cremation or burial?

[Witzend]

My mother, who was diagnosed with Alzheimers 2 years ago, just passed away; there were other factors such as pneumonia, but the Alzheimers meant she eventually gave up eating and swallowing, and sadly there seemed nothing that could be done to make her rally. She never said whether she wanted to be buried or cremated, and by the time she started seriously going down hill, of course it was too late to broach the subject.

I was initially very shocked, perhaps naively, at the costs involved in a funeral; but initially chose a basic cremation for £1865, unable to justify to myself and my family the extra £1000 or more for a burial. There will only be me, my wife and son, and perhaps one friend, and if I have a service at all, it may be a humanist one. My mother had no savings at the end and like it or not, we cannot afford to ignore cost, however mean that might sound, although we would find the money from somewhere if we had to. My mother was not religious, nor am I. I am now racked with doubt as to whether I have chosen the right option. Irrational as it may be, cremation seems so FINAL and brutal, and i will definitely be buried myself. Albeit that being in a wooden box under heaps of earth might be equally unpallitable to some, but at least there the body lies undisturbed apart from the contents of the soil, at least for 50 years. But this is for my mother really, and i have little time left to finalise the arrangements. Has anybody else been through such a dilemma? Statistics seem to show that most people in England are now cremated (75%?) Should i ignore the cost or should i do the "sensible thing" and go ahead with the cremation? Wish i could persuade myself of the latter!

If this teaches us one thing, it is that i guess we should all have a will with our last wishes, so those that survive us are not left with equally difficult decisions.....Feedback welcome....

If your mother never expressed a wish one way or the other, then it would seem that she didn't feel strongly about it. In that case it would seem sensible to go with cremation. It doesn't sound mean in the slightest to debate the extra £1000 - it's a lot of money that could benefit the living rather than the dead, and very likely that would be your mother's own thought, too, if she had been able to express it.

I know some people do like a grave to visit, but it's a very personal choice.

My fil died some years ago - he was totally unsentimental about what would happen to him after death. My OH was meaning for years to scatter him in the sea in Dorset off a particular rocky ledge where they swam a lot when OH was a kid, but he's never got around to it. As a result fil is still on a shelf in our dining room - alongside our dog and cat (had both over 14 years) - they were all best mates when alive - fil on sofa with a whisky, cat curled up at his side and dog curled up at his feet, so OH thinks they're all happy where they are.

[jimbo 111]

Hello jimbo 48 ( from another jimbo (111)
I think you have answered your own question
You say quite categorically that you wish to be buried ., and presumably your wife and son will be aware of your wishes .
It makes it difficult for you because your mother did not express a wish either way
But to me it seems your dilemma concerns the economics rather than the
ethical question I feel that ,bearing in mind your own wishes and your own feelings on burial , you will in the future be glad that you had your own mother buried in the way you wish to go
Many, many people have in the past, and I suppose will in the future make enormous sacrifices , and made themselves in debt to observe the wishes of
a family member , but in due course never regret that decision
I hope you can secure an economic burial
but based on your own beliefs I feel that your future memories will be happier if you follow those beliefs for your mother
My condolences to you and your family whatever you decide
jimbo 111

[fredsnail]

The crematorium where my Dad's ashes are is set in lovely grounds which are surrounded by countryside - we went up the morning after the service and the staff were so lovely and told us exactly where his ashes had been buried.

We also got an engraved curb on the grounds, and they have a book of rememberance that we put an entry for Dad into. It has a page for every date and they change the page every day.

It's very peaceful and we visit it regularly. My friend's father was also cremated and the undertaker owned a piece of woodland for any family who wished their loved ones ashes scattered there.

[oliver]

That is what I asked my daughter to do for me. Find somewhere beautiful, high with a lovely outlook. I love the countryside and actually look forward to that time when my spirit will ride the wind and I can go with it like a bird. Maybe I should be a little more specific for her, but then maybe that would be denying her the opportunity of showing me that last special act of love - It will give her peace. Then she will be kept busy for a while and later always have that special place to go to.

My nan was buried in a double plot in a huge cemetary in London which she had paid for when grandad died 40 years earlier. Mum's face that day when I heard her say to my dad "dad's down there" still haunts me. My son was cremated but his ashes placed in a small plot in the churchyard, he was a baby and the family made most of the arrangements that time. My dad, who loved tramping across the clifftops with the dog he loved was cremated. No one really knew what to do so I arranged for his ashes to be buried where he loved to walk, mum and I got a 'kissing gate' erected and the next year buried the dog's ashes alongside him. Dad was never religious and had not left instructions and mum was too grief stricken to make any decision. We often go to visit him.

Hope it helps
RM

iv lost my mum that did not speak about wishes,im thinking of cremation, my mum was 66 she only had dementia three yrs ago, and was on syringe driver over a month,im looking at some thread and still unsure.

[rjm]

Hi Oliver,

I'm sorry that your mum is gone. If she did not speak of her wishes then I'm sure she had confidence that you would do your best and she was happy to go along with that.

Best wishes as you make this decision,