The waiting game has begun..

[Isabella41]

Just had quite a terse email from louise."do you know how sad and depressed granny is, what must I do to get through to you" I kid you not. These were the words of my daughter. She went on to say it would be hypocrisy to have me at her wedding. Apparently the girls and mum have been talking earlier so I musn't be doing enough to please mum. This is pure pure madness. I feel like I'm in a really bad dream but I can't wake up. My mother has so much to answer for. Even when my girls were little she caused problems. She would deliberetly do the opposite of what I asked her to do with them. She even saw off 2 paid housekeepers with her interferences. I am so stressed by all of this I feel physically sick. I'm beyond crying. I've lost my daughters due to the demented ramblings and demands of a selfish old woman who always demanded her own way. The day my darling daddy died I said the wrong parent died first. If it were daddy now in the throes of dementia i'd walk over hot coals and broken glass to help him. He was the love of my life and an absoulute saint to put up with her all those years.

[ggma]

So sorry Isabella, it is all so terribly unfair, and beyond understanding. None of us could remain unscathed by such manipulation. So sad that your daughters are not able to see how they are being played, they are so far in now that it will be very difficult for them to see anything differently.

You know the answer to your daughter, of course you do know how your Mother feels, and you are doing all you can to help, but you can not act in a way that you know would be detrimental to your Mother long term interests.

It is the inexperience of youth that leads them to believe that threats will work.

Sending you my love and thoughts, do look after yourself.

[Onlyme]

The day my darling daddy died I said the wrong parent died first. If it were daddy now in the throes of dementia i'd walk over hot coals and broken glass to help him. He was the love of my life and an absoulute saint to put up with her all those years.

And that is why she resents you. She was (probably) such a cow that he doted on you rather than deal with her.

I would contac the SW and tell her that you can no longer take part in the fiasco that is being brought into your life. Tell her that you children have disowned you and you have had enough. Let them send your Mum here there and everywhere and be done with it.

I really feel that you have to walk away from a topic situation that is now spilling out onto all around it.

PS because I am mean and nasty I would be tempted to text Louise 'you gullible little fool, she is playing you like a fiddle. Enjoy.'

[Katrine]

"Dear Louise, I will always love you. I am your mother. I am beyond exhausted dealing with your anger and delusions about granny. Very sadly I have to agree that you are a hypocrite with regard to me and that it would give none of us any satisfaction or joy to meet at your wedding. I wish you and your new husband well in your new life together.

It is not necessary for you to communicate with me any further at this present time. Please cease all efforts to 'get through to me'. You have already made your views painfully clear. I have had enough. If I receive any further unpleasant and critical emails from you I will have to take the step of adding you to my 'blocked' contacts list. I hope that this will be a temporary situation but it really is in your hands. With love always, your mother."

[piedwarbler]

I do think it is time you put yourself first now. You are going to make yourself ill if you're not careful, and you are stressing out over people who can't or won't think of you.
Please think about what you need and then give it to yourself if you can.
Enough is enough. Xxxx

[Onlyme]

"Dear Louise, I will always love you. I am your mother. I am beyond exhausted dealing with your anger and delusions about granny. Very sadly I have to agree that you are a hypocrite with regard to me and that it would give none of us any satisfaction or joy to meet at your wedding. I wish you and your new husband well in your new life together.

It is not necessary for you to communicate with me any further at this present time. Please cease all efforts to 'get through to me'. You have already made your views painfully clear. I have had enough. If I receive any further unpleasant and critical emails from you I will have to take the step of adding you to my 'blocked' contacts list. I hope that this will be a temporary situation but it really is in your hands. With love always, your mother."

Well put. I am really angry on your behalf.

[Tooshie]

The day my darling daddy died I said the wrong parent died first. If it were daddy now in the throes of dementia i'd walk over hot coals and broken glass to help him. He was the love of my life and an absoulute saint to put up with her all those years.

Isabella, how many times have we wrote this to each other already? My Daddy stayed with her because she used me as a pawn to check/mate him. Had it not been for me, he would have exited before their first wedding anniversary, I am certain. What a waste of two lives - his - and mine! xx

[jan.s]

Well said Katrine.

[Tooshie]

And that is why she resents you. She was (probably) such a cow that he doted on you rather than deal with her'

Onlyme - how true and accurate of Isabella's situation and that of my own. You seem to be speaking of bitter experience too? They say that 'Hell hath no fury as a woman scorned' - I have lived my entire life with this. It's sickening that any 'Mother' can have such entrenched feelings of jealousy towards her own child

Isabella - you and I both know that only those who have experienced this can truly empathise. Onlyme, you must be in the same 'gang', and this upsets me for all our sakes.

Tooshie x

[SWMBO1950]

Well phrased!

"Dear Louise, I will always love you. I am your mother. I am beyond exhausted dealing with your anger and delusions about granny. Very sadly I have to agree that you are a hypocrite with regard to me and that it would give none of us any satisfaction or joy to meet at your wedding. I wish you and your new husband well in your new life together.

It is not necessary for you to communicate with me any further at this present time. Please cease all efforts to 'get through to me'. You have already made your views painfully clear. I have had enough. If I receive any further unpleasant and critical emails from you I will have to take the step of adding you to my 'blocked' contacts list. I hope that this will be a temporary situation but it really is in your hands. With love always, your mother."

[Kasia]

"Dear Louise, I will always love you. I am your mother. I am beyond exhausted dealing with your anger and delusions about granny. Very sadly I have to agree that you are a hypocrite with regard to me and that it would give none of us any satisfaction or joy to meet at your wedding. I wish you and your new husband well in your new life together.

It is not necessary for you to communicate with me any further at this present time. Please cease all efforts to 'get through to me'. You have already made your views painfully clear. I have had enough. If I receive any further unpleasant and critical emails from you I will have to take the step of adding you to my 'blocked' contacts list. I hope that this will be a temporary situation but it really is in your hands. With love always, your mother."

Hi Isabella, I have been following your thread and can feel how painful it is for you to be treated this way by your daughters, but having been somewhat treated the same way by one of my children I think you should seriously take this advice. Whilst we allow our children to treat us in this way they have no respect for us. Make the stand and the respect will follow x

[Chemmy]

"Dear Louise, I will always love you. I am your mother. I am beyond exhausted dealing with your anger and delusions about granny. Very sadly I have to agree that you are a hypocrite with regard to me and that it would give none of us any satisfaction or joy to meet at your wedding. I wish you and your new husband well in your new life together.

It is not necessary for you to communicate with me any further at this present time. Please cease all efforts to 'get through to me'. You have already made your views painfully clear. I have had enough. If I receive any further unpleasant and critical emails from you I will have to take the step of adding you to my 'blocked' contacts list. I hope that this will be a temporary situation but it really is in your hands. With love always, your mother."

Hard as it is, I'd go along with this too. It's not a nasty response; it leaves the door open. It says you love her.

I have a friend who was distraught as she was estranged from her son and grandaughter for over a year, all down to a petty, jealous DIL. S was going to pour her heart out in a letter, all the reasons why this and why that, but we decided that a simple message on her son's birthday card - "I know we've had our differences, but I'm your mum and I'll always love you" - was enough. He called round to see her.

It's taken a while, but yes, the relationship did get back on course; there's still a wariness - there always will be with the DIL in the picture - but S behaved with dignity and self respect and this is what you should carry on doing too.

If you back down on this, they - and your mum - will have 'won' and, as you've already realised, things won't actually get any better.

Time to put yourself and John first. I do wonder if this is some sort of case of subliminal observed behaviour - they've seen you putting up with ill-treatment from your mum (and possibly you ex?) all their life and in some warped sort of way think it's 'normal'?

[Onlyme]

If you back down on this, they - and your mum - will have 'won' and, as you've already realised, things won't actually get any better.

I do wonder if this is some sort of case of subliminal observed behaviour - they've seen you putting up with ill-treatment from your mum (and possibly you ex?) all their life and in some warped sort of way think it's 'normal'?

Totally agree and made that point a while back. Mum has been wiping her feet on you for ages and the girls have now joined in. They probably wanted to you compensate for their feelings when you married again and have continued to expect this rather than grow up.

[craftyviola]

I agree with all the above comments. I am so, so sorry about the behaviour of your daughter Isabella, but it is totally irrational and unjustified. Like Chemmy's friend, my own Mum (pre dementia) had similar treatment from my sister when my sister unsuccessfully tried to get my mother to "lend" her a huge sum of money when her business was failing and when Mum rightly refused, my sister wrote to her saying she would not have anything to do with. Then sister's daughter said she didn't want Mum at her wedding! I dared to stand up to support Mum and got blocked myself and have been for five years now and sister has magically merged back in to help my demented mother who now has no recollection of any discussions of loans etc five years ago. As it happened, had she lent the £12,000 she would have never seen it as the business went into liquidation shortly afterwards, but that's another story.

Stand back now and let the others get on with it - focus on your own supportive husband. You will never change people like that.

I am with you all the way. Xxx



My mother did write a letter similar to the one Katrina suggested (Mum saying that she would always love my sister etc but could not lend money) but my sister reacted in this way.

I think it is a very good idea to write this letter, but if your experience is anything like mine with my family, I would not hold my breath until Louise comes to her senses. If she has the same sociopathic tendencies as your mother, she will not admit any wrong or blame. In my case and to this day, everything that has happened to my sister, broken relationships, failed business, loss of friends, loss of home through eviction, putting Mum
in a care home etc etc is all my fault because I am the one with a non dysfunctional family and a great husband, friends, a nice house who has just got in with it and not dwelt on the split up of our parents when we were small children.

[Isabella41]

I just got another rambling email from louise. She's been investigating my health problems again. She will not let go on this. It comes across that she has it in her head that I am playing at being ill. Even when I told her of recent developements - gallstones. No word of sorry to hear that. For the first time I got really angry with her and reminded her of all the promises she had made in recent years and broke them. I really let fly and said I was fed up tip toing around and it was stopping now. Long story but she emailed me asking that I don't contact her again. In someways its a relief as maybe things will settle down. The girls will burn each other out with all their rants. One will get fed up quicker than the other. It saddens me that my witch of a mother has managed to do this with my children. I am a christian and I believe we reap what we sow... I don't believe my mother could prosper for this.