Moving mother and father-in-law

[steveaduk]

Hi
We want to move my parents in law closer to us, and we have got first refusal on a one bed ground floor apartment in a lovely warden assisted home. The location is much better for them; it has level access and is very close to shops and bus stop, and most importantly very close to us so we can help them.

Our only worry is that it will upset the status quo in respect of my father in law who has an advanced form of dementia - he is easily confused and disorientated. we are worried he will not settle in the new place.

We are caught between devil and deep blue sea- at present they are too far away for us to visit them more than once a week.

Has anyone any experience of this situation?

Thanks

Steve

[greengirl]

[QUOTE=steveaduk;601579]Hi
We want to move my parents in law closer to us, and we have got first refusal on a one bed ground floor apartment in a lovely warden assisted home. The location is much better for them; it has level access and is very close to shops and bus stop, and most importantly very close to us so we can help them.

Our only worry is that it will upset the status quo in respect of my father in law who has an advanced form of dementia - he is easily confused and disorientated. we are worried he will not settle in the new place.

We are caught between devil and deep blue sea- at present they are too far away for us to visit them more than once a week.

Has anyone any experience of this situation?

Thanks

Steve

Hi, I have professional experience of this and it is a difficult decision to make. Once a week is an admirable commitment especially if it is a long drive; it takes over your life. I think we always want to rescue people and think it will be better if they are close by and we can rescue them quicker, but that is not always for the best. So I will just mention certain things for you to think about

The flat may look lovely but as you say it will not be understood by your FIL. He may or may not, with his things around him accept it as his home. He may accept it as a place he is staying in near his daughter, he may not. This may affect him negatively or he may just accept it as is so long as 'his chair' is in the right place. Simple things like the taps in the bathroom operating differently or a red pull cord just asking to be pulled where the toilet chain used to hang can cause chaos. Not all supported housing is 'extra care' and sometimes they are intolerant of people with high needs, unless/ or sadly sometimes especially if they have professional carers coming in. Some homes have flats for visitors and may offer a weekend trial, more for your mil to get a feel for the place initially. You need to entirely upfront with the housing providers on the challenges that may lie ahead.

Neighbours may be welcoming, there may be a social space and activity or it may be that people live very independently and do not necessarily welcome newcomers. Your mum will not have friends and familiar places around her, that may or may not be important, but she could feel very isolated.

If they receive care now this will need setting up in the new area and their eligibility criteria may be different and services better or worse.

Sometimes people move and quickly deteriorate and need residential care. If that happened would your in laws be better off where they are now? Not all authorities provide res: care very willingly if you have just moved in from outside the area.

Would your in-laws consider residential care for your fil and your mil stay at home? Often we feel we should look after people at home, obviously, but it can be better to make a move before a crisis occurs, for either party, and is possibly no more disruptive to your fil's health and wellbeing than a major relocation.

I hope that helps a bit, no doubt you feel some pressure to take the flat up while you have the chance but you and your in laws have to weigh up the pro's and cons very carefully and discuss all options freely and without guilt. If there is a local Alzheimer's group to both you and your in-laws they will be able to tell you about the best residential homes, services that are available and explore the options with you. Their GP or psycho-geriatrician may also help advise you on the clinical impact of any decision.

It is always a leap in the dark and in the end you may not know if you made the right choice but you are doing all you can, and more than many, so take care.

gg