Moving closer to family for support

[small]

I'm feeling so needy a lot of the time now. I think I'm a bit of a wimp really, but I can't cope with John for much longer on my own.

He's going through a bad stage at mo. We now have very good and loving periods, followed without warning by the opposite.

My analysis is that because he is so much more confused by just about everything now he needs a fall guy to blame it all on. and guess who that is.

There is another factor. I've noticed more and more lately that I can't even keep up with a semblance of my normal life here. I have to make arrangements every time I go out to try and make sure he eats - not usually effective, he often calls me several times when I'm out and I can't help getting pre occupied over him or rushing back. I dread telling him I'm going out and he holds me up for ages with spurious questions before I go. He dissects, contradicts, interrupts or moans abouts about everything I say so I limit myself to the essentials -very boring and unsatisfactory for both of us.

Added to that e wont or cant help out with the chores now - even down to making me a cup of tea when I,m desperate. I feel exhausted most of the time being mentally and physically frazzled.

Since practising more of the 'compassionate communication' I and his carer cut out a lot of the conflict on which he seems to thrive so much.It was such a success we were **** a hoop. Now however his behaviour has been so obnoxious he's managed to reduce both of us to tears several times a day.

It just coincided with both my sister and friend going away, I longed to be able to go round to someone to let off steam. I ended up going to a friends house while she was at work just to sit with my new puppy and calm down! So my daydreams of moving back to my family home town are getting stronger all the time.

I've already picked out some houses for sale near 3 of my sisters and several nieces, nephews etc - in fact one is right next door to my family home!

I know it would be a massive change in life style and may not be as helpful as I hope. I just know I can't carry on much longer and need help, lots of it and right at hand.

I can 'just' about afford to keep our own house for a while so I can move one foot at a time as it were. Test my toe in the water first - seems like a no brainer. Or maybe just no-hoper.

I've just got a puppy and she is an absolute joy and has become the receptacle for all the thingsI can't say to John! I was hoping she could help soften him up a bit but dreadfully predictably she seems to have had the opposite effect. He loves her but is jealous of the attention she gets. You could have written the script! I've just lost the rest of my draft. Don't know where its gone - possibly the computers way of telling me to stop whining. Hope I've not bored you all, but if anyone has any helpful tips for how to stiffen the upper lip and get on with it I'd be grateful - Ive already signed up for yoga, but John wont join and just goes on about how 'dangerous' untrained instructors are! and its just one more thing for him to moan about.

Thank God for Talking point.

Have a nice Sunday evryone

xxx Jacky

[SWMBO1950]

Hi Small

Your post makes sad but not unusual reading.

We all go through stages where we could just scream (most of us do it on here). I always liken it to being on the Big Dipper at Blackpool - up and down

On the rare occasion my mother makes tea she will either put two tea bags in the cup or drink it without taking the tea bag out at all - yuck.

I think he is probably unable and not unwilling to comprehend about the jobs that need doing. My mother has no empathy at all now. I seriously think I could go around to her flat with my left leg hanging off and she would just look or say ummmmmmmmmmm.

I cannot do anything without putting her needs first as she is incapable of thinking for herself. She does however cope well when everything is in place. She was never like this before dementia. I retired 2 years ago for a quieter life - yea right !

I learnt after my father had died (he had dementia but I did not recognise it - I have so much more knowledge about the subject now) that arguing gets you no where just agree or change the subject

You go to yoga and enjoy it - ignore the negative comments as he cannot help it - its the disease talking - always remember that.

Your puppy sounds lovely (I am quite jealous) and I am sure she will be a great source of company and comfort along the way.

Your daydreams of moving back to be nearer your family dont have to be daydreams. Speak to your family urgently and enlist their help to realise the move. I am sure they will be glad to give input and backup.

Give the puppy a hug for me and let us know how things are going. Best Wishes

I'm feeling so needy a lot of the time now. I think I'm a bit of a wimp really, but I can't cope with John for much longer on my own.

He's going through a bad stage at mo. We now have very good and loving periods, followed without warning by the opposite.

My analysis is that because he is so much more confused by just about everything now he needs a fall guy to blame it all on. and guess who that is.

There is another factor. I've noticed more and more lately that I can't even keep up with a semblance of my normal life here. I have to make arrangements every time I go out to try and make sure he eats - not usually effective, he often calls me several times when I'm out and I can't help getting pre occupied over him or rushing back. I dread telling him I'm going out and he holds me up for ages with spurious questions before I go. He dissects, contradicts, interrupts or moans abouts about everything I say so I limit myself to the essentials -very boring and unsatisfactory for both of us.

Added to that e wont or cant help out with the chores now - even down to making me a cup of tea when I,m desperate. I feel exhausted most of the time being mentally and physically frazzled.

Since practising more of the 'compassionate communication' I and his carer cut out a lot of the conflict on which he seems to thrive so much.It was such a success we were **** a hoop. Now however his behaviour has been so obnoxious he's managed to reduce both of us to tears several times a day.

It just coincided with both my sister and friend going away, I longed to be able to go round to someone to let off steam. I ended up going to a friends house while she was at work just to sit with my new puppy and calm down! So my daydreams of moving back to my family home town are getting stronger all the time.

I've already picked out some houses for sale near 3 of my sisters and several nieces, nephews etc - in fact one is right next door to my family home!

I know it would be a massive change in life style and may not be as helpful as I hope. I just know I can't carry on much longer and need help, lots of it and right at hand.

I can 'just' about afford to keep our own house for a while so I can move one foot at a time as it were. Test my toe in the water first - seems like a no brainer. Or maybe just no-hoper.

I've just got a puppy and she is an absolute joy and has become the receptacle for all the thingsI can't say to John! I was hoping she could help soften him up a bit but dreadfully predictably she seems to have had the opposite effect. He loves her but is jealous of the attention she gets. You could have written the script! I've just lost the rest of my draft. Don't know where its gone - possibly the computers way of telling me to stop whining. Hope I've not bored you all, but if anyone has any helpful tips for how to stiffen the upper lip and get on with it I'd be grateful - Ive already signed up for yoga, but John wont join and just goes on about how 'dangerous' untrained instructors are! and its just one more thing for him to moan about.

Thank God for Talking point.

Have a nice Sunday evryone

xxx Jacky

[Christin]

Hello Small, I am so sorry to read your post, not boring at all and I hope it helped you to write it down.

Your post does remind me of much of the behaviour my FIL displayed. I would come home from work in my lunch hour because he wouldn't make a cup of tea. I left ready made tea in a flask but he wouldn't pour it. I later discovered that he had forgotten how to do it, he had no idea. The reality of it all affected me most when he asked me to get him some cheese because he could not remember where the fridge was. Also the questions, he questioned me far more than my OH did.

In my own opinion, I don't think you should just get on with it. There is help and I don't think any one should be unwilling to ask for it. Have you had a carers' assessment? Along with TP this was the thing that helped us.

This AS factsheet to Community Care Assessments has some info on assessments for carers.

Have you tried your local Alzheimers Society to see if there are group events that you might be able to attend together. Sorry if you have tried this, and I have missed your posts.

This is the link to Local Information

I really hope that everything goes well if you do decide to move nearer to your relatives. Also enjoy your little puppy, are you able to walk him? Weather permitting of course!

With very best wishes to you.

xx

[Grannie G]

I dread to think how we would have managed if I had not moved near our son.

I know it was a big upheaval and caused Dhiren a lot of confusion, even identifying his dementia which until then we were ignorant of. However when we really were in need, our son was the one who could act as go between and reassure his father.

And now Dhiren is in a home, I have family near by.

[KAnne]

I'm feeling so needy a lot of the time now. I think I'm a bit of a wimp really, but I can't cope with John for much longer on my own.

He's going through a bad stage at mo. We now have very good and loving periods, followed without warning by the opposite.

My analysis is that because he is so much more confused by just about everything now he needs a fall guy to blame it all on. and guess who that is.

There is another factor. I've noticed more and more lately that I can't even keep up with a semblance of my normal life here. I have to make arrangements every time I go out to try and make sure he eats - not usually effective, he often calls me several times when I'm out and I can't help getting pre occupied over him or rushing back. I dread telling him I'm going out and he holds me up for ages with spurious questions before I go. He dissects, contradicts, interrupts or moans abouts about everything I say so I limit myself to the essentials -very boring and unsatisfactory for both of us.

Added to that e wont or cant help out with the chores now - even down to making me a cup of tea when I,m desperate. I feel exhausted most of the time being mentally and physically frazzled.

Since practising more of the 'compassionate communication' I and his carer cut out a lot of the conflict on which he seems to thrive so much.It was such a success we were **** a hoop. Now however his behaviour has been so obnoxious he's managed to reduce both of us to tears several times a day.

It just coincided with both my sister and friend going away, I longed to be able to go round to someone to let off steam. I ended up going to a friends house while she was at work just to sit with my new puppy and calm down! So my daydreams of moving back to my family home town are getting stronger all the time.

I've already picked out some houses for sale near 3 of my sisters and several nieces, nephews etc - in fact one is right next door to my family home!

I know it would be a massive change in life style and may not be as helpful as I hope. I just know I can't carry on much longer and need help, lots of it and right at hand.

I can 'just' about afford to keep our own house for a while so I can move one foot at a time as it were. Test my toe in the water first - seems like a no brainer. Or maybe just no-hoper.

I've just got a puppy and she is an absolute joy and has become the receptacle for all the thingsI can't say to John! I was hoping she could help soften him up a bit but dreadfully predictably she seems to have had the opposite effect. He loves her but is jealous of the attention she gets. You could have written the script! I've just lost the rest of my draft. Don't know where its gone - possibly the computers way of telling me to stop whining. Hope I've not bored you all, but if anyone has any helpful tips for how to stiffen the upper lip and get on with it I'd be grateful - Ive already signed up for yoga, but John wont join and just goes on about how 'dangerous' untrained instructors are! and its just one more thing for him to moan about.

Thank God for Talking point.

Have a nice Sunday evryone

xxx Jacky

You say he has a 'carer', so you have had all the assessments going have you small? like a carers assessment for yourself, have you contacted all the agencies willing to help.
Life as you knew it has gone, it's the way of it when looking after a loved one with dementia and I can not see how it can be otherwise but the effects can be mitigated. I'd say go on, move house, get nearer your family and friends (thought beware, family and friends can be next to useless when it comes right down to it!) worth a try though and good luck

[small]

thankyou all for such non judgemental and helpful replies.

I know this sounds silly but I can't honestly remember if I have had a carers assessment! I think I must have because the council gave me a small sum to help me go to yoga classes. My name is on the waiting list for counselling with local Carers group, that was months ago and after an assessment I've heard nothing further.

The carer I referred to is actually my husbands old girlfriend (its a long story but basically there were 3 people in our marriage- and like a mug I now pay her so that she can try and keep him occupied for 2 days a week)

To be honest I'm not feeling the benefit of it at the mo, because as he has got worse he has started treating her similarly to me. They end up back home early or don't even go out because John will not get ready but wants to spend the time arguing!!! I end up counselling her !!! but she has an outside life to help her switch off.....

I was so glad for Grannie G's comments as it felt like affirmation that I am not just a wimp, because I need more help than I can get here.

I have been to local AD soc and they were enormously helpful - it just isn't enough to give me the kind of support only family can and will do. I do take the point that family and particularly friends can not necessarily rise to the occasion , But I think my closest family which is large and even includes nieces and greatnieces and nephews! will help. Thanks again I can't thnk why I didn'tshare all this with you all earlier !

Love Jackie

[SWMBO1950]

So glad you got something from your post - people are very helpful on this forum, and you are not a wimp just stressed like many other carers.

Dont be afraid to post again and get that help on board NOW

thankyou all for such non judgemental and helpful replies.

I know this sounds silly but I can't honestly remember if I have had a carers assessment! I think I must have because the council gave me a small sum to help me go to yoga classes. My name is on the waiting list for counselling with local Carers group, that was months ago and after an assessment I've heard nothing further.

The carer I referred to is actually my husbands old girlfriend (its a long story but basically there were 3 people in our marriage- and like a mug I now pay her so that she can try and keep him occupied for 2 days a week)

To be honest I'm not feeling the benefit of it at the mo, because as he has got worse he has started treating her similarly to me. They end up back home early or don't even go out because John will not get ready but wants to spend the time arguing!!! I end up counselling her !!! but she has an outside life to help her switch off.....

I was so glad for Grannie G's comments as it felt like affirmation that I am not just a wimp, because I need more help than I can get here.

I have been to local AD soc and they were enormously helpful - it just isn't enough to give me the kind of support only family can and will do. I do take the point that family and particularly friends can not necessarily rise to the occasion , But I think my closest family which is large and even includes nieces and greatnieces and nephews! will help. Thanks again I can't thnk why I didn'tshare all this with you all earlier !

Love Jackie