To finally see some of what it was like caring for dad ....

[kingmidas1962]

just been in to see dad (he has a form of dementia called Picks Disease, and is 85) with mum (she's 84)

He has been in a care home for 8 weeks, from an initial 6 week respite stay that became a permanent placement. Up until now, when we have been in to see him he has been sitting quietly in his chair - sometimes responsive, sometimes not - but usually just sitting quietly watching TV or having a cup of tea. I have really seen none of the problems that mum coped with over the past 5 years - she shared very little of it with any of us and suffered a breakdown a few weekends ago. Following this she has opened up more and told me a lot more of what it had been like caring for him at home - how she coped for so long I've simply no idea.

Anyway, I'm going on and on as usual - what I was going to say is that today I saw just a tiny slice of what drove mum to such a desperate stage - when we got in he'd urinated in his chair - it was all down his legs, in his slippers - everywhere. We called a care assistant who very quickly and sympathetically changed him and cleaned his chair and carpet, and popped his clothes in the wash. He was very restless today and kept getting up and trying to walk back and forth to his chest of drawers and back - he couldn't tell us what he wanted .... I don't think he knew. He used to obsess about the handles on the cupboards at home all facing the same way and he seemed bothered by the fact that the drawers didn't line up. He can't walk at all without assistance but forgets that he can't - so he falls a lot.

I'm really only writing this for myself although I will show it to mum - I just want her to know what an extraordinary job she did in caring for him at home for SO long (too long?) and that it does confirm that he is in the right place - where he can readily get attention and is cared for.

It really, really upset me although I've been at home before when he's had 'accidents' but it really hit home today. dad is completely unfazed by it, because as soon as its happened - to him its forgotten.

Its that horrible 'I know we've done the right thing but its still awful' feeling. I think what I'm trying to say to carers is please not to try and 'cover' for your loved ones, although our instincts are always to protect them ....

To anyone who read this far - thank you for enduring my ramblings!

[chris53]

Hello Kingmidas, thank you for sharing this, I am not going to give advice of this post but just wanted to acknowledge it, and for the problems that your mum coped with and covered up I very much understand, my mum covered up and protected my dad for over 50 years, he had various mental health problems, so cruel that my mum was so strong but Alzheimer's decided to invade her life-how unfair

X

[Grannie G]

I also kept a lot from our son kingmidas, probably thinking like your mother, he had enough on his plate with his young family and stressful job.

When my husband went into the home my son and I agreed to visit separately, so we wouldn`t end up talking to each other. It has been since then he realised what I had lived with.

I suppose it`s what mothers do.

[kingmidas1962]

Yes, I think you're absolutely right - that is what mothers do. I'm sure I keep things from my daughter too. I just would have loved to have been able to relieve some of the pressure from mum's shoulders .... and I would have, so gladly, had I known ....

I also kept a lot from our son kingmidas, probably thinking like your mother, he had enough on his plate with his young family and stressful job.

When my husband went into the home my son and I agreed to visit separately, so we wouldn`t end up talking to each other. It has been since then he realised what I had lived with.

I suppose it`s what mothers do.

[jan1962]

Hi there,

just read your thread and understand completly. my FIL has cared for his wife for the last 4 years without help. it was not until he was admitted into hospital did we notice how bad my MIL was, she has AD/Vas DEem. he continued to care for her against all odds, until she became violent towards him hitting him with her walking stick, trying to poke his eyes out, threaten that she was going to knife him did i step in and say enough was enough.

people do not realise what goes on behind closed doors, (i didnt ) and i would like to say a big thank you to all unsung heros, who battle on to keep their loved ones at home and who try to protect their children from this sole destroying condition.

you mother is a saint in my eye and now deserves some time to regain her self esteem make sure that you show her that you love her and understand what has happend is ok


jan1962

ps sorry for the spelling as i am watching the Olympics. go team GB
l

[SWMBO1950]

Hi Kingmidas

I honestly believe people carry on regardless as they feel a failure if they dont, particularly if it is a spouse (My MIL did), which of course they are not!!

My FIL did all sorts of things before he went into care (he was lively to say the least) but the worst was not really sleeping for any longer than 15-20 mins at a time which in turn meant my MIL had to do the same. She was at breaking point prior to him going into care.

Your father probably urinated without any feeling of 'wanting to go'. With my mother it is the 'other thing' which in real terms is worse - certainly for clearing up! The bottom line is they cannot help it.

Our sensible side knows it is right to ask for help when we need it but our not so sensible side refuses to do it

Best Wishes

Ps: Jan1962 - what a night !!

[kingmidas1962]

Thanks so much, both of you ...

Hi there,

just read your thread and understand completly. my FIL has cared for his wife for the last 4 years without help. it was not until he was admitted into hospital did we notice how bad my MIL was, she has AD/Vas DEem. he continued to care for her against all odds, until she became violent towards him hitting him with her walking stick, trying to poke his eyes out, threaten that she was going to knife him did i step in and say enough was enough.

people do not realise what goes on behind closed doors, (i didnt ) and i would like to say a big thank you to all unsung heros, who battle on to keep their loved ones at home and who try to protect their children from this sole destroying condition.

you mother is a saint in my eye and now deserves some time to regain her self esteem make sure that you show her that you love her and understand what has happend is ok


jan1962

ps sorry for the spelling as i am watching the Olympics. go team GB
l

I continue to reassure my mum and tell her how brilliant she is (well, she IS!!) and what a fantastic job she did in caring for dad - but now its time for someone else to take over....

Hi Kingmidas

I honestly believe people carry on regardless as they feel a failure if they dont, particularly if it is a spouse (My MIL did), which of course they are not!!

My FIL did all sorts of things before he went into care (he was lively to say the least) but the worst was not really sleeping for any longer than 15-20 mins at a time which in turn meant my MIL had to do the same. She was at breaking point prior to him going into care.

Your father probably urinated without any feeling of 'wanting to go'. With my mother it is the 'other thing' which in real terms is worse - certainly for clearing up! The bottom line is they cannot help it.

Our sensible side knows it is right to ask for help when we need it but our not so sensible side refuses to do it

Best Wishes

Ps: Jan1962 - what a night !!

and yes, WHAT AN INCREDIBLE EVENING! Made me so proud to be British

[Izzy]

You must be a great support for you mum Kingmidas. Thinking of you both (and your dad). x