My Mom just diagnosed with dementia and I am confused where to start

[boomerang]

Hello
My Mom has been in hospital since 26th may she has been assessed and they
confirm she cannot go back home and will have to go to interim Care home for a
while and if not sell her bungalow and go into a care home Where do you start?
Whats the best place to read about this? Costs as I presume they will take her
home sell it and use all her money? I am so lost and dont have anyone to ask
If there any person who has been thru this? I dont know what questions to ask
the assessors? They just keep asking about the name on the deeds her savings
so presume they just take it as I dont have power of eterny and Mom would say
yes to anything at moment I am truly lost and dont know what best to do for
her sorry for going on but really need sound advise oh her pensions and any allowances could we ask for - she may have savings I have never asked
her about important things which I know I should have thank you

ps they are now saying they will appoint a nimca for mom WHAT IS
THIS???

[Theboxer]

Hi boomerang

Have you looked at some of the fact sheets Alzheimer's Society have on this site? Some excellent help available there. If you are in the UK ask for help from social services. Lots of things to consider does anyone else live in the house? Are you entitled to continuing healthcare? Your GP can put you in touch with your local Mental Health team and Social services?

Hope you get some answers soon. It is very bewildering but info is out there.

Regards Theboxer

[Saffie]

Hello there and welcome.

Costs as I presume they will take her home sell it and use all her money?

They won't use all her money. Your mother will simply be considered to be self-funding so will pay the care/nursing home fees herself as and when they are required rather than have input from the Local authority.Her social worker should be able to advise you on the procedures. Also, as mentioned above there are many useful fact sheets on the Alzzheimer's Society website or you can phone them and they will send them to you.You could also search this forum for information using the key words as this issue has naturally been raised and discussed many times. There are current posts about it as I write. These also cover the allowances, such as Attendance Allowance, which, as a self-funder, your mother should be able to receive.

For face to face advice, the CAB or Age concern can be very helpful. Good luck.

[boomerang]

Thank you for your reply Mom lives by herself
The hospital seems to be in control at moment
and that is why I am so confused
I live 4 hours away and no one local to her
Have found out you can have hourly help and overnight stays
at her home so looking at costs but they wont let
her home at moment they seem to control the situation
thanks

Hi boomerang

Have you looked at some of the fact sheets Alzheimer's Society have on this site? Some excellent help available there. If you are in the UK ask for help from social services. Lots of things to consider does anyone else live in the house? Are you entitled to continuing healthcare? Your GP can put you in touch with your local Mental Health team and Social services?

Hope you get some answers soon. It is very bewildering but info is out there.

Regards Theboxer

[boomerang]

Thank you will search this site in more detail tonight as
really panicked today as everything is happening
too quick for me and they are asking me things
I just dont know etc her finances
Thanks again

Hello there and welcome.


They won't use all her money. Your mother will simply be considered to be self-funding so will pay the care/nursing home fees herself as and when they are required rather than have input from the Local authority.Her social worker should be able to advise you on the procedures. Also, as mentioned above there are many useful fact sheets on the Alzzheimer's Society website or you can phone them and they will send them to you.You could also search this forum for information using the key words as this issue has naturally been raised and discussed many times. There are current posts about it as I write. These also cover the allowances, such as Attendance Allowance, which, as a self-funder, your mother should be able to receive.

For face to face advice, the CAB or Age concern can be very helpful. Good luck.

[Chemmy]

Hello Boomerang

Welcome to Talking Point. You've come to the right place to get help and support - there are loads of people on here who have been through similar experiences so the first thing to do is not to panic Easier said than done but just take things a step at a time. Don't let social sservices bounce you into anything without you understanding what it means.

Contacting your local Age Concern or Alzheimers Society branch is probably a good idea. If you make an appointment, you should be able to talk through what happens next. This is the factsheet that explains the procedure for discharge from hospital, so read that through and if you have any questions, come back on here and we'll see if we can help.

This factsheet explains care home fees and this one will explain about Power of Attorney. It's too late for you to get an LPA i expect but if you look down the factsheet, you'll see the bit about applying for deputyship which is how you can take control of your mum's financial affairs.

It's a huge learning curve for you, but we're here to help - just take it steady and come back to us whan you have a couple of questions.

The main thing is that your mum is safe and being looked after; everything else will fit into place given time.

[Saffie]

It's too late for you to get an LPA i expect but if you look down the factsheet, you'll see the bit about applying for deputyship which is how you can take control of your mum's financial affairs.

Check first as your mother may just be deemed to have capacity even if only at certain times - her doctor should help there. I say this because it is much easier to have LPA that to go down the Deputyship route, cheaper too. Good luck with all this and do take one step at a time as it's a long path, this dementia road, and it can become quite stressful - as you are finding.X

[stayfocused]

Hi Boomerang,

I have been through a very intensive and relatively short learning period as a caregiver, and have dealt with much of it as the primary caregiver from 3000 miles away (coast to coast in U.S.) so I can relate to your position. Some of my ideas may not match how things work in the UK but it may still give you a take on things.

Some suggestions/opinions:
- Try to slow things down to your own pace. Write things out, explore options, talk to trusted friends and family about it. Yes, you may need to act quickly on various matters, but you will be most effective in terms of time and energy if you can do it calmly.
- Realize (accept)that whatever has to be done for your mom you can do it because you have to do it. As the caregiver you are (presumably) motivated and will find a way. It may take a lot of perseverance, and the path may take twists and turns, but it will work out somehow.
- Cast aside the issue of distance and time as being a barrier. IMHO the only real distance is the emotional and psychological distance that exists in the relationship. (For me it takes five 1/2 to six hours flying and then a drive. Phone calls take seconds, FAXes take minutes and they both can be very efficient and effective.)
- I don’t know what type of funds you or your mom have, but if possible consider hiring a geriatric caregiver or geriatric nurse, even if just for the first few months, to help you. They can be your eyes and ears for you when you are 4 hours away, be an effective conduit between your mom’s doctors and the hospital or care-facility staff, and an advocate for your mom’s rights to proper care.
- Things are not going to go perfectly and mistakes are learning opportunities.
- If your mom has not been declared incompetent (not sure how the laws work there) you can still try to get her to sign you over as POA. (In U.S. it’s separated into POA medical and POA financial. ) Test it out with banks – they have their own legal dept and will scrutinize it well before approving it. If you have a joint account (both your mother’s name and yours) on her bank accounts that will help you in the interim. In the U.S. you need POA to handle IRA’s (retirement accounts). If your mom will say “yes” to anything then it seems like she is incompetent. You may want to talk to an attorney who specializes in estates, trusts and/or elder care.

This is an outside possibility, but make sure you mother has no infections. I had a friend whose elderly mother experienced a form of dementia for days due to an infection in her big toe. Once they treated the infection the symptoms of the dementia went away.

Hope this helps a bit.

[boomerang]

Check first as your mother may just be deemed to have capacity even if only at certain times - her doctor should help there. I say this because it is much easier to have LPA that to go down the Deputyship route, cheaper too. Good luck with all this and do take one step at a time as it's a long path, this dementia road, and it can become quite stressful - as you are finding.X

the Deputyship route tHANK YOU FOR THIS ADVICE NOT HEARD OF IT WILL LOOK AT THIS THANK YOU ALL FOR THESE REPLIES

[boomerang]

Hi Boomerang,

I have been through a very intensive and relatively short learning period as a caregiver, and have dealt with much of it as the primary caregiver from 3000 miles away (coast to coast in U.S.) so I can relate to your position. Some of my ideas may not match how things work in the UK but it may still give you a take on things.

Some suggestions/opinions:
- Try to slow things down to your own pace. Write things out, explore options, talk to trusted friends and family about it. Yes, you may need to act quickly on various matters, but you will be most effective in terms of time and energy if you can do it calmly.
- Realize (accept)that whatever has to be done for your mom you can do it because you have to do it. As the caregiver you are (presumably) motivated and will find a way. It may take a lot of perseverance, and the path may take twists and turns, but it will work out somehow.
- Cast aside the issue of distance and time as being a barrier. IMHO the only real distance is the emotional and psychological distance that exists in the relationship. (For me it takes five 1/2 to six hours flying and then a drive. Phone calls take seconds, FAXes take minutes and they both can be very efficient and effective.)
- I don’t know what type of funds you or your mom have, but if possible consider hiring a geriatric caregiver or geriatric nurse, even if just for the first few months, to help you. They can be your eyes and ears for you when you are 4 hours away, be an effective conduit between your mom’s doctors and the hospital or care-facility staff, and an advocate for your mom’s rights to proper care.
- Things are not going to go perfectly and mistakes are learning opportunities.
- If your mom has not been declared incompetent (not sure how the laws work there) you can still try to get her to sign you over as POA. (In U.S. it’s separated into POA medical and POA financial. ) Test it out with banks – they have their own legal dept and will scrutinize it well before approving it. If you have a joint account (both your mother’s name and yours) on her bank accounts that will help you in the interim. In the U.S. you need POA to handle IRA’s (retirement accounts). If your mom will say “yes” to anything then it seems like she is incompetent. You may want to talk to an attorney who specializes in estates, trusts and/or elder care.

This is an outside possibility, but make sure you mother has no infections. I had a friend whose elderly mother experienced a form of dementia for days due to an infection in her big toe. Once they treated the infection the symptoms of the dementia went away.

Hope this helps a bit.

BIG THANK YOU FOR ALL OF THIS INFO I dont think I would be this far ahead without reading all of this just printed the different sections now will peruse the lot still confused so much to understand

[jje]

Hi Boomerang,

If you are confused ring your mum's local alzheimer's society office (you should be able to find the direct line on the website). They should have someone who can advise you and who may also be able to visit your mum in her own home. They don't provide personal care or make decisions for her - they're just there to listen and can advise practical solutions to her, as well as feeding back to you.

Good luck and I hope the situation with your brother resolves itself soon.

[boomerang]

I am still very confused Hospital Care people want to review whether Mom should sell her home plus monies and go full time into care. Would or have anyone taken on the carer into their own home we would sell her bungalow but we would have the capital to
care for her and I would give up my work to look after my Mom is this fool hardy and I am not aware how things in her mental state will change or do I go with the flow and let these people put her into full care sell her home use her money then after say 3 years when its all gone they will probably move her to another home as they wont have the full fees from her . I really dont know whether I should just stand up at her review in 2 weeks time and say I will take her home with me I have the space but worried how bad the mental situation becomes having no experience so traumatised now with the situation and just cry my chest is even hurting with the tears - all the time I am struggling what I should decide which is best for my Mom I just cannot bear the thought of her in a home and how quick this has happended since her fall 26th May 2012 unbelievable - I know she has been getting a bit dippy but didnt think this was why or I didnt notice as I live quite a few mileas away form her and spend most times on the phoen -so now I am feeling guilty for not taking more notice - ANY IDEAS PLEASE AS TO WHAT DECISION ONE SHOULD DO ?