Just when you think you have all bases covered...

[ggma]

Just want to echo what others have said, and well done, you have certainly been on a journey that has been an emotional rollercoaster, with the added complication of your own health worries, but you have shown that you have an inner strength that has helped you. I hope that you can have some time for yourself and OH in the near future, and that things stay calmer.

[optocarol]

Same from me Isabella, still thinking of you. Glad you're having some peace due to the lost phone! Seems like daughters haven't phoned her either, unless she didn't hear it.

[Isabella41]

The phone has turned up!! Amazingly I didn't get an apology when she realised I didn't take it.

Another 'player' has now entered the field in the shape of my late father's brother who lives in America. He rang me yesterday. I've never had much to do with this man. In fact the last time I spoke to him was at Daddy's funeral 6 years ago so I was a bit surprised to hear his voice. He's back home visiting and had made the effort to call and see mum which was nice of him.

He was quite measured in his tone so I decided to play along. I answered his questions as briefly and with as little detail as possible. I was actually thinking "what business of yours is all this" but held off actually saying it. I told him quite calmly that while I understood his concerns for mum he also needed to see that she would not be recieving the level of care she is recieving unless the professionals involved deemed it nescessary. He actually had the audacity to question if mum had an official diagnosis!! He said dementia was such a vague word and was there not a more specfic diagnosis. He wanted to know what professionals were involved with mum. I gave him the list and again reminded him that it was all well and good for those on the outside to stand and point fingers but that it was me on the ground doing the best I can with the circumstances I find myself in. It felt like he didn't believe there was much wrong with mother and that I was forcing her to live somewhere she doesn't want to be. Mum recognised my uncle's wife so therefore she is ok was his rationale. I pointed out he's been married to Sarah since the 1970's so this is an 'old' memory whereas when I mentioned to mum that Dorothy one of her neighbours from her original flat that she moved from in March was asking about her she didn't know who I was talking about. Dorothy is a new memory. He seemed to get this.

I am so fed up with interfering people who with a little knowledge think they can step in and do better. I said to my uncle that if there was someone willing to take over managment of mum's day to day affairs back down south she could move (I was hopnig he'd take the bait as I was hinting at my other uncle who lives there doing this). He said it was unfortunate there was no one.

I also thought I'd play peacemaker and try to see if I could get Louise to change her mind on the wedding thing. Her final offer was that I could go to the wedding but not as mother of the bride - only as a guest. I wasn't invited to the meal so need to amuse myself for the afternoon and I can then join the evening party with all the other non immediate family members. I've asked her repeatedly what it is she wants from me to sort everything out but she won't give me a clear answer. She was going on about how I am not being honest with mum in that I allow her to make plans to move and then cancel the plans behind her back. This tells me that mum is still very obviously ringing Louise and complaining much. I was quite firm in telling Louise that I had told mum plainly she was not moving and that I would block her every step of the way so I was dumbfounded as to how this was me not being clear.

No matter how much I ask Louise to tell me in plain and simple language what she wants to move forward I cannot get her to that point. Its as if she has dug herself a hole and doesn't know how to get out. Intstead of saying "you know what mum we've both been wrong, lets draw a line under it and move on" she seems determined to play this out for as long as she can. I can't see what good it will do. Everyone says things and does things that with hindsight they wished they hadn't. I'm no different but while I have apologised Louise has not ever once said sorry for anything. She doesn't do backing down. I can't see an end to this all at the minute. I have however refused to be beaten back into the 'yes' woman I was all those months ago.

Isabella

[Chemmy]

Hi Isabella

What are your views on this latest version of the wedding invitation? I think you know what we'll all say but this is a decision you really need to make for yourself.

None of us can fully appreciate how much all of this must hurt.

[jeany123]

Oh Isabella that is so sad, Did she not ask your husband to give her away ?

[Isabella41]

Hi Chemmy

I'm really hurt to be very honest. I'm wondering her motives. It would look to the groom's family and other guests like I am there so no arkward questions but I am not valued enough to be allowed to attend the meal. She is having quite a large number at the wedding then a meal for immediate family and then everyone and anyone at the evening party. We go round and round with me saying to her "can you specifically tell me what it is you want from me to put this all right" and her replying "you should know". Obviously if I knew I wouldn't be asking!! I'm so sick of it all. I can't do right for doing wrong and I find myself watching and rereading every word to try to make sure it can't be misconstrued - it invaribly is!!

I just can't seem to win.
Isabella

[PeggySmith]

Isabella, correct me if I'm wrong about this but I thought you said some time ago that her father wasn't invited to Louisa's wedding. How sad that she's doing this to herself.

[Chemmy]

I think she's trying to force you into back into your old submissive role; what a cruel thing to do.


I suppose one compromise is that you go to the actual ceremony and see her married and then discreetly take your leave, without an explanation. Leave her to explain to the rest of the party why you're not there. The risk is that if you're a 'no-show' at the whole event, she can spread all kind of stories behind your back. You could also make a point of graciously saying hello to her parents-in-law so they realise there's no bad feeling on your part. If she behaves badly towards you, trust me, it will be noted. MIL's are very observant.

I don't think I could bring myself to turn up at the evening do, pretending all was well. I'd happily give most wedding evening dos a miss anyway

[Dazmum]

Quite honestly Isabella, words fail me on this latest version of the wedding invitation. xxx

[Chemmy]

Quite honestly Isabella, words fail me on this latest version of the wedding invitation. xxx

It's actually a quite deliberate insult, isn't it? However nicely you try and wrap it up, it must feel like slap in the face. If I was John, I'd be incandescent with rage on your behalf, Isabella. What's his advice?

[Kathphlox]

They can't actually stop you from attending the wedding, unless it's in a private building with a guard on the door checking invites.. most weddings take place in church and it's an open service. That's why they ask the congregation if anyone has any reason that they should not be joined together.

If you go to the ceremony, it would prevent her from putting whatever slant on the reasons for this situation and you can mingle with the other guests (some of which you will know) while they are having the pics taken

I would not go to the evening do at all and spend the money you would have spent on a present on a treat for yourself, like a nice meal at a good restaurant.

But that's just me, call me elephant brain if you like, but a relative of mine really upset me privately and I blanked her for 25 years. In my eyes this is worse and in public. You deserve better than this Isabella

My mother actually tried it on with me a few years ago over my son and his partner splitting up, so I told her if she wanted to lose her grandson, that's what would happen, but I was not prepared to lose my son. She soon came around when sense kicked in.

[Onlyme]

If I knew of a groom getting married to a woman who didn't have her Mum/Dad/Step family there I would start asking questions about the woman not her family. I think it will reflex very dadly on her.

How about sending a telegram for the Best Man to read out.

[Norfolkgirl]

Oh Isabella, your stories are actually making me cry! It is so heartbreaking!

Read my thread "Does anyone think that vulnerable people should be protected from financial abuse" as this is related to what you're going through too in connection with SW not being able to protect your mum if she is deemed as having mental capacity but yet if your mother was left to her own devices in moving, it could be catastrophic. What on earth are families for then if they can't protect their own?

It is people like you I need to hear from to get support to have the law changed.

[Chemmy]

If I knew of a groom getting married to a woman who didn't have her Mum/Dad/Step family there I would start asking questions about the woman not her family. I think it will reflex very badly on her.

My son's future SIL is a control freak as well as a tactless bossyboots and I can't tell you the bad reputation she's got on the fiance's side of the family.

I've never set eyes on the girl but her reputation precedes her.

[Dazmum]

I just wouldn't want to go at all with those conditions attached, it is insulting, rude and heartless, and yes Isabella, you are worth so very much more. I would hate for you to be put in a situation where you might have to explain to others why you weren't going to the reception but were allowed to go to the evening do, you might be able to put a few people straight, but why would you want to spend your time doing that, it wouldn't be fun for you or John. I'd do as others suggest and take yourselves away, do as Kathphlox suggests and treat yourselves.

Ooooh I'm so on your behalf.