How do I get MIL to go out?

[PeggySmith]

After being in hospital for 9 weeks, MIL has been at home for nearly 6 weeks and, apart from the appointment last Monday at the memory clinic, hasn't been out. She won't go to church any more or attend any church groups and when SW suggested a day care centre she got quite nasty and said "I'm not going there, they talk about you behind your back" - how on earth would she know that?

Any suggestions will be gratefully received as she's getting very bored just sitting around at home waiting for us or the carers to call in.

[Butter]

it depends so much on where she is and how she travels and how well she is. If she uses the bus ... many options open up ... in a city there is so much you can do. The buses are such friendly places. My parents used to just catch a bus to its terminus for fun. Cinemas do cheap afternoon performances with tea and biscuits ... there are galleries .. exhibitions...
In the country - gardens - views .. market days in towns .. both my grandmothers found voluntary work they could do into their 80s

[jenniferpa]

I wondering if what you are dealing with here is fear. I can imagine that after a long hospital stay she's probably pretty frightened of anything and everything. Is that possible do you think?

[kkh42]

Second to what Jennifer said - first you need to get to the bottom of why she has stopped going out - is it fear, is it because she has been out of her normal routine for so long, that she is struggling to remember what she got out of it. If you can get her to discuss why she is reluctant to go out, you may be able to suggest some gentle steps to try and start correcting the situation. Would there be a chance that members of her church/church group could come and visit HER? If she re-made some of those connections, she may be keen to go out and continue seeing them, etc.

[PeggySmith]

Yes, it's fear - or embarrassment because she can't walk independently any more and needs to use a frame or a wheelchair, but she just gets cross when it's mentioned and I don't think I can keep on talking about it much longer as she is starting to complain to her sons that I'm trying to "make" her go out when she doesn't want to.

We don't live in a city and she couldn't take a bus even if we did, and yes, someone from the church visits her every week. Actually, maybe I should talk to them about getting her out??

Thanks for that idea!!

[greengirl]

It sounds like a good idea to ask a church member to try and include her in activities. But they need to understand her needs and how to talk to her, usually that means not asking too many questions!

Anxieties usually decline once you have taken the first step. Many alzheimer groups or Age Concern have trained befrienders but if MIL does not welcome that idea you need to go slowly. Sometimes giving people a purpose rather than offering something to them as if it is a service/favour to them can help involve someone. For example, asking if she would mind going with Jean from church to pop in on Mary who has had a real job getting used to using a wheelchair. Or asking for help doing the flowers/ taking the tea money etc. Someone still needs to be there to make sure she feels safe, e.g. if someone asks her questions she can't answer but it may increase her sense of worth rather than her vulnerability.

Also, it may be that you are worrying about her being bored and isolated when she is relatively content, so be kind to yourself
gg

[FifiMo]

Whilst fear can often cause things like this to happen, you might also find that her home is her security and that is why she doesn't want to leave. Having been in hospital for so long she might get it into her head that if she goes out that she might end up back in hospital again. Overall, if she now needs walking frames and wheelchairs then it might all appear to be just to much for her to cope with. Sometimes for example, dementia sufferers have to put so much energy into being able to be seen to function in a public place, that added things like mobility problems are often the straw that breaks the camel's back, kinda thing.

From my experience with my mother, I would recommend that you drop the issue for a while because if you persist there is a danger that paranoia can creep in and then you'll be getting accused of all sorts of things that are being imagined. Could you contact her church and ask for the minister/priest to visit her? Does her church do tapes of services for those who are housebound - perhaps they could deliver those for her? How about a church magazine - could someone bring that round to her too perhaps? If you encourage people from the church to call round then please tell them in advance to say that she is missed and that her help is needed etc etc. One thing that is big in trying to get folks out is that idea that someone needs them!

Hope this helps,

Fiona