called her it) growing up she was the one person i never had to explain myself too also the one person who made me feel special and good enough.
while in my second year of uni my grandfarther died and this is where it all started nan was moved into a care home and then shortly afterwards started exposing herself to people and was diagnosed with dementia. from the i saw the cuddly bubbly amasingly strong lady my nanny deteriorate, during this time i also had a friends suicide and financial problems adding to the stress of the one person i wanted being unable to be there it left me with a lot of guilt.
nan finally lost her battle november 23rd(me having spent the whole day with her reading little women she was asleep the whole time) last year and at that time i was thrust into funeral stuff and organising flowers (my dads and sisters grief meant i had to take controll of the situation) reading at the funeral and then getting back to work in mental health. through this i have not allowed myself to grieve and get over her ive had to keep going while everyone else falls apart. now im unemployed and the year mark is coming up i feel that there is no one i can talk to about this i asked my mum for support at the funeral and she refused to come due to financial constraints so things arent good there. dunno if any of you have gone through anything like this. if i could have one thing id have her back cause when i lost her i lost my confidant friend and most importantly my nanny.

sorry to rattle on

Beckyivy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Vonny]

Hi Beckyivy,

I've had no experience of what you have been through, but it sounds horrendous, especially having to deal with it all at such a young age when you should have been enjoying yourself.

I was lucky because we are a small, closely-knit family and we all pulled together when my mum died. I don't know that I could have coped with all the arrangements on my own like you had to, and I'm middle-aged.

Please allow yourself to grieve, let yourself cry and, while we here on TP aren't the confidante and friend your lovely nanny was, we are here for you so post your heart out and we will try to help.

Vonny xx