I've had enough.. Going to through the towel in and let them get on with it

[Sharon Waugh]

My mum has had these tests and scores highly. I couldn't get it! But have now found out that the dementia is affecting the frontal lobe of her brain which affects rationale, behaviour and personality. It doesn't affect her memory. Hence she remembers everything and then consequently for instance, if I don't go in for a day, she remembers but can not see the reasoning behind this and therefore when I go in the next, I get it in the neck big time. I don't know what part of your mums brain is affected but thought I would mention this in case there is any comparative.

Sharon
X

[SWMBO1950]

Hi Smudge

I fully understand what you are saying as de we all on this site.

When I worked (been retired 2 years now which does help a bit with the stress) one person where my mum lives (she is sheltered accommodation) commented when seeing me leave "that was a quick visit". Like you I visted and still visit every day but on this particular day I was in a hurry so it was a flying visit. The fact that I would be back the next day and the next et al did not come into it. I ignored the comment.

As for your mums neighbours I would very calmly but firmly tell them "Thank you for your help with mum it is appreciated but it is not your (their) place to criticise/barrate me (you) in what you should and should not be doing. Much goes on behind the scenes which they do not see and I (you) are not answerable to them as you and only you know the effort that is put in especially as I (you) are still holding down a job as I (you) have bills to pay in between looking after my (your) Mums needs." then walk away before they have a chance to respond

Direct your angst towards those who should be getting it and then you and hubby can hold together during this time of stress.

Please post here anytime as you will get much help and I am sorry if this goes away from Isabella's problems but I felt I must respond to you XXXXXX

Hi

I see some of you coping for years with dementia related illnesses. Ive just been at it 6 months. Its seems so unfair not to the person but us carers as well. I feel carers suffer equally as much as the sufferer in different ways. Most of us are at an age were we still work (i do 30 hrs and weekend admin for hubbies business) so before all this i was juggling life. Now being an only one its left to me to arranges everything down to carers, finanaces , shopping etc. I call everyday after work to `check` and get shopping list, retrieve any letters that may have come that I need to keep. She is constantly on my mind. Its odd as we never had a close relationship and before this happened didnt see her that often as she was out when i was in lol. She was on lots of committees.

With carers and social services I can deal with, but im not coping with her retired neighbours who constantly belittle me telling me to i need to do more, basically wagging the finger at me. I finally snapped yesterday at hubby(poor lovely hubby) and stormed out of the house, didnt come back 90 mins though.

To them they are seeing me not doing much but i do not need to inform them of every little detail i do its not of their business. Question is do i get the two witches (sorry)together and say i appreciate them looking out for MUM but it hurts when they belittle and question my motives?

[carastro]

So sorry for you, but I think you need to step back here. Have a well earned break and if mum is as capable as she thinks she is let her organise her own release, but don't do anything to help. Let every-one know (family, neighbours, social services, GP, Care Manager) that you do not support any decision to let her go home and if any-one wishes to assist her to do so then they can have the responsibility of organising everything including supporting her once she does go home.

Either way, Care Home or her own Home, visit her infrequently. She doesn't deserve any more from the way she treats you.

Carastro

[Isabella41]

Hi everyone

thanks once again for all your comments. You're an amazing bunch and are so much help.

Sharon - It never crossed my mind to think about what area of the brain is affected. If mum does go for the brain scan on Monday we'll find out and then we will know better what we're dealing with but as she changes her mind depending on who is influencing her I wouldn't like to bet she will go through with it.

I had (another) long chat with my husband over the weekend. I've decided not to make things easier for mum by alerting the social worker that she is demanding to go back to original house. I know my aunt is planning on ringing the social worker today but that's her choice. I thought that if I say nothing then the sleeping dog is still sleeping. The social worker will go back to see mum and mum will tell her she wants out. I know there is nothing can be done to force her to stay in the home.

I've taken legal advice this morning and whilst it seems I can't prevent mum from going back across the border to southern ireland i am not legally compelled to help her in any way.

I think I will therefore play the game so to speak and wait for the war to come to me. If the powers that be decide she can be released they can also arrange with whoever to get mum back across the border. I won't stand in their way but neither am I going to facilitate it.

I just know this is all going to end horribly. If mum manages to persuade some idiot to help her move back she is moving back to a place where there is no day to day support. She would be back to cooking, cleaning, managing her own finances and tablets etc. All these do gooders have not offered to come and see her everyday to check that she's ok if she were to move back. If she fell on a cold winters night in the back yard she could lie there for hours or even days.

When mum used to live there I gave up worrying about not getting any reply when I rang as I knew she reguarly yanked the phone out of the wall by accident. The phone repair man and her were on first name terms. Eventually he got fed up and stopped calling so she was often without a phone for a few days. Her immediate neighbours are all eastern europeans as the other houses are all rented out so she couldn't go to them for support either.

If I stick to my guns and refuse to move her back and some idiot does then in all probability she won't speak to me again and neither will these 'friends' of mum's . I know some of you will say that might not be a bad thing but its not how I envisaged it would all end. of course my own daughters may well take mum's side as well and I loose them too. My mum really has alot to answer for for all the grief and annoyance she's caused.

Of course I'd prefer it if she stayed where she was but if she insists on getting out then a compromise would be back to another sheltered housing scheme. At least there would be a care package and warmth and security. I'm not going to be daft enough to suggest this to the social worker however as I'm too afraid that if I mention it I'll find myself back in the role of almost full time carer in addition to full time job.

As mum is still in relatively good physical health, apart from arthritis she could could live for years. Its a horrible thought that I have years of arguments and trouble and strife ahead of me until she gets to the point where she permanently lacks capacity. The irony is that the only reason I moved her up here was that I would be closer to her when she eventually needed a care home. The nearest care home in southern Ireland would be the best part of a 2 hour drive from where I live. My consideration and desire to be able to visit her often has gotten me into this mess. When she was living at home people were commenting on the mess and how she was struggling. No one offered to clean etc and yet these idiots think she should go back to all that.

My aunt (mum's sil) said that if she goes back she will be dead within months - probably as a result of a preventable accident and she will make a point of going up to these people at the funeral and telling them they have mum's blood on their hands.

I had to drag myself into work this morning even though I slept at most 4 hours. My mind is just in overdrive again.

Isabella

[SWMBO1950]

Dear Isabella

As hard as all this is I think you have done really well and got yourself moving and informed of your position.

I really think it is the best thing for you to stand back as you have said in todays post.

Sometimes you hit a brick wall and can only stand and watch it fall down.

It will be very interesting to see if the SW goes along with your mothers demands.

Very Best Wishes

Hi everyone

thanks once again for all your comments. You're an amazing bunch and are so much help.

Sharon - It never crossed my mind to think about what area of the brain is affected. If mum does go for the brain scan on Monday we'll find out and then we will know better what we're dealing with but as she changes her mind depending on who is influencing her I wouldn't like to bet she will go through with it.

I had (another) long chat with my husband over the weekend. I've decided not to make things easier for mum by alerting the social worker that she is demanding to go back to original house. I know my aunt is planning on ringing the social worker today but that's her choice. I thought that if I say nothing then the sleeping dog is still sleeping. The social worker will go back to see mum and mum will tell her she wants out. I know there is nothing can be done to force her to stay in the home.

I've taken legal advice this morning and whilst it seems I can't prevent mum from going back across the border to southern ireland i am not legally compelled to help her in any way.

I think I will therefore play the game so to speak and wait for the war to come to me. If the powers that be decide she can be released they can also arrange with whoever to get mum back across the border. I won't stand in their way but neither am I going to facilitate it.

I just know this is all going to end horribly. If mum manages to persuade some idiot to help her move back she is moving back to a place where there is no day to day support. She would be back to cooking, cleaning, managing her own finances and tablets etc. All these do gooders have not offered to come and see her everyday to check that she's ok if she were to move back. If she fell on a cold winters night in the back yard she could lie there for hours or even days.

When mum used to live there I gave up worrying about not getting any reply when I rang as I knew she reguarly yanked the phone out of the wall by accident. The phone repair man and her were on first name terms. Eventually he got fed up and stopped calling so she was often without a phone for a few days. Her immediate neighbours are all eastern europeans as the other houses are all rented out so she couldn't go to them for support either.

If I stick to my guns and refuse to move her back and some idiot does then in all probability she won't speak to me again and neither will these 'friends' of mum's . I know some of you will say that might not be a bad thing but its not how I envisaged it would all end. of course my own daughters may well take mum's side as well and I loose them too. My mum really has alot to answer for for all the grief and annoyance she's caused.

Of course I'd prefer it if she stayed where she was but if she insists on getting out then a compromise would be back to another sheltered housing scheme. At least there would be a care package and warmth and security. I'm not going to be daft enough to suggest this to the social worker however as I'm too afraid that if I mention it I'll find myself back in the role of almost full time carer in addition to full time job.

As mum is still in relatively good physical health, apart from arthritis she could could live for years. Its a horrible thought that I have years of arguments and trouble and strife ahead of me until she gets to the point where she permanently lacks capacity. The irony is that the only reason I moved her up here was that I would be closer to her when she eventually needed a care home. The nearest care home in southern Ireland would be the best part of a 2 hour drive from where I live. My consideration and desire to be able to visit her often has gotten me into this mess. When she was living at home people were commenting on the mess and how she was struggling. No one offered to clean etc and yet these idiots think she should go back to all that.

My aunt (mum's sil) said that if she goes back she will be dead within months - probably as a result of a preventable accident and she will make a point of going up to these people at the funeral and telling them they have mum's blood on their hands.

I had to drag myself into work this morning even though I slept at most 4 hours. My mind is just in overdrive again.

Isabella

[Dazmum]

Your mind must be in overdrive as you say, but you have a semblance of a plan to let them all get on with it and to me that sounds like a big step forward for you. If all these people are so adamant that your mum can cope with moving back, then they will just have to pick up the pieces, and whatever happens, none of it will be your fault or responsibility. Your daughters may not speak to you for a while and that will be hard of course, but they will see that you have been right and I hope that they are big enough to acknowledge that in time. For now, just continue to stand back and please put yourself and your husband first. Good luck xxx

[Brenda230]

It all sounds good advice. I would do as Chemmy suggests in writing a letter to say you disagree with her going home.

Then you really need a break. Going away for a few days would be good, but maybe this is not possible. Also you would worry what the others might say about that.

However, as someone else said, you would not be able to help her at all if you were ill yourself.

Hang in there, you have a lot of support on here.

[Chemmy]

Sounds like you have a plan, Isabella, and doing nothing can sometimes be the best option. Let the others try and organise something if they will; however I have a feeling that without your active involvement it'll all turn out to be a load of hot air.

So stay calm, stay schtum and sit on the sidelines whilst it all plays out. We'll sit there with you and shout "I told you so" when it all goes **** up or - more likely - fizzles out.

[Farmergirl]

And remember and tell Social services when they do eventually get you, that you have informed your solicitor of what is happening in caseof dire consequences, just in case a court case ever comes to pass as a result of negligence.