Persuading Mum to accept help - advice please!

[AlexB]

Both parents have Dementia. Mum (80) has mild dementia, Dad (86) is declining faster than she is both mentally and physically. They live in a wonderful 'assisted living development' with carers available to help with personal care, cleaning and laundry. Dad now needs daily help with his personal care and with managing his incontinence. Mum believes she can look after her husband, she is very proud and wants to maintain their privacy and independence. In reality she no longer notices what needs to be done. Carers have gained access in the past using a variety of distraction techniques but now Mum is refusing to let the carers in, saying she can cope with looking after her husband. Carers go into the flat while they are both having lunch in the residents dining room to 'mop up', gather up the washing and change the beds. Due to her own Dementia, Mum has not noticed this is being done. Any suggestions as to how we can persuade Mum to let the carers in to help Dad?

[FifiMo]

Hiya AlexB,

On reading your explanation the first thing that came to mind with me is that it is no wonder your mum is objecting to help being provided because everything is just fine. Due to the dementia however she doesn't realise it is just fine because the "caring fairies" are doing it when she isn't around. I wonder therefore whether, rather than tidying up covertly, whether they should let things slide for a couple of days to the point that your mum can see she isn't coping? Either that or rather than clean up they "mess it up" a bit in order to re-enforce the fact that she needs help?

Another approach might be to name names of people that your mum might hold in high regard. For example, maybe she would accept that the carers have to come in and check things over, because the GP has asked them to do so. If she holds the GP in high regard, then perhaps the GP can call and have a chat, tell her that she is doing a marvellous job, but point out that he needs her husband's incontinence checked every day so that he doesn't get an infection that might need treatment.

I hope you manage to find a solution that works and I'm sure that others will be along soon with more suggestions.

Fiona

[AlexB]

Fiona - thank you very much for the advice. We will give your suggestions a try. Alex B

[CINDYJANE]

My mum does not want the carers to come in either. She is fiercely independent and refuses to admit that she can't manage everything. It has come to the point that she is forgetting that she has food in the cupboard/freezer or how to cook it, and I am worried about her diet as she is losing so much weight.
I agree that getting someone in to clean up when your parents are out must be a great help but leads to your Mum thinking all is ok. But I would be worried if the carers did not tidy up and she found the place in a mess, as it might confuse and unsettle her? Good idea if she would accept her doctor's advice to let carers in - but will she remember that ? Discussing things with my mum now is as good as talking to a brick wall.
I am wondering if suggesting to her that the carers need HER help with some tasks may encourage her to let them do things. My mum accepts the phrase that "something is broken and we need someone in to fix it" when things need doing, as she knows she can't do electrical repairs (for instance) but for a carer to suggest she cooks her lunch or helps hang out her washing is a definite no-go area. So maybe saying that the cares need to do something for medical or technical reasons might work with your mum? Anyone else tried any of these ways?
I wish you luck.....

[horse]

Hello,
I fully understand the problem. My mum constantly checks her fridge, her purse as we set off to shop and has no recollection that we have just made a shopping list or why we are going shopping. Getting people in to mend things is extremely stressful as she will not admit she cannot fix things herself anymore. My mum still tells people she goes up to Yorkshire from Camberley in Surrey where she lives on her own to visit her sister and she is extremely convincing. Actually I take her by train or sometimes drive her after an episode a few years ago when her sister put my mum on a train from Bradford which I was supposed to meet Kings Cross and she wasn't on it. We eventually found her in Waterloo station wandering around. After that we decided she could no longer travel anywhere alone. The enormous challenge for me is that although she will accept she can't remember things she then immediately forgets she can't remember.

Making appointments is appalling. The receptionist will book a date and my mum will say yes no problem and as I try to discreetly alert the receptionist to the need to fit in with my diary I I met with disapproval, as if I am disrepectful.

I have decided that my weekly visits to my mum will be as happy as possible, ignoring my concerns about her diet, her loneliness, ignoring the fact that her fridge is usually empty when I arrive or food is out of date and that her main food source is cream cakes and eclairs. At least she gets some calories. Taking food, baking scones and cakes for her is useless as she forgets that they are there. She will not contemplate having meals delivered she is a potatoes, meat or fish and peas person with no sauces, no other vegetables and maybe a banana. My mum lives in sheltered housing and has neighbours who regularly come to her flat for her company. She offers to help them, go shopping for them, which is impossible as she forgets what she has promised but their need helps here to feel needed.

I can't see any answers and think removing the stresses of trying to work out why my mum refuses help is essential, accepting that despite her inability to accept her situation dignity must be preserved. Getting essential things done in an underhand manner is better than the pain of reducing her to a dependent child.

I want to take my mum to a singing group. Sometimes she says yes that would be lovely and then says well I can't sing. I'm scared but think it's time to go ahead, be her daughter and ask that she comes singing with me,
Lots of love

My mum does not want the carers to come in either. She is fiercely independent and refuses to admit that she can't manage everything. It has come to the point that she is forgetting that she has food in the cupboard/freezer or how to cook it, and I am worried about her diet as she is losing so much weight.
I agree that getting someone in to clean up when your parents are out must be a great help but leads to your Mum thinking all is ok. But I would be worried if the carers did not tidy up and she found the place in a mess, as it might confuse and unsettle her? Good idea if she would accept her doctor's advice to let carers in - but will she remember that ? Discussing things with my mum now is as good as talking to a brick wall.
I am wondering if suggesting to her that the carers need HER help with some tasks may encourage her to let them do things. My mum accepts the phrase that "something is broken and we need someone in to fix it" when things need doing, as she knows she can't do electrical repairs (for instance) but for a carer to suggest she cooks her lunch or helps hang out her washing is a definite no-go area. So maybe saying that the cares need to do something for medical or technical reasons might work with your mum? Anyone else tried any of these ways?
I wish you luck.....

[Billie61]

MIL lives with us and does absolutely nothing round the house. Her arthritis prevents quite a lot as she cannot grip very well.

However, if anyone visits she will happily tell them that she does all the cooking, cleaning, washing and ironing.

She really believes that she is a young woman and that she will be going home to her mum and dad soon. We think she is currently at the stage just prior to getting married as she doesn't remember being married.

An example of what can get to me is when she casually sweeps crumbs off the table onto the floor and then 5 minutes later will say how dirty the floor is!
Then she will get the hand towel dirty and accuse everyone else of using her things and making them dirty.

[Portia]

A bit simplistic, but could you say to mum that carers need to come in for a wee while every day so they get paid/don't get into trouble? Make it like she would be doing them a favour...
Or could they have a key box where they just let themselves in? My Aunt wouldn't get out of chair for carers (said she couldn't hear doorbell ) so we got the keysafe box fitted..she thought she didn't want them, but was pleased to see them once they were in.

[AlexB]

Thanks everyone for replying to my original question of how to get Mum to accept the help from carers. At the moment we are trying the line that 'the carer needs to come in and check Dad (i.e. shower, shave, dress him etc.) and prevent him from getting infections, sore skin etc. due to his incontinence'. So far so good - the carer has managed to do this three days in a row. Fingers crossed we have turned a corner and that Mum will remember this is why she needs to let the carers in. Ever hopeful.....