I've had enough.. Going to through the towel in and let them get on with it

[Isabella41]

I am sitting here typing this in tears (once again). I can feel the tightness in my chest and I have a pounding headache. Since daddy died I have carried her for the past 6 years and its getting worse by the day. now virtually every day for the past 6 months I have lived and breathed my mother and taken her abuse and realise how she had trashed my character and good name to others as well.

I went to see mum today to take her out to the shops and for some lunch. No pleasantries such as "hello, nice to see you". She was straight into how many visitors she had and how they all said she shouldn't be there and that it was all my fault she was there. I had been told by the senior care assistant that her mini mental state exam had been repeated and she scored 22. She scored 22 last October, 18 in February and 14.5 in March. I am very suspicious as to how it could jump from 14.5 to 22 in 2 months and no one seems particularly interested in this point. If it had dropped so dramatically I imagine it would be a different story. It is also interesting that this is the only mini mental that she took when there was no independent witness to hear what was going on. I'm wondering if there is a motive re: funding as to why the dramatic improvement.

All through the journey into town and through lunch she was gonig on and on and on about going home. I kept asking her to drop it and change the subject but she wouldn't let it go. She demanded, no less , that we move all her stuff back at our own expense as it was us moved her here in the first place.

Mum knew she had done well in this test and took it as proof that she was able to go home. My uncle (dad's brother) was one of the visitors who told her she should never have left her own house. The other visitor Margaret (whom I've mentioned befre) told her not to bother having the brain scan or taking memory pills "as there's nothing much they can do for your memory". Mum listened to them and is now refusing to go for the brain scan on monday or take the pills. Mum mentioned getting a solicitor involved to force me to allow her back into her house. Mum wouldn't know these things so it had to him telling her. I told her there was no need for a solicitor and that if the social workers cleared her as fit to live independently I wouldn't step in her way.

I eventually said that if she wanted to arrange with my uncle to move home I wouldn't stand in her way. I told her all her stuff was in my garage and he was free to come and get it at any time. I said we were taking no more time off work to do anymore things for her. She then went on about her pension and again I said he was free to get that all sorted out. She also told Margaret and her husband she had no money (I took it all) so they felt sorry for her and gave her some. Of course the truth is she has an allowance with the home and only has to ask.


I asked her who was going to be supporting her when she moved back home which is 90mins drive away. Her local hospital is a 2hr drive from my house. She said all her friends would. When I asked where was all their support before she moved she said it might be different if she went back. I asked who would take her to all her appointments. Somebody will was the reply. I told her that if she went back home I would be washing my hands of the suituation and she would be on her own. "I don't need you, I've never depended on you for anything" was the reply.

I really am between a rock and a hard place. In light of this miracalous recovery on the mini mental they can't force her to stay in the home. However if they allow her to go back over the border and live alone she will be back in the mess she started from. Interestingly I did take her into town and again she nearly stepped out in front of a car only I pulled on her arm to tell her to wait. She saw the shop she wanted and she was off. Traffic was not a consideration.

I rang auntie dearest in London as amazingly she is now of the opinion that mum should stay where she is. She was horrified at mum moving back home. She actually apologied to me and said the social worker had explained to her how plausible mum was and that she really did need to be in care so she was happy with that. She said she is going to get onto the social worker on monday to see what can be done. I told her she'd welcome to it as I've had more than enough and am so weary of it all.

I left mum earlier as I'd planned to as to be very honest I am sick of hearing the "I'm not staying" record. She was sounding off to the care assistant as I left. The other one suggested I not visit or call for a couple of weeks but I told her it wouldn't make any difference as she'd only ring one of daughters to yap and they would then ring me and tell me off for not caring.

When oh when is this all going to end. I really can't take anymore. There are dark thoughts going round my head right now that scare me.

[Farmergirl]

Ignore your phone or unplug it.

You need a break from this. personally I wouldnt visit your mum for a fortnight - let someone else deal with it - seriously. What are you going to do? wait for the effect of her to give you a heart attack? Beacause amazingly, someone else will have to deal with her then. hard, but true.

Im fed up with the **** my mum gives me every visit - it is nasty and monotonous - now I visit fortnightly - its easier on me, and frankly i dont think she notices that its a fortnight.
be kind to yourself - who is it going to help if you are ill?

Are your sisters or daughters or whoever going to rush right round and see to mum? No, of course not. Your the patsy!
Unplug the phone.
And get in touch with social services on monday.

[ellejay]

Step back, Isabella. Do as you said, and if they let your mum move out, someone has to arrange for a place for her to live etc. It won't be you.

I would take the carers advice and take a break from visiting. If your daughters phone you to moan, tell them " I love to talk to you, but I will not discuss mums situation with you " and change the subject.

If they don't stop, you could point out that as they seem to think a daughters (your) job is to make her mother top priority, why don't they afford you the same privilege?

Stay strong

Lin x

[Haylett]

Dear Isabella, I don't know what to say, only to let you know that I have read this and feel so sorry for you. No wonder your head is pounding, no wonder you are feeling overwhelmed with the constant stress of it all. Thank goodness the aunt has now seen sense and is in your corner. I know your husband is weary of it all as well - I wonder if your aunt could speak to others in the family to explain how your Mum really needs to be in care for her own wellbeing? (And incidentally, how you have tried so hard to support and help her despite the abuse you get). I'm sorry, I don't remember whether your daughters are close or not - but if they are within visiting distance, I would ask them to step in and "do their bit" to support their grandmother and more importantly, to support you. To advise your Mum to return home, is ridiculous and downright dangerous. She will be at huge risk to herself unless the "friends" are willing to be there for her 24/7 as you have been. I have always tried to do everything that my Mum needed - but honestly, if I were in your position, I would simply not be able to do any more.

If the SS is willing to sign off in returning your Mum to her home, I'm afraid the responsibility of the consequences rest with them. The sad thing is that it would also rebound on you too. Time to bring in whatever troops you have on your side, I think, Isabella. You need Time Out big time.

[Grannie G]

I agree Isabella. Step back.

Call the bluff of all those who interfere. They are all talk, no one will take the responsibility.

If anyone complains to you, invite them to take over if they believe they can do better , or shut up.

The only sensible advice you are getting is that from the carers to step back.

[Chemmy]

Call the bluff of all those who interfere.

Agreed. I'd be tempted to draft out a very short standard letter saying that you do not agree with any decision to move your mother out of residential care and that you will not accept responsibility for her if they do so. And then hand it out to anyone who thinks it's a good idea, starting with the SW.

Your views are set down in black and white and then you can refuse to get drawn into a pointless argument with any of them.

[littlegem]

Dear Isabella,
I would have walked out the moment she started when I went to pick her up for the day out.

Please step back.

You've had good advice from everyone, please take care of yourself. Enough is enough.

(((((((hugs and good wishes)))))))))
xx

[Onlyme]

Mum did a memory test and got 21, six months on 19, six months later 17 and six months later 25! 25? What a good score - unfortunately within 10 minutes of getting that score she didn't know what day it was, where she lived, what day it was or where her feet were. She also thought she had had an eye test

These tests are a load of rubbish. Despite your Mum saying she is fine I would guess that she has been told she needs to stay and that she has twisted it in her mind. Mum did the same and told me repeatedly that she is 100%. Your Mum may be trying to convince herself that she is fine and so has to blame everything on you as it can't be her.

Mum told me yesterday that she is going home and has told everyone she is off. She wants to go home to house in a town that she hasn't lived in for 60 years.

Please stand back, things grind very slowly and if your Mum is fit to leave the SW will be on the phone PDQ but she won't. Let your aunt do some running about, it sounds as if she is totally on your side and will now step in to protect you.

Loads of hugs

[Dazmum]

Agree absolutely with all the advice you have been given here, time to stand back and look after your own health. I feel really sorry that you are in this position. Please take care of yourself and let them all get on with it, having made your position clear by letter, don't be drawn into it any more; at least your aunt is on your side at last. xxx

PS Don't visit and don't feel guilty, there is no need.

[jan.s]

Dear Isabella
I don't think there is much I can add to the advice given. I am pleased to see that London aunt has been able to see that your decisions are good ones and is ready to add her support. Maybe, it's worth contacting dad'd brother and suggesting that as he feels so strongly, maybe he would take responsibility for her well being.

Others are right, you must pull back and look after yourself. I know it's easy to say and your loyalty to your mum is deep rooted, but in the home she is well cared for, warm, fed etc and will come to no harm. Let the home cope with her.

Sending you hugs. Try to be strong.
Love Jan xx

[SWMBO1950]

Hi Isabella

I think you are very brave to continue with the shopping trip with your mother going on at you. I would have taken her straight back and gone home - self preservation!!

There have been some very good suggestions before my post and I really think you should take some of that advice before all this stress catches up with you.

Tell your daughters and other relatives if they are so worried about their grandmother /SIL and you are apparently doing such an awful job you defer to them and they can look after her - it wont last long I can bet.

You may like to ask 'Margaret' how long she has been qualified as a medic to be advising your mother not to have the scan or take her meds - what a cheek that woman has

Please step back xx

ps: So pleased 'London Aunty ' has seen the light!

[optocarol]

"She was straight into how many visitors she had and how they all said she shouldn't be there..."

Just want to say one thing re this - my husband's last MMSE score was 23, which most would consider not that bad, but I have got to where I don't rely on anything he says, unless I can prove it in some way or I heard it myself. So, I'm saying that just becuase your mother said visitors made certain comments, doesn't mean they did, in my opinion.

[SWMBO1950]

I think you have a point there and yes often they they say are not true however please step back Isabella you dont need the stress!!

"She was straight into how many visitors she had and how they all said she shouldn't be there..."

Just want to say one thing re this - my husband's last MMSE score was 23, which most would consider not that bad, but I have got to where I don't rely on anything he says, unless I can prove it in some way or I heard it myself. So, I'm saying that just becuase your mother said visitors made certain comments, doesn't mean they did, in my opinion.

[smudge54]

Hi

I see some of you coping for years with dementia related illnesses. Ive just been at it 6 months. Its seems so unfair not to the person but us carers as well. I feel carers suffer equally as much as the sufferer in different ways. Most of us are at an age were we still work (i do 30 hrs and weekend admin for hubbies business) so before all this i was juggling life. Now being an only one its left to me to arranges everything down to carers, finanaces , shopping etc. I call everyday after work to `check` and get shopping list, retrieve any letters that may have come that I need to keep. She is constantly on my mind. Its odd as we never had a close relationship and before this happened didnt see her that often as she was out when i was in lol. She was on lots of committees.

With carers and social services I can deal with, but im not coping with her retired neighbours who constantly belittle me telling me to i need to do more, basically wagging the finger at me. I finally snapped yesterday at hubby(poor lovely hubby) and stormed out of the house, didnt come back 90 mins though.

To them they are seeing me not doing much but i do not need to inform them of every little detail i do its not of their business. Question is do i get the two witches (sorry)together and say i appreciate them looking out for MUM but it hurts when they belittle and question my motives?

[Onlyme]

"She was straight into how many visitors she had and how they all said she shouldn't be there..."

Just want to say one thing re this - my husband's last MMSE score was 23, which most would consider not that bad, but I have got to where I don't rely on anything he says, unless I can prove it in some way or I heard it myself. So, I'm saying that just becuase your mother said visitors made certain comments, doesn't mean they did, in my opinion.

Totally agree. Mum will come up with all sorts of things and for a while it holds together until she tells you that her Mum and Dad came, an aunt etc - all dead for years.