Helping Ma with her finances

[Boldredrosie]

My dad died last month. He managed all the finances all through his and Ma's married lives and has left her well provided for. Really, unless she needs to go into a home I doubt there's anything she's really ever going to want that she's not going to be able to afford as she's not an extravagant woman. She lives with me and my son (and my father did too) and I pay all the day to day bills for the house.
Even before her dementia I don't think Ma would have managed balancing a cheque book or paying bills but now, in the aftermath of Daddy's death, we're facing a whole new set of problems and I wonder if anybody's got any solutions.
Basically Ma cannot understand that she has money and that it's accessible in a couple of banks. I've tried listing the names of the banks, how much was in there last time she had a statement, and which bank is the one where the pension comes in.
Every day I have to reassure her that she's not going to the poor house. I've shown her the sum total of all the cash she has.
The local bank knows her and is fairly sensitive to the fact that she really doesn't quite understand what's going on and are always very helpful when she goes to withdraw money, so it's not as if she's going into a branch that doesn't care about her account.
Any ideas what I can do? She keeps saying she wants to go into each and every bank and find out how much money she's got -- should I let her? I just worry that somebody will be very unkind to her or actually let her withdraw a large sum of money that will attract unwanted attention and lead to her being robbed.

[moo moo]

hi Rosie
so sorry to here off your recent loss
,as if thats not hard enough you have the worries off your poor mum
wot a time your having
not sure wot to advise but i can relate
i had my name put on my mothers bank account and they attatched a note as i requested a call if she went in to the bank to draw a large amount
not only did she draw a large amount
it was from a bank she never useses
and a half hour bus ride away
WAIT FOR IT
without a bank book or card
using only a bank statment

quite scary
so now iv locked away everything lucky for me shes not asked why iv just told er its in a safe place

[Boldredrosie]

Crikey. So I'm not worrying unduly. I have thought and broached with her the possibility of power of attorney. Or like you've done being put on the accounts but that makes me wonder what will happen when she dies regarding inheritance tax and probate.
I recognise it's her money and she can do whatever she likes with it; even with her dementia she still has quite a high level of competence but as she's so very anxious about having money to do something that would undo all my dad's fiscal hard work would kill me.

[moo moo]

Am sure some1 with more info will be along with some advice
theres so many things to consider
its a minefeild eh

[2TT charlie]

Rosie,

Even before my mother died (and she handled all the finances) my father was starting to worry about how things were being paid for and where the money was going to come from. He's never been as bad as your mum, but I've just taken a line of saying (repeatedly), it's all fine, there's plenty of money and N (my brother) and I are sorting it out for you. I've also repeatedly used the 'mother sorted it all out so there'd be plenty of money' line and since she was doing it all, he's accepted that. I do think that when he initially started worrying it was because he was reverting to earlier memories, when he was always worried about money and there wasn't enough. I've just kept repeating calm reassurances that it was all in hand and it's no longer a problem. And I've also kept it simple and basic, not confusing him with any details. All he really needed was assurance that it was all fine.

We do have an enduring POA which made it all easier, but also my brother has on-line access to the main account. If the local branch are being helpful is it possible for you to set up an on-line account on her behalf and print out daily statements for her, for a while at least until she is reassured that the numbers are consistent and large enough? That might avoid unnecessary trips to the bank.

[Boldredrosie]

Thank you, that's a good suggestion. Looking thru the papers I can see Daddy did set up online accounts but never used them. I'm sure this may be a way of helping her feel more reassured.

[Canadian Joanne]

We do have an enduring POA which made it all easier, but also my brother has on-line access to the main account. If the local branch are being helpful is it possible for you to set up an on-line account on her behalf and print out daily statements for her, for a while at least until she is reassured that the numbers are consistent and large enough? That might avoid unnecessary trips to the bank.

The enduring POA is essential.

As for the daily statements, my mother had her savings book, which she would whip out and show to family members and perhaps others . I let her keep the book as long as she wanted, even after I had got the POA in place and had switched all her banking. Even though the book was out of date and the account no longer existed, she didn't realize that. She only saw that she had over $20,000 in her account and was very happy with that. Perhaps something along those lines might work for you?

[FifiMo]

Hiya Rosie,

I really do wonder from what you say, whether your mum, due to her dementia and memory problems, is perhaps reverting to a period where most things were dealt with in cash and not via banks. It could be that the best way to go would be to take her bank cards off her and make sure she has a purse with cash in it which you can top up as and when she spends any money. You could make sure the money is in small denominations so it looks like she has a lot of money in there. If she asks about her pension, then tell her you picked it up for her and its in her purse.

Not to put to fine a point on things, from another perspective your mum is at risk with how she is dealing with money right now. She is at risk of being watched, she is at risk of someone watching her in a shop, she is at risk of showing people bank information etc etc. If you can mitigate this risk then all the better for all of you. My mother was exploited on more than one occasion and when I got access to her bank information I found that there are thousands of pounds unaccounted for over a relatively short period of time. I notified the police but it is very difficult to make progress due to the fact that she has no idea of what you're talking about.

Using the online banking in the absence of you having power of attorney is a good thing. By doing this you can cover all her finances other than her day to day spending money. This will also keep her away from the bank potentially, because from what you describe there will come a time when the bank will be obliged to not be so cooperative and the last thing you need to happen is for them to freeze her account because they consider she doesn't have capacity to understand what she is doing.

Fiona