my beautiful mom

[crazycatlady]

12 months ago yesterday i lost the most wonderful lady i had ever had the pleasure to know; my beautiful mom. my mom was diagnosed in May 2010 (but had vascular dementia in a milder form since around 2007). the day she was diagnosed i had accompanied her to see a geriatrician after working a night shift at the local hospital. when the doctor spoke the words, my heart broke and i wept. i knew that this meant my beautiful mom would continue to lose control of her independence, memory etc. and sure enough, bit by bit she began to deteriorate. she continued to live at home until December 2011 when due to becoming extremely confused and wandering in the night, we took the heartbreaking decision to place her in a specialist dementia care home. we found a really plush and extravagant (and expensive) care home with the intention of spoiling her in the time that she had left to enjoy it. i know that she deteriorated once in there and even now i feel such guilt that we placed her in a home. i wish more than anything that circumstances had been different and i had a bigger home and enough money to have given up work to look after her. prior to going in the home, she would spend each weekend with me and my partner and adult children. she loved being with us and i loved spoiling her. im not going to lie as at times it was hard going...the constant repetitiveness of comments or questions, the lack of conversation, the wandering at all hours. However, these memories are precious, so so precious. mom and i were close and she was so proud that i was a children's nurse and would always tell me how proud she was of me and how good i was. it was only after she had gone that i realised i never told her how proud i was of her for the person she was (she was amazing, caring, loving) and how proud i was to call her my mom...i now regret this deeply. i hope she didnt see the sorrow, the horror in my face as the condition took her further away from us. i hope she didnt realise when i was snappy because i struggled to cope with the same question asked for the 12th time. i hope she knew i loved/love her so deeply and am so grateful for the life and the love she gave to me.

as i said she went into the care home in December 2010 and we were regular visitors there. they had a lovely bistro cafe place and we'd sit and sup hot chocolate by the cupful. in the nice weather of April 2011, we'd sit outside in the beautiful grounds just 'being' together. i started taking lots of photos of us together once she went into the care home. as you can imagine i cherish these now. it was as though i knew what was coming, even though i didnt.

in May 2011 mom's sister took her on holiday to Ireland to visit her sister's. mom was so happy. she adored her family and as the dementia took hold, she spoke of her brothers and sisters often. mom was 1 0f 15 and had a very happy childhood. my sister and i set about buying her new clothes, underwear, coat etc for her holiday (we wanted her to feel and look fantastic). we organised euros for spending money and sorted her passport etc and gave them to her sister for safe keeping. we kissed mom goodbye (praying that they looked after her properly and kept her safe). little did we know that this was the last time we would see mom well!

on May 15th 2011 we received a call to inform us that mom had suffered a massive stroke and was in a coma. we flew over to Ireland on the first available flight and nothing would prepare me for the sight of my mom. she lay rhythmically fitting in her hospital bed, making strange sounds and jerking movements. i remember scooping her in my arms and sobbing uncontrollably. we spent the next 14 nights by her bedside as she lay in a coma; fitting, choking on secretions and wasting away. on the 15th day the consultant agreed for me to fly mom home. i pushed so hard for that and was determined that she was coming home to die surrounded by friends and grandchildren etc. we payed for a private air ambulance to transfer me and mom back to birmingham. i had to sign a waiver in case she died mid- flight. back in birmingham we spent 7 nights in our local hospital receiving sub-standard care...it was horrible. in Ireland we had been in a rural hospital and the staff had treated us all (especially mom) with such dignity and care. we will be eternally grateful. after 7 days at our local hospital, i arranged for mom to be transferred to Marie Curie hospice to spend her final days. mom had worked at this particular hospice prior to retiring and had been so happy there. i could not think of a more fitting place for her to pass away. we arrived on 6th June and some colleagues of mom's who still worked there came to pay their respects. on 8th June mom died with her children and one of her granddaughters by her side. im not going to lie, it was an horrendous death, peaceful but so horrible. she hadnt had any nutritional support since slipping into the coma 4 weeks previously and part of me thinks we allowed her to starve to death. i lost count of the amount of times i raised this with the doctors and queried pain relief and glucose and other things. being a nurse doesnt always help in these situations because you tend to have a greater knowledge which can make things even more traumatising.

now i am left bereft without her. i try to focus on the time i had with my mom during my childhood and all the good times we shared over the last few years. however, i feel cheated and angry mostly. however, i will do all i can to try to ensure that each day i do something in my life of which my beautiful mom would be proud

Barbara Ann Harwood i love you with all my heart, thank you for being my mom xx

[BeckyJan]

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. You did everything possible for a precious Mom and this is such a tremendous loss for you.

she hadnt had any nutritional support since slipping into the coma 4 weeks previously and part of me thinks we allowed her to starve to death

My husband is reaching this stage and as far as I understand it is part of the body shutting down and not requiring any form of nourishment. I prefer that we do not force food on my husband as that may result in aspiration which I feel would be cruel to him. To feed him artificially also seems wrong to me.

These are my own thoughts and I hope you can push away the feelings that you allowed your Mum to starve to death.

My heart goes out to you at this sad time of grief and bereavement.

[florence43]

It is so clear from your words and experience how very much your lovely mum meant to you. Despite any regrets and guilt you may feel or have felt, to an outsider looking in, you did everything you could, and it was the very best you could, when faced with such uncertainty and such an unpredictable disease.

Please don't let hindsight haunt you. Carry on with your mission to make your mum proud. It will keep her alive inside you.

It's what I try to do every day. I want to feel my parents close to me, and I feel their pride when I sing to my children, when I do something worthy, and when I'm shedding a little tear from time to time. They will know how very loved they were and subsequently how very missed. To honour their memories, I try to be the best person I can be. That's what you're doing, and I would bet anything that your mum is the proudest mum ever. You did your very best, and if my children did the same, no mistake could ever reduce the pride I'd feel for them and their intentions. So whatever mistakes you feel you made along one of the hardest journeys a person can take, just remember all the things you did right...like love her.

It's clear that you did and do, very much indeed.

I lost my mum 7 months ago, and miss her everyday. I know your pain, xxx

[alex]

Hi Crazycatlady

I was very touched by your post, it sounds as though you have the same doubts we all have, if only I done this, or if only I done that.........whats important is that your Mum was very loved......and i'm sure thats worth more to your Mum than anything.

I hope you find peace.
Alex x

[crazycatlady]

Thank you Jan, Annie & Alex for taking the time to reply to my post and for your kind words. Your support at this time means so very much. I hope you each find the courage and strength to face your own personal battles and seek solace from those that walk and have walked a similar path. Love and best wishes to you and yours!
Aly x

[larivy]

Hi crazycatlady sorry to hear you news after reading your thread it is clear you did all you could for your mum we all have times when we say " if only" but as my mum would say " if is a little word with a big meaning" I am sure your mum knew how much you loved her without you having to tell her and I'm sure she's very proud of you all
I lost my mum 7months ago I still say "if only" but deep down I know I couldn't have done any more for her but there is days when I don't believe it like you I had a great childhood and I have such great memories of my mum and dad and will always love them more then I can say and would do the same again for both of them I now have to try to move on and I really want them to be proud of me
You done a great job crazycatlady and I'm sure your mum new how much you all loved her Love larivy

[alicejude]

You have expressed your feeling so well.

I am so sorry you lost your lovely mum. I lost my beautiful mum 5 months ago, I am still struggling with everyday life.

The palliative nursing team are coming to visit me next week to talk through mums last 48 hours, hopefully I may find some answers that will help me move forward.

Sending you a big hug xx

Alicejude

[hrhajh]

I just wanted you to know that I read your post with tears. You are a dear daughter and as proud as you are of your Mum - I know for sure - she was just as proud of you.

[jvb]

This really touched me. I lost my grandmother yesterday (Remembrance Sunday) & am finding it hard being alone since I first heard the sad news. So lovely to see people with all too familiar experiences reaching out to each other. At this difficult time, i am so grateful to feel this compassion from others. Thank you. hope you are doing okay x