What people say ...

[beena]

Quite some time since I visited TP: Mum died 15 Sept 2011 (forever etched in my memory) By the way, it's even hard to type the word "died", but it is the harsh reality...
A few days ago I was speaking to a neighbour (To explain, I live in a very traditional community where, even if you don't publicise all, everyone knows what's happensing anyway) who, said "it must be quite liberating" (in that now I don't have to worry, I guess ? about Mum).
I didn't say anything BUT... how can people be so crass? I would NEVER think of losing Mum as being liberating (or is that just how I am?)
I thought I had prepared myself for losing Mum (how much of an idiot am I?) but I think about her and miss her every day (literally): tears come very easily: I don't wish the harshness of this on anyone but clearly ignorance is bliss

[chris53]

Dear Beena, may I say first am so sorry for your loss, indeed other people can be a bit too blunt and harsh and think they know best for you, I believe they are scared that this darn illness may come into their life, my mum has had Alz since late 2009, I curse the day we knew it had come into our life, she was a "carer" for my dad 61 years together, he worked but had mental health problems and also in later years agrophobia, he passed away july 2010,and mum who was so strong and loving put him before her family, she does have god days and thanks to medication is able to still live in a safe way in her own home, please don't be put off by other peoples comments, they are scared and are probably aware of how much you loved her and indeed still love her, but you are at peace with yourself,they are not. Take care and you have lovely memories to look back on-best wishes and a big hug - Chris

[nicoise]

Dear Beena,

I think it is just that these people have been incredibly lucky in their lives to have been untouched by illness and loss so that they cannot understand your (our) situation.

In order that I don't bring anymore unhappiness into my life, I have decided to take this view - they don't mean to be unkind, but just cannot relate to our experiences. I envy them!

But where I can I avoid those people, or just say that I am glad not to have the worry and stress about my mum's deteriorating health any longer, but that the loss of my mum is still a great sadness to me. Sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn't.

One day they will learn probably (not that I wish any of this on anyone else, however much I dislike them!), and hopefully be kinder to others.

[Saffie]

Losing your mother - liberating? !How crass and insensitive. I'm so sorry you had to experience this lack of understanding. I think I would have simply replied "She was my mother."

[Canadian Joanne]

just say that I am glad not to have the worry and stress about my mum's deteriorating health any longer, but that the loss of my mum is still a great sadness to me. Sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn't.

I think that's probably the best way to deal with it. It gently reminds the person of the loss but is not confrontational.

I once had someone say to me that my mother's Alzheimer's would prove to be a "learning experience". I rather tartly responded that I didn't think my mother would be learning anything with Alzheimer's. I know it was well-meant but people can certainly put their feet in their mouths.

[min88cat]

Crass and insensitive indeed!

I can vividly remember a good (now ex) friend of mine, commenting when I was driving backwards and forwards to my Dad's (60 miles each way and working full time) , how lucky she was not to have to do that, or think about her parents any more as they were both dead........................

[Canadian Joanne]

how lucky she was not to have to do that, or think about her parents any more as they were both dead........................

I never cease to be amazed at the self-centredness of some people!