Coping with hate and rejection

[Trats]

How do we cope with the hate, anger and rejection of the person with dementia. My mother has lewy body dementia, and we have just had to put her into a care home, she was in supported housing previously. Her dementia makes her see and believe things that aren't there and now she says she hates me and never wants to see me again. People tell me not to take it personally, which is easier to say, I am not made of steel.

Trats

[kassy]

Welcome to TP.

My mum had Alzheimers/lewy body dementia.Mum didn't like me before her dementia,but with it she was vile to me.Many times i wanted to walk away from her,she'd say the most dreadful things to me,but as her dementia progressed she seemed to realise i loved her,no matter how she treated me.She changed into a sweet,vulnerable lady.

It is very hard to deal with,i do understand how you are feeling.

[Big Effort]

Hi Trats,
I too am feeling tearful today for just the same reason. Mum is losing the plot in everything, and she can justify why the world is going beserk: me. She has a hole in her pocket, that she has asked me continuously to repair, but I refuse to. Yep, sounds just like mean old me! This morning I gave her cherries so beautiful they were worthy of a photo and a luscious peach..... she "won't eat any more of those things as they go straight through me" (this said by a confirmed fruit-aholic). Life is bad and I am at the root of it.

Very, very hard to bear, Trats. I sympathise.

And if one more person tells me it is the illness and not the person, I will get more upset. I hate the illness and it has stolen/hijacked my beloved person. Where, oh where is Mum?

If it helps, I am crying inside. Next stop is to put her into a home and that, I know, will end our relationship. The one thing she holds sacred is staying at home. Three years, and just two days away from home for me, and this is what that commitment boils down to: someone who thinks I am negligent and evil, and soon the proof will be in her hands as I sign her into a home.

Can't bear it. That is the truth from my perspective.
Ohh.....booo....hoooo..... Big Effort sends you hugs and just in case you haven't been told: "Remember it's the disease and not the person!" Now, I am sure this will make you feel better.

Rant over! Be well my dear

[FifiMo]

Trats,

Sorry to hear about how you're being treated by your mum. Can you not have a word with the care home staff and explain what is happening and ask for their help in supporting you when you visit your mum. The staff will be able to tell you whether your mum is playing up when you are there and whether she is a different person when you're not around, for example. You will see posts from lots of people on here where this is exactly what happens and the care home staff say that their relatives are happy and contented as soon as they walk out the door!!! They might suggest that you don't visit for a while to let your mum settle in and get used to her new surroundings and then gradually re-introduce your visits.

Yes, as Big Effort says, it is the illness but we're not super-human and we all have our limitations as to what we can cope with. Whilst your mum is going through this phase I feel it will be a case of finding the balance of what you can cope with versus not starting yourself on a guilt trip because you feel you're not visiting her as often as you should! The care home staff can help you with this and can give you feedback to reassure you that your mum is just fine in between your visits.

Fiona

[SWMBO1950]

I am really sorry to read your post. I have no experience of this type of behaviour other than my mother slagging me off on the telephone to my sister in Australia (I overheard her doing it when she did not know I was there) which in itself is hurtful to say the least. She says nothing to me direct, but then of course it is me that looks after her every need!

Everyone is right it is the disease which I know does not make it any easier but hopefully this will be one of the many phases and it will pass.

I hope sharing your hurt here has helped.

Best wishes.

[Butter]

It is very hard for everyone - my husband now tells me he would leave me if he could ......

[SWMBO1950]

Oh Butter that must be very hard to ignore - my heart goes out to you xx

It is very hard for everyone - my husband now tells me he would leave me if he could ......

[jan.s]

It is very hard for everyone - my husband now tells me he would leave me if he could ......

Butter, sending you a hug.

Jan xx

[jan.s]

Trats

I am so sorry to hear about how you're feeling. It is very difficult to hear such nasty comments, but try to remember it's the illness not your mum. During a lucid moment, your mum would be horrified at the way she is behaving.

I can only sympathise and send you a hug.

Jan x

[jaymor]

My husband was taken into an assessment centre and when he realised he was not there for just a chat he became really awful. He pulled his wedding ring off (first time in 46 years) and threw it cross the room demanding a divorce. He said the house could burn down for all he cared. I was really upset but was not going to show him. It is hard to ignore these outbursts and I have had many, I cope by thinking they are just words and today I am spanish so don't understand a word he is saying. Tomorrow I might be chinese, depends what his mood is like.
Jay