Moving Mum

[yebby]

My Mum has had Alzheimers for over 3 years now and in that time my Dad has been her sole carer although I saw them regularly. My husband and I had to move earlier this summer and asked them to come and live with us as we are now over 5 hours drive from their home and I wanted to help Dad take care of her and hopefully give him a better quality of life.
Well they moved in last week (we had a little annexe converted for them) - and you probably all know what's coming next. Mum is very confused and so unhappy. She keeps saying she wants to go home, or that she can't go for a walk with Dad because she doesn't know where to walk. Walking was one of the few things they did regularly before - at least twice every day. I feel wracked with guilt because my father's life is now harder than ever even though I try to look after Mum for a few hours each day.
I know its very early days, and this subject has probably been covered before but can anyone out there give me any advice? All our lives have been changed for ever. I feel permanently low and so the knock on effect on my husband is awful to watch too. Any tips at all as to how to cope, how to help Mum, anything would be most gratefully received. I can't even tick one of the smilies because I can't stop crying as I type this.

[Vonny]

Hi Yebby, and a warm welcome to Talking Point, although I'm sorry you've had to find us.

Any change is upsetting to someone with dementia, but it's worth bearing in mind that sufferers can beg to go home even when they are living in the house they've live in for 30 years. Sometimes it is their childhood homes they are referring to, sometimes no-one knows where they mean. It is very early days yet, so your mum is bound to be confused.

Your mum and dad will find new walks to go on I'm sure, and although it will take a while, your mum will gradually adapt to her new surroundings. Try to take one day at a time. It's hard but at least you know your mum is safe and close by.

I hope you will feel supported by us here on TP, we are always here for you when the going gets tough.

Vonny xx

[yebby]

Thank you so much for your reply. Strangely it does help sharing this with people I know will understand. Pouring ones troubles out to complete strangers who won't judge but just accept because they know what it feels like. I feel as though I've found much needed friend(s) who I can turn to when I don't want to burden those who are near to me. Hope that makes sense.

[Sandy]

Hi yebby,

Your posts make total sense. Isolation whilst dealing with something as devastating as dementia can be a crippling experience.

You might also want to contact your local branch of the Alzheimer's Society:

http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/cu...anchCode=14146

It looks like they have a fairly impressive list of services.

Have you got your mum linked into the local mental health team? A good consultant and a Community Psychiatric Nurse (CPN) can be extremely valuable sources of expertise and support. The local Social Services Older People's Team can also be worth contacting.

Knowing what services exist locally, sometimes well in advance of actually needing them, can be key to enabling your family to care for your mum without sacrificing your own health.

Take care,

[Tender Face]

Yebby, I am going to make a bold analogy with a new child coming into a home (I am not suggesting your mum and dad are children!). Think of the disruption ... the total chaos ..... lives turned upside down with new routines ..... (or lack of routine and disruptions!) ..... changes in roles ...... another ... just moving home as an independent couple – learning how to work a new cooker even ...... it takes time to adjust ....... and sounds like you all are experiencing significant change, not just mum and dad ...... (and I wonder dad is actually the one experiencing the most ‘change’ from primary/sole carer to having you so close by all of a sudden, which whilst it’s probably wonderful for him in some ways is a new situation for him and a (nice) challenge in itself in terms of how he fits in to everything .......his previous and new role ....

Please don’t be wracked with guilt, what you have done is remarkable ....... and full of best intent ..... we all get wracked with guilt for different reasons ... daycare, respite, homes, walking into another room when things get tough – the list is endless ...... maybe some decisions don’t seem right first time ... but knowing we have made decisions with the right motives alone is sometimes enough ..... give it time to work out, I am sure it will ..... and it will because you all want it to, of course.

Please let us know how you are all getting on, Karen, x

[NewKid]

HI there, hope you continue to get reassurance and comfort from all here at TP.

As others have said it is early days, and I'm betting you are 'feeling permanently low' after a long period of agonising and stress .. trying to do the right thing and just feeling drained and exhausted by the decision-making process. It is very hard making decisions for your parents! (I came home from a hard decision about my own Mum's - distant - care last week and couldn't stop crying. You're among friends here.) Your dad I am sure will love you and appreciate very much your supportive intentions and I hope it all settles before too long.

All the best, keep us informed.