My FIL continues to decline

[SWMBO1950]

My husband and his mother were stopped by the the Deputy Senior Nurse as they left the unit where my FIL is being cared for. She commented on his decline, loss of weight, not eating very well etc and said should he become ill again (he was hospitalised with an infection earlier this year) would my MIL prefer him to go to hospital or stay and the unit. She said stay at the unit and my husband backed up this decision (as did his brothers when he reiterated the conversation).

We all however dont think my MIL understands the implications of him not being hospitalised as although he has a DNR she has resisted 'no medical interventions' despite his suffering (obviously does not want to see him leave her - although he left a long time ago in real terms). We have however agreed to leave things as they are and not expland on the situation to her.

My FIL is definately stage 7 with no quality of life at all apart from the fact he can breath unaided. He will enter his 12th year in care on 3rd January 2013.

I have put his name on the sick list at my church (I am a catholic by birth - lapsed - but old habits die hard) and I really hope God will intervene and end his suffering it is quite awful to witness

[FifiMo]

Hiya SWMBO,

Sorry to hear about your FIL continuing to decline like that. I think you are right about MIL and not pressing the issue about what needs to happen going forward. In my experience, despite what we say we want or don't want to happen, things get overtaken by events anyway and decisions start being made "in the moment". We said exactly the same as your family - no hospital - keep in her "home" where she knows you all. The night of her deterioration it was an agency nurse on duty who didn't know my mother and had never even seen her awake - so when she discovered her unresponsive she phoned for ambulance etc and mum ended up in hospital anyway! Having said that, the hospital staff were marvellous and there were more of them than there were at the care home and for you to keep at the back of your mind, the thing we found was mum had immediate access to drugs - something which she wouldn't have had at the care home as they would have had to call out a GP, get a prescription, file it - you name it. In the hosp - dr said they could help with breathing by giving injection - 2 secs later she'd had it and was more comfortable then. So even no medical intervention can be difficult if it means that the person can have a peaceful pain-free death just by giving an injection.

As sad as to say, I hope your FIL is pain-free and comfortable and that his suffering doesn't have to go on much longer.

Fiona

[SWMBO1950]

Thank you Fiona for your kind words x

Hiya SWMBO,

Sorry to hear about your FIL continuing to decline like that. I think you are right about MIL and not pressing the issue about what needs to happen going forward. In my experience, despite what we say we want or don't want to happen, things get overtaken by events anyway and decisions start being made "in the moment". We said exactly the same as your family - no hospital - keep in her "home" where she knows you all. The night of her deterioration it was an agency nurse on duty who didn't know my mother and had never even seen her awake - so when she discovered her unresponsive she phoned for ambulance etc and mum ended up in hospital anyway! Having said that, the hospital staff were marvellous and there were more of them than there were at the care home and for you to keep at the back of your mind, the thing we found was mum had immediate access to drugs - something which she wouldn't have had at the care home as they would have had to call out a GP, get a prescription, file it - you name it. In the hosp - dr said they could help with breathing by giving injection - 2 secs later she'd had it and was more comfortable then. So even no medical intervention can be difficult if it means that the person can have a peaceful pain-free death just by giving an injection.

As sad as to say, I hope your FIL is pain-free and comfortable and that his suffering doesn't have to go on much longer.

Fiona

[Margaret W]

I too am a catholic by birth. I lapsed in my teens, but rejoined when my childen were born. I lapsed again when they did, as young adults. But as you know "once a catholic, always a catholic" and I wouldn't hesitate to discuss your feelings with your priest if you think it would help. Modern-day priests are not like those from our childhood, they are in tune with reality and can offer a lot of help.

I will say a prayer for your FIL (what is his name?), though I am probably off God's radar these days. But you never know.

Love

Margaret

[Grannie G]

Twelve years in care is such a long time SWMBO. I also hope your FiL is pain free and unaware.

[SWMBO1950]

His name is Dave (David) and thank you. Unfortunately our current priest is like the priests of my childhood so I feel no affinity with him.

Your lapse, back when children were born, lapse again sounds just like me.

When people ask why I no longer go to church I always say it is because I cannot stand all those good Catholics. I dont need to be in church each week to live a Christian life I try very hard to do it in my own way.

Thank you again Margaret

I too am a catholic by birth. I lapsed in my teens, but rejoined when my childen were born. I lapsed again when they did, as young adults. But as you know "once a catholic, always a catholic" and I wouldn't hesitate to discuss your feelings with your priest if you think it would help. Modern-day priests are not like those from our childhood, they are in tune with reality and can offer a lot of help.

I will say a prayer for your FIL (what is his name?), though I am probably off God's radar these days. But you never know.

Love

Margaret

[SWMBO1950]

Thank you Grannie G & FifiMo) and yes 12 years is a long time indeed. We hope he is without pain but at this stage who can tell. He does occasionally have times when he absolutley sobs and I think it is moments of lucidity unfortunately but I hope I am wrong

Twelve years in care is such a long time SWMBO. I also hope your FiL is pain free and unaware.

[Grannie G]

He does occasionally have times when he absolutley sobs and I think it is moments of lucidity unfortunately but I hope I am wrong

Oh how awful for you. x

[Margaret W]

Hi again SWMBO1950

Well, if your priest is of the old school type, I wouldn't bother either. Like you say, you can go it alone and do just as well. As you are doing with your life.

Love and best wishes

Margaret

[SWMBO1950]

Thanks Margaret I appreciate your kind words xx

Hi again SWMBO1950

Well, if your priest is of the old school type, I wouldn't bother either. Like you say, you can go it alone and do just as well. As you are doing with your life.

Love and best wishes

Margaret

[damsel]

I'm so sorry you and the family are going through this worry and it's awful for FIL.
I hope you'll remember to just follow your heart, if there's a church of whatever faith that you feel like going into, you might find support and a warm welcome with none of stigma you sense in regard to the lapsed attendance.