Step daughter

[Adela]

My husband and I have been married for nearly twenty years and it is a second marriage for both of us. He has always been a drinker but over time has developed into an alcoholic. That,together with mixed dementia has made him very hard to live with and because he takes risks,doesn't sense risk and gets mixed up over situations and forges so many things I tend to remind him and to organise his days.

This has gone on for nearly two years now and suddenly I was recently faced with his daughter telling me that she and other people" think that i am treating him badly by doing so. Since she lives miles away and only sees on a few times a year and I don't know which other people she could possibly know who know me I was taken aback and extremely annoyed.

When,on her last visit she did nothing but "console" my husbandf and be unacceptablt rude to me I decided that the only things to do would be to wipe her out of my life altogether. I spent years attempting to get on with her but always found her difficult and self absorbed. To insult me now when she can have no conception of the life I have to lead and the changes I have had to make because of her father's condition and to refuse to help me by having her father to stay for a week or two seems wicked to me - especially as I am recovering from treatment for cancer.

A daughter who won't help but criticises me for doing the best I can is not a person I want to know any more.

But is she partly right? I DO arrange his days and I do tell him to do things. What would happen if I didn't? I know he is unhappy about his situation and her aggression to me makes it all worse not better.

She won't know that I have decided to have no more to do with her and hasn't been in contact with him for around six weeks anyway. I can arrange to be out when she comes (without any risk for my husband). I will do that to protect myself from further stress. But am I harming my husband by avoiding his daughter.

[ggma]

Family relationships are something that seems to come up in many posts on TP, and there is never an easy answer. People who do not live with the devastating results of dementia day in and day out just do not realise what is going on. We all need someone to rely on and your husband is lucky to have you to sort things out for him.

Coping with the drink and dementia is an especially difficult thing to do, and there will be others who can advise you better than me.

Just wanted to say, I do not think it can harm your husband if you avoid his daughter, he may not even realise if his memory is not good, and just accept you going out.

From your point of view, I do not think you have been given much option, far better to avoid family agro, and keep your distance.

Look after yourself and keep posting, you will find support here.

[Adela]

replying to my own post - the point is that i would appreciate an outside opinion. Am I doing harm to my husband by making our shared relationship with his daughter impossible or am I right to write her off as I have done?.

I struggle to deal with the alcohol and the dementia and to be insulted for trying to do so are a bit more than I feel I can deal with. OR should I be stronger for his sake?

[Grannie G]

I don`t know the rights and wrongs in this kind of situation Adela but I do know I would not take kindly to criticism of my life as a carer from someone who is not prepared to roll their sleeves up and help.

[ggma]

My personal view is that in your position, I would do the same as you.

In the past when a 'in law relative' upset me, I avoided her for a long time, it did not stop others having a relationship with her, but she was very hurtful and I did not see why I should put myself in the firing line everytime the family met.

Others will advise how they would manage the situation, but in the end you are living day to day in a difficult and demanding situation, and you do not need to add to your stress levels and be spoken to in such a way in your own home, it is your decision and you can control it as you wish.

[Jenijill]

I wouldn't think you are doing any harm to your husband by avoiding his daughter, would he realise anyway? If she only makes contact very infrequently, then at least most of the tme you don't have to think about her. Step daughters can be difficult, especially if they've had a close relationship with their fathers, but it doesn't sound as if that's the case here. You know you are doing the right thing by your husband, so don't let anyone tell your differently! By all means, go out when she is visiting, take it as respite and do something for yourself, you deserve it!

[rajahh]

I too have been maried for just over 20 years, it is our second marriage and I have step daughter.

The difference is that my step daughter is quite happy for me to do everything, she just likes to come visit once a fortnight or so ( she lives 15 minutes walk away)
She never offers to let me go out for a special eveing etc. she just assues I will do everything.

Many times when she comes I just disappear, I go out and stay out for a couple of hours. I don't ask her if I can I just go.

I too organise my husband, remind him of what he should be doing etc. This is what happens, and for her to criticise you in this way is not acceptable.

As others have said if someone is not prepared to " roll their sleeves up" then they should keep their mouths shut.

I do not think your husand will suffer in anyway if you go out when she visits, he probably will not notice.

Jeannette

[lin1]

Hello Adela
I agree with enery one who has replied so far
esp Sylvia (grannie g)
Its possible his daughter is under the impression that dementia is only to do with becoming rather forgetful and nothing else and pracice will preserve it ( I wish)
Its true that only those of us who are up close with this horrid illnes know the real truth

it seems to me that she is like a lot of invisibles(as we call them here) seem to enjoy picking holes, complaining that we are doing most, if not everything wrong that they know best

I found like many others on here that their came a stage when my mum needed routine
I ended up organising everything , what and when mum ate, drank, washing toileting, what she could hear (mum was nearly blind)on tv and radio
you name it I did it

As to your question
No I do not think it would harm your husband if you protected yourself from her, going for a rest in another room, getting on with that pile of ironing , I would go out too sometimes if you feel she could cope , their again it might do her some good if she had to cope

[littlegem]

My hubby's sister said I was neglecting hubby and treating him like 'a puppet'.
His family have no idea of what VasD involves. I send them all the info I can but don't think they read it, they don't want to admit how bad he is.
He has another TIA last week and his sister was asking him how he's coping with their Mum's death 2 months ago.... The poor man can hardly find the loo let alone think that far back.
In my opinion you are doing the right thing about step daughter, she is a problem you do not need.
Re the alcohol, is he still able to get it himself or not, if not try watering it down, I use flavoured water in hubbys wine, he's not said anything yet.
take care

[SWMBO1950]

Oh grannie G got it in one and I'm there with you!!

I don`t know the rights and wrongs in this kind of situation Adela but I do know I would not take kindly to criticism of my life as a carer from someone who is not prepared to roll their sleeves up and help.

[Delphie]

I agree with the others.

Look after your husband and look after yourself. Don't worry about looking after relationships which add nothing to the situation apart from stress. Your husband is unlikely to notice if you take yourself off. The only concern is that your stepdaughter might make an issue of it in your absence but you've enough on your plate so don't worry about that unless it happens.

You definitely won't be harming him by not being around to listen his daughter's criticisms. It'll probably be better for him if you manage to control this so that you're happier and in a better frame of mind to deal with all the day to day issues you have to face.

[Isabella41]

Hi Adela

I have a simlilar problem but its with my own 2 daughters. They are very quick to criticise and accuse me of being horrible to their grandmother as they both seem to refuse to believe that mum has dementia. One girl lives locally and does visit every week but does not do anything practical to help. The other girl lives in England and is even more vocal in her critisism. She believes every story mum tells her.

I took the decision a few weeks ago to stop all contact with my daughters as it was more stress than I could deal with. Its hard enough caring for a parent with dementia when you have supportive family to help but its doubly hard when the very people you'd think would help are actually going the other way.

I think that you aren't doing anyone any harm by distancing yourself from your step daughter. Its not as if you are actively telling your husband you want nothing more to do with this girl. It may just lower your stress levels to take one element out of the mix that you can.

Isabella

[Chemmy]

I don't think I'd make an issue of it as that'll just give her ammunition to use in evidence against you when talking to your husband or to others - however, next time she comes, why not just say "Lovely to see you - hope you don't mind if I just pop out for a bit (to XYZ if you feel you need to be more specific) - what time do you need me to be back?"

Let her spend time alone with her dad and see what it's really like, 1:1. Does he need help going to the loo yet? That'd open her eyes in more ways than one...

I doubt if it'll have any effect on your husband, even if she bad-mouths you behind your back - presumably he'll have forgotten her visit soon afterwards?

Good luck and keep posting

[bemused1]

I also have been married for 20 years and have an alcoholic husband and no you are not wrong trying to keep him from harm. The combination is awful to live with and you have to do the best you can to keep him safe.

I too have a stepdaughter but I get on with her reasonably well. She doesn't in any way interfere since she knows perfectly well she would never cope with what I have to.My opinion is, take no notice of what other people who are not prepared tp help say. Only you know what needs to be done. I seriously doubt whether your husband will be harmed if you find you need to be elsewhere when she calls. If he is unhappy about the siuation it is more likely because drinkers want to be in control but can't actually function when its coupled with dementia.

I wish you luck, it really is a horrendous situation to have to deal with. But don't let the daughter make your life harder and don't worry about control. Sadly drinkers will determine their own path unless they really want to stop but they won't be happy doing it. Its not your fault.

[zeeeb]

I think the best thing you could possibly do in this situation is exactly what you said, arrange to be out when she comes. and if she decides to stay over for a night or a weekend, you stay away. There is no need for you to feel undue pressure from her, because almost everyone on this website understand the pressure you are under day in day out trying to look after your husband. she can think what she likes, but until she decides to walk a mile or 2 in your boots, quite frankly, she has no right to criticise you. If he is an alcaholic, he finds himself in an extremely fortunate position where you are prepared to stick around and help him. And we all know that anyone with dementia needs to be told, reminded, and reminded again a thousand times to do every little thing, from eating, drinking, toileting and showering to doctors appointments, hair cuts, birthdays, paying bills, the lot. So, if you weren't telling him everything that needed to be done, i guess you wouldn't be doing your job, and alot of things would be falling well and truly apart.

Remember to take care of you as well, you deserve it, and you are doing a great job!