Keys Obsession -help

[Davet]

Hi I am a carer for my Dad, share with my sister my Mum had Alzheimer's too, sadly also had pancreatic cancer which took her from us in April this year, they were married for over 55 years. Dad is 78 and lives in own house, physically fit especially for age we are with him every day and evening. The main problems are obviously memory related no idea what day it is and constantly repeats every question on a 5 minute cyclical basis. He was in car trade retired over 20 years ago and still has a car which he cannot drive as DVLA revoked his license, cannot sell as believe would upset him too much.
We have had to get a blank key for it(old mercedes) as causes too much aggro if we hide or take keys. He has no interest other than golf (very occasionally play usually not interested) and going out for lunch so when left on own (odd hour in day) he goes into garage to start car, which surprisingly blank key won't turn ignition, then searches all drawers finding every key to try and resolve problem. He then gets confused and starts on front then back door trying every key, getting more and more upset, phones constantly even though try to placate only solution is to go round with proper keys for car and prove it does start, this depresses him more because cannot understand how I can start and he cant. We cannot leave keys as sure he would drive car as would forget he was banned. Anyone else have similar, although it is mainly car key problem house keys cause him anxiety always checking he has them when at my house.
Sorry so long winded post, but wanted to give full story, today he made himself feel ill by getting so worked up !!! appreciate any advice , comments

[chris53]

Hello Davet, welcome to Talking Point, sorry you have need for us but glad you have joined, much support and understanding here-all hours of the day or night! what an additional worry you have with dad, obsession with keys (in general) seem to be for a lot of us carers something our loved ones focus on and major panics arise if they are not "in sight" my mum now takes her keys from room to room and will panic if she can't see them can only think would it help if you put a steering lock on dads car? "to make it safe" with house keys would a clip on key chain help? one with a long chain,with mum she now has a big bright key ring which has helped, also I have put a cat bell on it so with a bright colour and the tinkle of the bell stops most (not all) of this panic. I hope you can find an answer soon, but do please keep posting and let us know how things are.
Best wishes - Chris

[jenniferpa]

Hi and welcome to Talking Point.

While I understand your reasoning with regard to the car, I'm wondering whether removing the car from his sight might not be the best thing. As it stands, he is constantly (well every time he looks out the window) reminded that it is there, which fuels his obsession.

In your place, I would remove it and tell him it's being repaired (or whatever) at least for a couple of weeks and see if he forgets about it. He might, but he definitely won't while it is still sitting there, and it doesn't commit you to anything. Sometimes it's best to simply take a deep breath and confront these things head-on. Yes, he'll be upset if you remove the car, but the reality is that is causing an awful lot of upset already.

[Witzend]

Oh, dear, what a nightmare for you. Is there any way the car could be 'fixed' so he could start it but not actually drive it? Could you pretend there is something wrong with it (so it has to go to the garage to be fixed) - maybe park it elsewhere for a while and hope he forgets about it? Though this may be a tall order, I know.

These obsessions do usually pass eventually but they're very hard going while they last. My fil was utterly obsessed with keys, too - he was living with us and we couldn't leave any keys anywhere, inc. in the french doors etc, since he would take and hide them.

He was also completely obsessed with a bag he carried around and was constantly fretting about if he couldn't immediately see it - it contained his (defunct) bank books in a supermarket bag, which he took out and rustled constantly. While he was staying with bil and sil for a few days to give me a break they were driven so mad with it that my bil took the bag away from him and said it was gone.

At the time I will admit I thought this very callous or even cruel of my bil, but in fact after a very few days he stopped asking about the wretched bag, so the obsession was broken and the constant fretting and maddening rustling disappeared. Maybe the same would happen with the car - you never know.

Good luck, anyway - I hope someone else will have better ideas.

[2TT charlie]

Very difficult as I understand a car being more than just a method of transport. Does he just try to start it or does he also want to polish or fettle the engine? Sounds like he's just focused on the keys and isn't phoning the garage or checking under the bonnet. If he's not likely to fix it himself or phone anyone else to fix it, then you could try removing the rotor arm or HT leads so that his key turns, but it won't actually start.

In this situation when you also can't start it, you've got the chance to remove it 'to be fixed' and then tell him it's being fixed but the parts are hard to find or to start telling him that it's too old to be fixed, none of the garages will touch it because it's too old, parts not available, etc. So it can either stay where it is and he can sit in it, or you can move it away to another location.

[Downsizer]

I've had a similar problem with my father (also, interestingly, ex motor trade). One of the responses suggests taking the car away. This may help, but my fathers car went back to Mobility...after which he just transfered his attention to another car! Luckily its my wifes, not a neighbours! I've found that his obsession has decreased over time, though I have a bad day every now and then when he's trying to unlock the car with his house key and reappears every 15 mins or so to try again. The best thing I find is to try and distract him with something else, but there are days when he doesnt respond. His wanting to get in the car is usually linked to a feeling that he needs to go to work, or a wish to visit his mother (long since deceased) - perhaps understanding where he wants to go in the car might be helpful in working out how to focus him on something else?

[Davet]

Hi all, thanks so much for replies helps to know your dad is not unique nor are his antics, car is actually in garage so not in view, can get to via connecting door and whilst said it was old, is 2006 so not ancient, also 320i diesel so not sure has rotor arm, bit complex under bonnet, but may try take away for supposed service say there are complications see if he forgets about it. I think not since whist his memory awful, three times today said going to see /phone mum, but has been dead since April. I always say she's in heaven dad, and I don,t know heavens tel no. not sure this is right but he seams to understand for a little while, Anyway took car for MOT last year had plumber friend working in house and dad told him all about car being MOT,d and that it had passed so seams to remember some things, hence fear of removing it. Any suggestions for entertainment for him when hates TV, so cinema/shows out doesn't do diy, gardening to cold in winter for him was thinking of indoor bowls??? not sure how to go about it.

[creativesarah]

indoor bowls sounds a good idea my experiences of bowls clubs is that they are full of lovely kind people (I'm sure you get the odd one who is a bit tricky!) I used to sell bowls equipment and clothing so visited lots of clubs and they even gave me some free lessons. I took to it like a duck to water but now that I cant drive I havnt pursued it, but if you could sort out the transport for him I'd say its wortha try

If we had a bowls club in our village I would be very keen to go, when I had my lessons the teacher was prepared to skip the waiting list to get me into the club as I was so good.

[LYN T]

. His wanting to get in the car is usually linked to a feeling that he needs to go to work, or a wish to visit his mother (long since deceased) - perhaps understanding where he wants to go in the car might be helpful in working out how to focus him on something else?[/QUOTE]

This is interesting. My husband is an ex teacher and every day he takes books of the shelves and places them on the dining table.He has 2 thousand + books. Today I had to replace 238 of them on to the book shelves!!!

[2TT charlie]

There are a lot of car shows on documentary channels at the moment, like Wheeler Dealers - people doing up classic cars to sell or hot-rodding or building custom bikes/cars. Might be worth seeing what's on dvd and if any of them might appeal to him. My father was in the RAF as a young man, so he spends a lot of time watching wartime documentaries and air show dvds - anything with aircraft flying. He can't follow a plot at all, so we can't watch fiction.

As for the 'old' 2006 diesel, other than disconnecting the battery, you'd have to take a garage's advice on a safe way to disable that as these modern cars (I have a 40yr old Triumph Herald in my garage) are much more complex and diesels don't have spark plugs, so no convenient bits to take out to disable. Depends how you think he might feel about a car that clearly doesn't work as opposed to one where the key is wrong because it doesn't turn. The advantage of modern cars is that there are also lots of electronic bits that can go wrong and 'need fixing'.

[alluette11]

Hello,

I have dealt with a very similar situation. Here is an idea that may work for you. If you disconnect the battery, then you can give him the keys. This will make him feel more in control and less upset. When he turns the ignition to check the car (with you present), he will believe that there is a mechanical problem with the car.

You can then have a "professional" mechanic come by (friend or someone you trust that he does not know or will not recognize), check the car and get it running, but then say it needs to be taken to the garage to get some work done. Make up the convincing reasoning.

From there, the car is out of sight but not quite out of mind. You can remind him from time to time that the car is getting worked on when he forgets and asks. You may from this point be able to maneuver a conversation to convince him that the car is no longer good and too expensive to fix, and would be better off selling it. Depending on his memory level, and how much he retains, will depend on whether or not you keep it at someones house for awhile until it's safe to sell, or keep it in case he becomes too agitated in the future and wants to see it. In my opinion, removing the car completely is the best option as it is a major trigger for him.

I have been successful at getting a a friend of mine to believe the best course of action is finally selling the car. It's takes some creative skill, but it is worth it since your main goal is for your loved one to be as happy and as safe as possible.

Hope this is helpful.