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  1. #1
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    My poor old long suffering dad

    I felt so sad and sorry for my dad today. He's had two bad days with mam being aggressive, awkward and nasty to him. He looks shattered; I'm glad the overnight respite is tomorrow.

    I feel totally helpless and at a complete loss, yet again, as to what to do. I know there are no answers but just needed to say it out loud.

    Again.

    xx

  2. #2
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    Much Love & Support ............

    Quote Originally Posted by CollegeGirl View Post
    I felt so sad and sorry for my dad today. He's had two bad days with mam being aggressive, awkward and nasty to him. He looks shattered; I'm glad the overnight respite is tomorrow.

    I feel totally helpless and at a complete loss, yet again, as to what to do. I know there are no answers but just needed to say it out loud.

    Again.

    xx
    Oh C Girl ! , Have just logged on & seen this ....... am sorry this is happening & it must be awful for you to see your lovely , caring Dad looking shattered ........... I'm also glad your Mam is in Respite tomorrow & hope your Dad has a good rest


    Sorry no real advice except love & understanding ( I also feel sorry for my Mum when she is stressed out ...... & HATE it when she has accidents in the Home .......... burnt hand in the microwave because she is tired & stressed etc ............that was the other month ..... hand healed well )


    Much Love , BIG HUGS & Kind thoughts


    Grove x x X X
    Where there is injury,pardon;
    Where there is dicord,union;
    Where there is doubt, faith;
    Where there is despair; hope;
    Where there is darkness,light;
    Where there is sadness,joy;

    ST Francis Of Assisi

  3. #3
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    Aw, thank you grove xx

  4. #4
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    I do worry for your dad. Obviously it has to be his choice but it must be horrendous to watch.

    People do think of a care home as being the very worse thing that could happen but I have to say I think it has been a turning point for my mum. She just seems more content now and the carers haven't seen any of her previous aggression and frustration. Obviously everyone responds differently and I know it must be a much worse decision for a husband or wife to make. Though if she did settle eventually it would make his visits much more pleasant and hopefully keep his health in tact a little longer. It's so much responsibility being a full time carer.

    My heart goes out to all of you xxx

  5. #5
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    I think I would appraoch it from the angle that if your dad becomes ill through trying to look after your mum then it will result in a crisis and her being placed in a care home as an emergency response to that crisis, which is unlikely to result in any choice at all about the care home.

    I doubt if you'll get anywehere by pointing out how ill your dad is making himself except by pointing out the effect his actually becoming too ill to look after your mum.

    He is quite likely to totally disregard himself and probably looks upon it as being selfish and will always put his wife first. I think if I hadn't intervened then my mum would have gone on caring, or trying to care, for my dad until it killed her or at the very least lead to her collapsing and being ambulanced to hospital.

    I apporached it from the angle that her own health was not just for her, but for dad too, because he would also suffer if she became ill.

    Ultimately my dad was actually sectioned into hospital and my mum admitted that although it was horrible and she hated doing it, after the event she actually felt relieved and only realised the awful strain and how ill it was making her to care after she stopped doing it.

    Married couples, espescially older generations, take it as a given that they will care no matter what, at any cost to themselves, "in sickness and in health" and "till death us do part" and often look upon placing a partner into a care home as a failure on their part, or a betrayal.

    It's not really, I argued that if my dad had broken a leg my mum wouldn;t have hesitated to dial 999 because it required professional care beyond that which she was able to give and not doing so would obviously have a dire outcome.

  6. #6
    Your dad has walked a long road CG . I'm sorry it is taking a toll on his health.

    Sylvia

    Former Carer and Volunteer Moderator .

    I cried because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet

    About me

  7. #7
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    u

    Hi cg hope your dad gets a well earned rest, bless must be hard watching your dad suffer too. Keep strongexx

  8. #8
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    So sorry to read that your dad is having such a hard time They do say love is blind and it sounds like his love is greater than the pain he is experiencing.
    Difficult to stand by and watch this difficult journey though.

    Sending some positive vibes for you all at what must seem like a really difficult time.

  9. #9
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    Thank you everyone. Your kind words mean so much. I wish I could fix this.

  10. #10
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    hiya CG,

    Do you think perhaps it is time for the respite to be tweaked? I know your dad would have to be convinced but having seen the benefits of the current arrangement and how it has allowed your mum to remain at home for longer, maybe extending the respite by a day might achieve a new balance perhaps? This suggestion could come from the home perhaps, especially if they noticed your dad is not looking as rested as when the original arrangement was put in place.

    Faling that - how about a temporary increase for this week and next only? That kind of thing might help too.

    Fiona
    Mistakes and mysterious words in my posts are not my doing...I have now entered the realms of the dreaded predictive text on my IPad!!!

  11. #11
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    Your father has been on my mind. What a loving man to want to handle this, but it's just overwhelming for us at our age (their children). My father was just so mean - not knowing it, of course - to my mother, sisters, and me. He would have lucid moments and say, "I never wanted it to be like this," and then he'd sleep, and then when waking he'd be right back at us about getting home or whatever.

    Can your dad come over to be with you for a bit, leaving your mother to carers, or to respite care? I think if he could have some regular time away from the hubbub, he'd learn how good it is to be able to feel loved and relax.

    I'm so sorry. It was very hard to help my mother through the issues with my father. She never mentions him now. She knows she was married and sees his picture, and once in awhile she will tear up from recollections, but mostly she just enjoys her days now watching tv and chatting, as best she can, with her carers. I hope your dad makes it past this troubling time. And you - I hope you are doing okay.

    Good wishes.

  12. #12
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    Hi CG I hope your dad is able to get some rest tonight. Does he stay at home when the carer comes in or does he sleep over at your home? It is so awful when the aggression is there as I know from experience. My heart goes out to you all. I really hope your dad can get some rest. BIG ((((HUGS)))) to you all. LovLee xxx

    Quote Originally Posted by CollegeGirl View Post
    I felt so sad and sorry for my dad today. He's had two bad days with mam being aggressive, awkward and nasty to him. He looks shattered; I'm glad the overnight respite is tomorrow.

    I feel totally helpless and at a complete loss, yet again, as to what to do. I know there are no answers but just needed to say it out loud.

    Again.

    xx

  13. #13
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    Thank you all, truly, for your suggestions. But they won't work .

    Dad is a lovely, loyal, wonderful man. You couldn't meet a better man if you searched the whole world over. He is also incredibly stubborn - in the nicest possible way.

    When mam was in respite a couple of weeks ago, and he was ill with vertigo, I gently suggested that mam stay in respite at least one more night until he felt better. He said no, and I had to go and bring her home. If I had refused, he would have gone himself, and he really wasn't well enough to drive.

    Believe me, I've tried all the approaches mentioned, to no avail. Dad nods and says yes, I know what you mean, I understand; and then carries on as normal. It's frustrating but I do understand. He loves her.

    Mam becomes a lost soul when in respite and dad can't bear to see it. So the regime that we have is probably the best it's ever going to be. It's a very good regime, actually - overnight respite in a nursing home every Monday morning until Tuesday evening, then daycare in the same nursing home every Friday. I know many people would love to have this sort of support, and we're grateful for it.

    Hey ho. Perhaps I just need to stop moaning. Sorry folks.

  14. #14
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    Its not moaning CG, its caring xxx

  15. #15
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    Hi cg your moaning and Evan if you were that's ok too. Your not only worrying about your mum you've got to think about your lovely dad to. Well done to you. Linda xx what a disease. Just got to plod on. lindaxx

 

 

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