we need advice

[kascomi]

My dad has recently been diagnosed with vascular demetia and has spent the last 8 weeks in hospital after a fall in town. Until this he had been living on his own, since losing mum 4 years ago. We noticed his behaviour changing, and the loss of short term memory happening over the past year or so. When he was in hospital we were told that he would not be able to go home as he needed full time care, even though he had lived on his own for the past 4 years. We felt pushed into making decisions about things we know nothing about,and didnt get any real help or advice. Dad moved into a lovely care home yesterday, but our concerns are that everyone else in there has much further advanced dementia than him .and that this is the wrong environment for him.He can do everything for himself, just needs reminding to do some things. We felt so bad when we left the home last night and are now so confused. Can anyone offer any help or advice? please?

[Natashalou]

hi and welcome . Its pretty difficult to advise without knowing a lot more...but I know just where your coming from as several years ago I felt my mum was discharged into full time care before she needed to be there.
Is your dads previous home still available ?if so, contact SS about a care package for him to go back there at least as a trial , I wished I had done this .
Who chose the home he is in now and how is it funded? I askthis as if he is self funding you can simply choose another home that you feel might be more suitable but if SS are picking up the bill it might be more complicated.

[Lynne]

'Wait and See' would be my immediate advice. If your Dad has spent the last 8 weeks in hospital (basically not being able or required to look after himself)
it's very likely he wouldn't have been able to return home & look after himself properly, even with the support you would undoubtedly give him.
I think you might be kidding yourself if you think he could just get back to normal again and be safe (was this the first fall he had had?)

If the lovely care home remains lovely (ie you don't start seeing problems after you've visited a few times) and if your Dad settles, give him & yourselves a week or two 'convalescence' and breathing space.

We felt so bad when we left the home last night and are now so confused.

A lot of this is due to a horrible character, very familar to us on Talking Point, called the Guilt-monster.
We ALL suffer his attentions, whether our loved ones are still at home, in care or even (in my case) now dead!
It's because you love him and feel you ought to be able to make everything right for him.
It feels like betrayal to consider letting anyone else look after him, it feels as though you've failed him in some way.

Please, keep posting and reading on here some of the other similar situations (no two are ever quite the same!) and see how your Dad feels about where he is now.
Things may become clearer with a little time for everyone to adjust.

[Bristolbelle]

I just wondered if your Dad is able to express his feelings on this, he might be quite happy, or not and after all it's his feelings that ate paramount. If his property is already goen I would not be too hasty in moving him as being continually moved would be unsettling. Give yourselves a coupld of weeks to thin things through rather than acting impulsively (you did say it's a lovely home so you have no concerns for his overall welfare I presume?. You might even find he takes on a nuturing role for those who are worse than he is and that it gives him a new purpose in life.
I used to be totally and utterly opposed to any suggestion of care homes as I saw them as no more than plces for waiting for the inevitable. Two things have changed - personal experience of seeing an older person struggle at home even with care packages in place, and havng visited a few care homes seeing the love care and attention many offer, and talking to residents who are very happy.
I am now not certain I can better care for my Mum as her condition advances and although we are not yet at that crossroads, I know I shall seriously consider residential care once things progress.

[kascomi]

Thank you all for your advice and comments, it really helps to hear other peoples experiences. Dad seems to have settled, even though he still feels lonely, he used to be such a "sociable" friendly man, but since losing Mum also seems to have lost the ability to socialise. Dad is self funding, so we know we are able to move him if the need arises. The main issue that Dad cant understand is not being able to go out when he wants to, we have explained why this is and he accepts it. I took him out for the day on sunday which he enjoyed. I do agree that we need to give this time, as it is all so new to us at the moment.