New to site...need opinion/advice

[smudge54]

Hi all

My Mum has been diagnosed to vascular dementia since Jan 2012. Slight symptoms did start to appear before hand. We are at the point now were we will start having to pay towards her carers, she has had the financial assessment etc and POA is going through now for me. I have arranged everything for Mum down to meetings with SS, carers and solicitor.

Im an only child with hubby and 2 grown up daughters who support me the best way they can. First issue is with her neighbours, one can be helpful but does insist on `wagging her finger` at me each time I see her saying you need to do, that and the other and asking me what im playing at when things do not seem to be happening when they are, shes does not need to know everything. Another one has accused me of not taking Mum out (she does not like and does not deals well with going out) Rightly or wrongly I said I work 30 hrs as well as part time admin for hubby and do not
drive so would be impractical expecting her to walk to and from my house with me. She said tell her she has no choice just take her. You cannot force her. The thing is these two gossip about Mum to other neighbours, Could it be care for a neighbour and just retired people having too much time on their hands. They make me feel useless even though family say Im doing more than is needed. When i got home today I just flipped screamed at hubby( never done that before poor thing) and stormed out crying in shoes and coat not really suitable for a 4 mile walk. Im loosing it, feel scared and bullied

[CollegeGirl]

Hi Smudge 54 and welcome to Talking Point. I think you need to start a new thread with your post - go to the forum "Support for people with dementia and their carers" then click on "Forum Tools" then "Post a New Thread". You will get lots of support, advice and sympathy here.

You are certainly not useless, so don't let those neighbours make you feel that way. You are obviously doing a lot for your mum, and of course the neighbours don't have to know everything that goes on. Keep your chin up and post again in a new thread to get lots of other lovely TPers answering your post.

Take care xx

[jenniferpa]

Smudge - I've moved your post and Collegegirls to this new thread so it won't get overlooked.

[frazzled1]

Hi all

My Mum has been diagnosed to vascular dementia since Jan 2012. Slight symptoms did start to appear before hand. We are at the point now were we will start having to pay towards her carers, she has had the financial assessment etc and POA is going through now for me. I have arranged everything for Mum down to meetings with SS, carers and solicitor.

Im an only child with hubby and 2 grown up daughters who support me the best way they can. First issue is with her neighbours, one can be helpful but does insist on `wagging her finger` at me each time I see her saying you need to do, that and the other and asking me what im playing at when things do not seem to be happening when they are, shes does not need to know everything. Another one has accused me of not taking Mum out (she does not like and does not deals well with going out) Rightly or wrongly I said I work 30 hrs as well as part time admin for hubby and do not
drive so would be impractical expecting her to walk to and from my house with me. She said tell her she has no choice just take her. You cannot force her. The thing is these two gossip about Mum to other neighbours, Could it be care for a neighbour and just retired people having too much time on their hands. They make me feel useless even though family say Im doing more than is needed. When i got home today I just flipped screamed at hubby( never done that before poor thing) and stormed out crying in shoes and coat not really suitable for a 4 mile walk. Im loosing it, feel scared and bullied

Hello there,

Welcome here, you will find lots of lovely people to support you here, and through this support here, you will find the courage, i promise you that, to be polite but firm to these neighbours and you really dont have to tell them much, a simple "I am doing fine, thank you very much" is o.k.. Regarding going out, its a personal choice, and what matters, even if its just taking mum out for a spin around the block or a cup of tea somewhere like a garden centre then home again, is that you both enjoy it, and feel as happy and relaxed as is possible under the stressful circumstances you are in. The weather has hardly been helpful but perhaps when summer is here, properly instead of half-heartedly, you will both feel more inclined to fresh air, or at least to enjoy the view out of the window which you cant do when its sheet rain! Stay on here and post as often as you like and feel free to "vent" when you have a difficult day as you are sure to feel better after doing so! The first and most important thing to do if you feel scared and especially bullied...is to tell someone....so the bullying behaviour can be talked about and we can find a way to help you to stop it, so this bully has less power and eventally gives up, and all the power ends up with you.

Well done for arranging all the finances....no wonder you feel like a good cry and even a scream!! Its a job well done but not without a considerable amount of hard work and stress. I hope you find some time for relaxation this weekend. Big Hug!

[Delphie]

It's tough enough being a carer without a critical audience watching and finding fault.

It sounds like you're doing lots for your mum already so please try not to feel pressured by these people. It might feel unnatural to be a little bit short with them (we're so conditioned to be polite) but keep in mind that they think it's perfectly acceptable to criticise you so don't be afraid to close all further attempts to have a pop at you down with a smile and a "thank you for your interest" (or whatever rolls off the tongue best).

My gut feeling is that if these people really had your mum's best interests at heart they'd be offering help, asking what they can do, instead of telling you what you're not doing, so although I might be wrong I think what you have there is pointless interference. Unless you've asked for their opinion, they have no right to carry on with this running commentary on how you're looking after your mum.

[jude50]

Hi and welcome to TP. I would be so tempted to say to the neighbours that it is your business how you care for your Mum and you will not enter into a discussion with them about it. I did have some friends in work recently who kept on telling me thay I had to put Mum into a care home and I had my Boss tell them all that I appreciated their concerns for me but they weren't helping and I was felling pressurised by it and it was amking me stressed so perhaps your Husband could have a word for you so it came from him voicing concern for you and so it doesn't sound like you are having a go if you see what I mean. You've done so well to sort out the financial side it's hard work and you should give yourslef a pat on the back for a job well done.

Be kind to yourself and come back anytime to have a rant, scream, cry or whatever you need. we are here for you

Jude

[hollycat]

Have a similar problem; lots of opinions, rumours and not much action.

My OH and I have simply kept all personal information away from them and advised them that it is MUMS WISHES.

My other half is an ex retirement warden, a role I supportd him in. We both ceased to be amazed by the cruelty of the elderly.

We are of the opinion that they just DON'T UNDERSTAND, nothing more, nothing less.

The neighbours keep telling us mum does not have alzheimers but general old age forgetfulness........I rest my case !

[kassy]

My mum lived in a warden controlled flat.Every time i visited mum,quite a few of the other residents would come out of their flats and say 'mum was in a state because i didn't visit often enough,didn't take her out and didn't do enough for her.'

They said mum cried all the time because of me being such a terrible daughter.

Not one of them would listen when i tried to explain i was doing everything in my power to help her,and she had dementia.

It really upset me,especially as they were all elderly,and i couldn't risk upsetting them.

When mum went into a care home,we hired a van to clear her flat.Mum's neighbours were staring out of their windows and tut tutting and shaking their heads.It was distressing enough to clear the flat without being made to feel guilty.

Looking back i suppose i can sort of understand,mum had said i hated her,and she was believable.

[Nebiroth]

A quick way to shut them up is to say "Thank you - as you're so concerned about mum I'm sure you'll be willing to help out. How would you feel about having mum in with you for, say, one afternoon per week?"

They will either find excuses and scurry back under their stones - in which case they are just interfering curtain twitchers - or they really are genuinely concerned and will help, in which case, they will experience how things are.

Either way, I suspect you wouldn;t be hearing any more complaints.

My grandmother lived for a line time in a block of retirement appartments. It really is an old lady thing - I think it was a combination of sheer boredom that made them overly fascinated with the details of each other's lives, combined with a conviction that being elderly grants one a license to hand out advice. I'm sure there's probably some justifcation in the latter, since they all had a great deal of experience of life. On the other hand, this doesn't necessarily mean the advice is welcome or indeed helpful, espescially if it's delivered in the form of a lecture or finger-wagging instructions.

It will sound horribly sexist, but I think that old women tend to be far worse nosy parkers and gossips than old men. Espescially as in general, women live longer than men, very often outliving their husbands and ending up on their own with nothing else to occupy them. Or they are housebound and no longer capable of much else.

[chucky]

Hi Smudge, i'd be inclined to tell them its none of their business what you do or dont do regarding your caring. If im asked how my parents are my answer is always, good days and bad. I give no details and therefore they have nothing to gossip about. It makes my blood boil when people who have no idea how hard it is to look after a dementia sufferer spouting off **** to all and sundry. Everyone is entitled to an opinion, IF they are the ones doing the caring, neighbours etc should butt out as far as im concerned. I know of a colleague i used to work with, whose mum is very far advanced with dementia, lives alone and has had many accidents, wandering off, trying to light papers in a plastic bin to keep warm etc and it beggars belief that she is adamant she wont go into a care home. Theres many a day i feel like telling her that her mum is badly needing 24/7 care but as its none of my business i refrain from saying anything. Who am i to tell someone else how to run their lives. I fear for the womans safety, but if shes adamant she wont go to a home what is her daughter supposed to do. Having neighbours etc putting their tuppence worth in, you can do without. If it was the case they were trying to help, fair enough, but if nothing more than criticism is being offered i would be telling them where to go.