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  1. #1
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    Apr 2013
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    13

    Getting fed up with Verbal Abuse

    Really getting fed up with the verbal abuse from my Husband. The memory of us is going and his past wife (who is deceased) is coming to the here and now being accused of all sorts is getting me down.

    Trevor went to his Daughters the other day and I went shopping after getting what I had to get from town, I had to force my self to come back home because I could not face him coming back and the nastiness

    I have been advised to ignore it but finding it very difficult to do IT'S HEARTBREAKING, the love I had for Trevor is slowly going because of the nastiness.

    My first Husband was very abusive physically and mentally it took me a long time to be strong after we divorced and now I am getting verbal abuse from husband number 2.

    I am crying a lot

    Lesley

  2. #2
    Registered User
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    Dec 2008
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    canada
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    Hi Lesley

    I totally understand where you are coming from, my husband is in the very early stages of dementia but my normally quiet controlled gentle man became a monster. He was verbally and on occasion physically agressive.He became a total stranger and for a few months i walked on eggshells. My 1st husband was very like your 1st so i totally feel for you. We have just recently got a diagnosis after a lot of moaning to the gp on my part. I also complained to his specialist that his behaviours were very distressing to me and to the people around him. She prescribed a low doseage drug that has helped tremendously, he is now back on track and although it hasn't stopped completely its 99% he just now swears a little bit but the tantrums etc have stopped.He says he feels calmer and more in control of himself. So i suppose what i'm saying is DON'T suffer in silence, go to your GP/memory nurse see if there is something they can give him to help. It will wear you down you're only human, go for a walk if you can, try and change the mood, if its something he's mad at in particular go with the flow, deflect it to something else.My husband doesn't accept responsibility for anything hes done and will blame and get mad at me for something he's done. I just say ok i'm a silly sod how do i fix it....or do i do it this way....this works for us. Try and not take it personally I know thats hard but its NOT you he's mad at. I've cried and screamed and lived with a stranger for a whole year before i got to the bottom of it and he was diagnosed. Just keep reminding yourself of all the reasons why you married him in the first place. Why when our children are awful we still love them....This disease tries so hard to take everything from us by destroying everything we have. I cried for weeks, its mourning i think knowing the relationship we had is disappearing, however i work hard at it everyday to remind myself why i chose him as my husband.some days its easier than others.

    Keep your chin up Lesley, and come on here and explode if you have to, it helps so much to talk to people in similar situations. YOU ARE NOT ALONE


    Nikky


    Quote Originally Posted by moomar View Post
    Really getting fed up with the verbal abuse from my Husband. The memory of us is going and his past wife (who is deceased) is coming to the here and now being accused of all sorts is getting me down.

    Trevor went to his Daughters the other day and I went shopping after getting what I had to get from town, I had to force my self to come back home because I could not face him coming back and the nastiness

    I have been advised to ignore it but finding it very difficult to do IT'S HEARTBREAKING, the love I had for Trevor is slowly going because of the nastiness.

    My first Husband was very abusive physically and mentally it took me a long time to be strong after we divorced and now I am getting verbal abuse from husband number 2.

    I am crying a lot

    Lesley

  3. #3
    I have no magic words that will make this OK, but I do understand, had my mum trying to break my door down yesterday. Thank goodness I have my own home.

    God grant me the serenity
    to accept the things I cannot change;
    courage to change the things I can;
    and wisdom to know the difference.

    --Reinhold Niebuhr

  4. #4
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Mar 2013
    Location
    Cambrigeshire
    Posts
    28
    I had similar problem with my hubby. He kept accusing me of 'flirting' (for want of a better word) with men, which I never did, for 4 1/2 years. The final straw was when he accused me of having 'inapropiate relations' with a doctor for a smear test. Where he got that from, I'll never know. He carried the accusations on for 4-5 days (typically over the weekend when professional help in non-exsistant) then I managed to get to GP, slip the receptionist an expanotary note, and we left the next day with Rispiridone. He's still on it, 1/2 tablet a day. But what finally helped was 7 days in restpite care home. He felt that I had left him, and equated it to the old workhouse system and the lunatic asylums, he's 89, so he remembers them and visiting someone in them as a youngster or in his teenage years. since then, the accusations towards me have stopped.
    So maybe getting in touch with social services and ask, forcefully without going too far, for restpite care. I've phoned them up in tears and made it clear I'm 'falling off my rope' and I NEED help.
    Good luck

  5. #5
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Location
    Middle England
    Posts
    655
    My mum now takes an antidepressant tablet every day - they have helped to supress the everyday anger and rages which we used to have. Do talk this over with you doctor - Nikky & Gingernut's advice is spot on - IMO.

  6. #6
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Apr 2013
    Location
    Scotland
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    688
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    1
    This is the first time I have seen someone address the issue of the person you loved becoming a stranger. It is heartbreaking and I hope your gp will help. Mentally adjusting to living with someone who is drifting away from you is another thing altogether. My consolation is that since my husband's diagnosis I understand better why this is happening. For years I believed he just couldn't care less what I thought when he behaved badly and now I can see where things are going and head him off before we have a row. I am happier (best I can't see the future!) and I think he is too.

    Aggression will wear you down so it must be dealt with and the GP is the best place to start.

  7. #7
    Oh, how this has brought it all back. It is devastating, I do understand; been there and worn the T-shirt!

    Sadly my husband is now in a care home, but this disease causes so much heartache for us, and fear for them. I was accused of having knocked down our neighbour's house, one day. It got very nasty. I pretended to go next door to apologise and came back and said that the neighbour was OK about it and I would pay him to have it put back! That was the end of the issue.

    I definitely found it easiest and calmest to accept the accusations, and just eat humble pie. After all, it's no good arguing, because in their mind, what they are saying is true! (If you see what I mean.)

    I can see how upsetting it is when he talks about his first wife - what can I say? The memory plays tricks, but always remember how things were and that is the true picture. My husband doesn't remember us getting married, but he still knows on his good days that I am a good person to him, and that I love him and care. I do keep reassuring him of that.

    I send you a hug, as I do know how distressing this phase is, but do try to remember his unkindness isn't aimed at you personally, it is his mind playing tricks.
    “Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.” - Buddha

 

 

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