Dad had a TIA and heart attack

[xyz]

Hi All,

I haven't posted for a while and a lot has happened since.

For those who don't know, dad has mild/moderate vascular dementia/ alzheimers. He still works f/t at 71yrs. Mum is mentally unstable and had a TIA i the past. She mocks dad and bullies him.

I have a very difficult relationship with mum because of her behaviour towards dad and I. I can't stand to see what she's doing to dad. I'm not working and in Aug 2012 I finally moved out of their house due to mums erratic behaviour and detrimental effect of my health.

I was living here, there and everywhere till the end of November when I moved in with my sister who was never there to help of support me with family matters. I also have a brother who thinks I'm the reason for all conflict in the house despite being the only one single handed looking out for both parents.

Dad had recently caught the flu and I offered to come and look after him but he said he was ok but I was increasingly concerned as he was breathless which was unusual. Mum who is meant to be looking after him wasn't doing a good job, she hadn't called the Dr. I called the emergency Dr because he was gasping for air and more confused than normal. The Dr said it was all flu related. Granted the symptoms could fit but I still felt something wasn't right.

Anyway last Friday I received a call from my estranged mum saying dad had a TIA and upon investigation he had had a heart attack over the past two weeks. He had lost partial vision. He is in hospital and waiting for an angiogram. They know his heart muscle is weak and there is a blood clot in the heart. He is upbeat but fragile. He keeps repeating things but that's normal.

He told me it's stress.....stress from living at home, stress from worrying about me because I don't feel like I have a place in the family and feel isolated. He told me I'm the only family he has, he needs me and doesn't trust the rest of the family.

I am currently back at the family home to be near the hospital to see dad. My mum and sister (who I convinced to come to see dad) are thick as thieves at the moment, leaving me out of everything. I'm feeling isolated and the only family I have is in hospital. My sister and I had an argument (because she felt I didn't help make dinner. I asked and she said she was fine besides when I've been caring for the folks for 3/4yrs during which mum had a TIA, major artery op', hypo's, back injections etc no one was here to help me) so now she is completely blanking me and my existence. I feel really down and stressed.....

x

[Margaret W]

Hiya xyz

I've no concrete help to offer I'm afraid. You sound like a really caring daughter caught like piggy in the middle. Well, that must be the worst place to be. I say it with some conviction cos this week I've been piggy in the middle with my alcoholic cousin and her useless husband who should have dealt with her years ago. In fact, she could have early onset dementia cos she has delusions. I don't know how to deal with family and sometimes you must wish you didn't have any if they don't help.

But stick to your guns. Get dad sorted first after his hospitalisation, and make sure they know he is going home to a place where there will be no reliable care for him, and don't offer for it to be you. Get a proper care plan in place.

I hope this forum can help you feel less isolated. we can't solve the problems for you, but can make you feel a whole lot better about how you deal with them.

Let us know what happens.

Love

Margaret

[xyz]

Hi Margaret,

Thanks for your reply. Sounds like you are having a time of it too. Spot on, that's how I feel about the family.

I'll let the hospital know hoever dad always denies it and says his wife helps with everything. The hospital asked dad who does the food shopping, who does his ironing, washing, pay the bills, housework etc and he said he or his wife. This is untrue because he does everything because he gets bullied if he doesn't. I think he wears himself out but what do I know.

Thanks for the moral support! x

[karen.botha]

Hi All,

I haven't posted for a while and a lot has happened since.

For those who don't know, dad has mild/moderate vascular dementia/ alzheimers. He still works f/t at 71yrs. Mum is mentally unstable and had a TIA i the past. She mocks dad and bullies him.

I have a very difficult relationship with mum because of her behaviour towards dad and I. I can't stand to see what she's doing to dad. I'm not working and in Aug 2012 I finally moved out of their house due to mums erratic behaviour and detrimental effect of my health.

I was living here, there and everywhere till the end of November when I moved in with my sister who was never there to help of support me with family matters. I also have a brother who thinks I'm the reason for all conflict in the house despite being the only one single handed looking out for both parents.

Dad had recently caught the flu and I offered to come and look after him but he said he was ok but I was increasingly concerned as he was breathless which was unusual. Mum who is meant to be looking after him wasn't doing a good job, she hadn't called the Dr. I called the emergency Dr because he was gasping for air and more confused than normal. The Dr said it was all flu related. Granted the symptoms could fit but I still felt something wasn't right.

Anyway last Friday I received a call from my estranged mum saying dad had a TIA and upon investigation he had had a heart attack over the past two weeks. He had lost partial vision. He is in hospital and waiting for an angiogram. They know his heart muscle is weak and there is a blood clot in the heart. He is upbeat but fragile. He keeps repeating things but that's normal.

He told me it's stress.....stress from living at home, stress from worrying about me because I don't feel like I have a place in the family and feel isolated. He told me I'm the only family he has, he needs me and doesn't trust the rest of the family.

I am currently back at the family home to be near the hospital to see dad. My mum and sister (who I convinced to come to see dad) are thick as thieves at the moment, leaving me out of everything. I'm feeling isolated and the only family I have is in hospital. My sister and I had an argument (because she felt I didn't help make dinner. I asked and she said she was fine besides when I've been caring for the folks for 3/4yrs during which mum had a TIA, major artery op', hypo's, back injections etc no one was here to help me) so now she is completely blanking me and my existence. I feel really down and stressed.....

x

It may be hard, but your Dad sees the strength in you and he needs that right now. I don't know, but perhaps your Mum and Sister are just thick as thieves because they both know that something could have been done for your Dad but they didn't and now they feel guilty and perhaps in some way blame you as you saw it. This is silly and just shows them in a bad light, you can rise above this for the sake of your Dad. x