I am sitting here typing this in tears (once again). I can feel the tightness in my chest and I have a pounding headache. Since daddy died I have carried her for the past 6 years and its getting worse by the day. now virtually every day for the past 6 months I have lived and breathed my mother and taken her abuse and realise how she had trashed my character and good name to others as well.
I went to see mum today to take her out to the shops and for some lunch. No pleasantries such as "hello, nice to see you". She was straight into how many visitors she had and how they all said she shouldn't be there and that it was all my fault she was there. I had been told by the senior care assistant that her mini mental state exam had been repeated and she scored 22. She scored 22 last October, 18 in February and 14.5 in March. I am very suspicious as to how it could jump from 14.5 to 22 in 2 months and no one seems particularly interested in this point. If it had dropped so dramatically I imagine it would be a different story. It is also interesting that this is the only mini mental that she took when there was no independent witness to hear what was going on. I'm wondering if there is a motive re: funding as to why the dramatic improvement.
All through the journey into town and through lunch she was gonig on and on and on about going home. I kept asking her to drop it and change the subject but she wouldn't let it go. She demanded, no less , that we move all her stuff back at our own expense as it was us moved her here in the first place.
Mum knew she had done well in this test and took it as proof that she was able to go home. My uncle (dad's brother) was one of the visitors who told her she should never have left her own house. The other visitor Margaret (whom I've mentioned befre) told her not to bother having the brain scan or taking memory pills "as there's nothing much they can do for your memory". Mum listened to them and is now refusing to go for the brain scan on monday or take the pills. Mum mentioned getting a solicitor involved to force me to allow her back into her house. Mum wouldn't know these things so it had to him telling her. I told her there was no need for a solicitor and that if the social workers cleared her as fit to live independently I wouldn't step in her way.
I eventually said that if she wanted to arrange with my uncle to move home I wouldn't stand in her way. I told her all her stuff was in my garage and he was free to come and get it at any time. I said we were taking no more time off work to do anymore things for her. She then went on about her pension and again I said he was free to get that all sorted out. She also told Margaret and her husband she had no money (I took it all) so they felt sorry for her and gave her some. Of course the truth is she has an allowance with the home and only has to ask.
I asked her who was going to be supporting her when she moved back home which is 90mins drive away. Her local hospital is a 2hr drive from my house. She said all her friends would. When I asked where was all their support before she moved she said it might be different if she went back. I asked who would take her to all her appointments. Somebody will was the reply. I told her that if she went back home I would be washing my hands of the suituation and she would be on her own. "I don't need you, I've never depended on you for anything" was the reply.
I really am between a rock and a hard place. In light of this miracalous recovery on the mini mental they can't force her to stay in the home. However if they allow her to go back over the border and live alone she will be back in the mess she started from. Interestingly I did take her into town and again she nearly stepped out in front of a car only I pulled on her arm to tell her to wait. She saw the shop she wanted and she was off. Traffic was not a consideration.
I rang auntie dearest in London as amazingly she is now of the opinion that mum should stay where she is. She was horrified at mum moving back home. She actually apologied to me and said the social worker had explained to her how plausible mum was and that she really did need to be in care so she was happy with that. She said she is going to get onto the social worker on monday to see what can be done. I told her she'd welcome to it as I've had more than enough and am so weary of it all.
I left mum earlier as I'd planned to as to be very honest I am sick of hearing the "I'm not staying" record. She was sounding off to the care assistant as I left. The other one suggested I not visit or call for a couple of weeks but I told her it wouldn't make any difference as she'd only ring one of daughters to yap and they would then ring me and tell me off for not caring.
When oh when is this all going to end. I really can't take anymore. There are dark thoughts going round my head right now that scare me.