Advice for a newbie

[KateP]

My mum is 87 and previously lived in a development for the over fifties. We moved when my husband retired last year and we asked her what she wanted to do:stay where she was and we would visit and support her; find somewhere similar near to us or for us to find a house with an annexe -she chose the latter.
We spent a lot of time making sure that this was what she wanted and bought a house with a downstairs flat. We didn't realise quite how bad she was and we are in the process of getting her assessed but she denies that there is a problem. She has never been an easy woman and has become even more mean spirited and unpleasant. We have been doing our best but nothing is right and she is getting more unpleasant by the day -verbally abusive to both of us. We can no longer visit our friends so they are coming to see us and when we told her this she went mad and raged at us saying she had always hated them.

She says she is very unhappy and wants to move out - I'm not sure if she will be able to cope. I do all the cooking, cleaning, washing & ironing and would continue. Although it would be great for both of us I don't know if she would be able to cope.

Suggestions/comments welcomed

[Butter]

This is painful and difficult. I think all you can do is exactly what you are doing: you understand that her behaviour is a symptom of her illness and you are seeking help from outside.
I would try to speed up the arrival of more help, assessment and treatment although it is not easy to do so.
And reassure yourselves that you are doing all the right things. My husband is all the things that you describe - and it is so hard to go on remembering he is not well. Sometimes I just get very angry and hurt. Especially when he says he wants to leave me.

[LadyA]

Don't have much in the way of advice at the moment - distracted by husband jabbering on about "the Italians" and their plots! Have no idea what that's about!

Butter is right - you are doing what you can, but you must get outside help asap. Hopefully as your mum's dementia progresses, she will become more amenable. My husband used to be a right bully too - but now he's very pleasant.

[Big Effort]

Hi there KateP,
While I am new to the forum, I totally relate to what you have to say.
We moved to France four years ago. Within months neighbours of my Mum phoned to say she could not live alone and would we take her in. She came here, adapted very happily, and soon had trouble finding words, then concepts and so on. Our lives have become very small here, I cannot work as I need to look after her, yet I cannot afford not to have an income. We have not progressed with learning French as fast as we would have liked because everything has to be done through English to include her, so we watch TV in English, radio is in English, and if we go out it is to see people who speak English.

Recently she has become quite paranoid, suspecting me of the worst, not satisfied - basically I think she knows something serious is wrong with her, but denial and determination to carry on as normal is her stance. It is so sad for me to see this brilliant woman loosing herself to brain decay - and find her hating me for it. She is also increasingly unhappy and threatens to go off and live with friends. I want her to be happy, but despite doing everything I can, happiness seems to receed further and further into the distance.

We are working on the home option, and this is painful too. She will never forgive me. I was interested in the reaction of French social workers..... they were so understanding and sympathetic of me and my family, they are smoothing the way into a home, something they see as normal and inevitable in an individual with Alzheimers who has such a strong character.

You are doing your best. It is unlikely that your best is enough. Still I give you 100% for trying. Well done to your husband too. Mine has nursed first my Dad and now my Mum. I think he is an angel.

[KateP]

Hi there

I totally relate to the paranoia - mum is convinced that someone has been in her bathroom using her shower. A man has stolen her bank statements etc.

Sorry to hear that you are joining me in the " evil daughter" spot -mostly she hates me and can't be nasty enough to me. I am regularly told that I have been evil since I was four and nobody liked me least of all her and i' m the reason they didn't have any more children!

Can't say though that i'nm seeing a brilliant brain decay - she has always been "legally blonde" and rather dim so the dementia means that communication can be very difficult.

I know what you mean about your world shrinking though -we used to travel a lot and stay with friends -now virtually impossible.

I think we both need to remember that we are entitled to lives too. And try to reclaim them before it's too late. My husband who is ten years older than me fears she will outlive him and that we will have no time to enjoy our own retirement! Mum is 7 st, 4'11" and physically as fit as a flea!

Glad to hear that the French are more enlightened about dementia.

Look after yourself!

Best wishes

Kate
Recently she has become quite paranoid, suspecting me of the worst, not satisfied - basically I think she knows something serious is wrong with her, but denial and determination to carry on as normal is her stance. It is so sad for me to see this brilliant woman loosing herself to brain decay - and find her hating me for it. She is also increasingly unhappy and threatens to go off and live with friends. I want her to be happy, but despite doing everything I can, happiness seems to receed further and further into the distance.

We are working on the home option, and this is painful too. She will never forgive me. I was interested in the reaction of French social workers..... they were so understanding and sympathetic of me and my family, they are smoothing the way into a home, something they see as normal and inevitable in an individual with Alzheimers who has such a strong character.

You are doing your best. It is unlikely that your best is enough. Still I give you 100% for trying. Well done to your husband too. Mine has nursed first my Dad and now my Mum. I think he is an angel.[/QUOTE]

[Big Effort]

Ahhh, Kate.
I understand you.
Also I have a feeling that the whole Alzheimer experience may well be very different here in France to what I am used to in the UK/Irl space.
Two interesting things happened today. I went to see the home where we are considering placing my Mum, and by coincidence I came across the social worker who evaluated us (Mum and me) last week. The first thing she asked me was "How are you?", not at all what I expected, as I thought they would be concerned primarily about Mum. Yes, I get the feeling that French social workers and nurses see the effect Alzheimers has on family.
Regarding your husband fearing he won't outlive the mother-in-law, well, my son called me in great alarm saying he was totally worried about me as an Alzheimers carer, he told me he had been speaking to someone who works in an Alzheimers Specialised Home. She just loves her job, says the patients are very well cared for in the home, and said to warn me that 85% of carers die before the patient they are caring for. Don't know how true the statistic is, but her message was to get these people into homes well before we reach burnout.

I am trying to deal with the idea of committing my mother to permanent care - care by others. It is a big concept and would fundamentally alter my life. For the better. And that is what scares me.

I read a rule of personal wellbeing in a book about cognitive behavioral therapy. It said we must learn to put ourselves first. Many people do this, and many of us carers stretch ourselves far too thin and put up with too much. Put myself first??? If I were to do this, it is clear what action I should take. And my life would be full of potential. Right now I see little potential for me.

Take care Kate, and give that brave, caring husband of yours a big hug.

[KateP]

Thanks for your post. The carer stats may not be accurate but you could understand it!

I think that you need ton reclaim your life - as someone said to me once " your mother has had her go - it's yours now - don't waste it and don't regret putting her in a home. Would she really want you to sacrifice your life if she was lucid? And even if she did is it reasonable?

We had a dreadful scene when I told Mum we had some friends coming to stay - we've been friends since uni so more than 30 years but Mum has never liked them - based on nothing. She told me I should never have invited them as she doesn't like them and that my husband shouldn't interfere when he pointed out that it was our house and we would invite who we liked. He also told her that she could always spend more time in her flat if she wanted to avoid them. She then got very abusive so he told her to go downstairs. It was very stressful and like watching a boil burst - real fury on her part. This morning it was all pleasant but who knows -it's like playing Russian Roulette!

She's asleep now so at least it is briefly peaceful !

Look after yourself

Best,

Kate

[frazzled1]

My mum is 87 and previously lived in a development for the over fifties. We moved when my husband retired last year and we asked her what she wanted to do:stay where she was and we would visit and support her; find somewhere similar near to us or for us to find a house with an annexe -she chose the latter.
We spent a lot of time making sure that this was what she wanted and bought a house with a downstairs flat. We didn't realise quite how bad she was and we are in the process of getting her assessed but she denies that there is a problem. She has never been an easy woman and has become even more mean spirited and unpleasant. We have been doing our best but nothing is right and she is getting more unpleasant by the day -verbally abusive to both of us. We can no longer visit our friends so they are coming to see us and when we told her this she went mad and raged at us saying she had always hated them.

She says she is very unhappy and wants to move out - I'm not sure if she will be able to cope. I do all the cooking, cleaning, washing & ironing and would continue. Although it would be great for both of us I don't know if she would be able to cope.

Suggestions/comments welcomed

Hi Kate P,

If you have a spare room in your house as well as the annexe have you considered a live in help and her living in the annexe? You would then have an extra pair of hands to help all the time and the total peace of mind that comes from that. Also someone new to diffuse any potentially aggressive situations as she may not be so aggressive in front of the 3rd party who could be someone with a specialist training in dementia.


I have found people to interview through THE LADY magazine. I wish you lots of happiness with your chosen person should you decide also to go down this route.