Introducing respite care...advice needed!

[Slvrfxx]

Hi all, Merry Christmas! Time is nearing when my mum is going to need time away from caring for my dad. I'd really appreciate any advice on how to best introduce the idea of respite care to him as although he knows he has a poor memory he doesn't see how bad he really is in terms of confusion, lack of awareness, memory etc. So far we have managed to give mum support from within the family but it now needs other help to give her more regular and planned time away. My worry is how dad will re-act to a third party coming into the house and mum going away on her own. He still thinks he can is perfectly capable but in reality he cannot make a cup of tea or get dressed properly on his own. We never now leave him by himself. Any suggestions on how to get the message across as kindly as possible that someone else needs to come in to support mum and look after him while minimizing any potential upset/resentment etc will be very much appreciated :-)

[Pacucho]

Hi

I was in the same position with my late mum, whom I cared for at home, and needed help myself in caring for her. What I learnt with my mum is that it was pointless trying to explain to her that I needed help with her care because she either could not understand nor remember what I said and/or comprehend it. Therefore, the approach I used was if my mum asked I would explain the other person was there to help me, and I made no mention of the fact as to why.

Also, the other major factor was trying to find someone who could bond with my mum so that she would accept there help when needed. This is not easy and you may find you go through a few people before someone is accepted. I found my mum preferred a younger person.
Hope this helps,
Paco

[sistermillicent]

Are you talking about the odd few hours on a regular basis or are you arranging for your mum to be away for a week at a time?
We went down the road of suggesting that mum might like to have a cleaner for a few hours a week, which was thrown back at us very quickly, she was perfectly capable of cleaning her own house (not). So we said nothing but eventually got an agency to send a carer two mornings a week. Dad went out the first day it happened so that I could deal with the flak from the "hand over" which was likely to be pretty bad.
Neither dad nor I had been able to help mum get dressed that morning, she had refused help, shouted and shoved us, but hadn't been able to put any clothes on, so when the carer arrived mum was in her bedroom. We had a coffee and a chat and then she said she would like to see mum, so she went to her room and I listened out for mum's temper to start off, but all i heard was giggling. Ten minutes later mum came out dressed and tidy and asking the carer for some breakfast. I went out and came back a couple of hours later to find all well.
Mum thought the carers were cleaners, she sometimes dismissed them but they had a room to go and sit in with magazines etc if she got stroppy about them being there.

There is a lot more I could say about our experience but I just want to get across to you that we thought it would be really upsetting and awful and it wasn't. A few weeks later we got mum into respite for a couple of weeks - again she was vile to us but charm itself to the staff. We didn't prepare her, there was no point, just took her there and said dad had to go away for a bit and she was staying in this hotel. She now goes to day care as well and takes it all in her stride.