Can't cope with desperate telephone calls

[Pammy]

It s just getting so bad now mum is phoning all the time saying she can't stand being on her own, she is crying all the time I don't know how much more we can cope with. I don' t look forward to weekends or anything anymore just dread the phone ringing and not being able to pacify her and then she hangs up on me leaving me feeling like a rung out dishcloth. There are three of us and we take it in turns to visit her for about 3 hours a day she doesn' appreciate it and complains all the time, she has always been a difficult woman which makes it all the harder to deal with. She has no conversation as she has no memory but insists we sit down and talk all the time we are there she does not want us to do any jobs, which would make visiting a bit easier. The minute you get home she is ringing to say she has not seen anybody all day. I go on 2 buses there and 2 buses back and just feel like its awaste of time. The doctor suggests she goes into a home but she will not hear of it. We have arranged for her to go to a day centre and then she would not go at the last minute, I suggest taking her out in a taxi but she says she will not go in a taxi she doesn't like them. She cannot go out on her own and she is very bad on her legs. She doesn't want to hear about anything we have done,she never has done, and as for going on holiday she ruins it for me every time I just feel guilty as if I shouldn't be going because she is jealous. I am 62 and feel like by the time I do not have all this going on I will be too old to enjoy life, its an awful way to feel and I feel awful for feeling like this. I know so many of you on this forum have terrible times and quite honestly there doesn' t seem to be any answers you just know it can only get worse.

[Christin]

Hello Pammy, I am sorry to read that you are so upset. Has your mum had a care assessment? These constant phone calls must be so draining for you all. I can remember that my OH husband and I went away for a day once and FIL phoned us asking us where we were. It was one of the signs that caused us so much concern. Sadly, as you say, things do deteriorate, and in our case FIL reached a stage where he could not be left alone and did not recognise the phone.

Each stage brings it own worries and concerns, please don't worry about posting.

Very best wishes to you all x

[Boudeca2007]

Reading your post just sent me way back to 2002 when my late Mum kept ringing me and little sis all the time. She couldn't speak so she just used to cry and scream, it was heart breaking. Before dementia she was the most loviest and best Mum anyone could have but dementia changed her personality and took away her ability to speak. We also had to travel on 2 buses to get to her house and it was a complete nightmare. I got Diabetes and the GP said I was heading for a complete physical breakdown.

You must let the adult social services / social worker know that you cannot cope anymore - it's a drastic step to take but we had to make that decision in the end. If you burn out then you will be of no use to your Mum and it's not fair for you and your family. Don't feel guilty - easy for me to say as I still feel guilty about letting Mum go into a Nursing Home. But looking at it logically it was the only option for us because Mum needed proper 24/7 specialist care which we could never give her.

[ellejay]

Hi Pammy,
I do feel for you. This was my mum too. The insistence that she never saw anyone, the refusal to accept help from anyone except family (I don't need them, I've got you) The denial that she had been offered any help, the constant phone calls, fear & panic.

In the end she had a couple of falls that meant hospital stays where she was assessed as needing 24/7 care & she was transfered from hospital, to respite bed & then permanent care.

Please tell the GP you are struggling, your mums wants can't be more important than your health & wellbeing

Take care of yourself

Lin x

[SWMBO1950]

HI Pammy

I am so sorry to read your desperate situation. I have a friend who went though this very same scenario with her mother . If she could not get hold of her she would the ring round her sons to find out where she was.

My only suggestion to you is (as I said to my friend) get caller ID on your telephone and when you feel you have taken enough calls per day dont answer any more and take the phone off the hook at night - telling anyone to call your mobile (if you have one) in an emergency.

I know this sounds harsh but as you are unable to pacify her there is nothing to be gained for either of you from these calls. This phase will I am sure pass but it must be hell whilst you are going through it.

My friend and I are the same age as you and whilst her mother died just after Christmas I am still at it with my mother (who is 97) - every day - and whilst like you I read about people who seems to be worse off than I am - everything is relevant.

I also feel that I am going to be too old soon. We should be at at time when we can go off but we cannot can we? Whilst we have the help of Carers (2 x daily) who enable me to have 'some life' every day is governed by my mothers needs (I am there every day also). It is my 40th wedding anniversary this year and we wanted to go off on a long holiday but are unable to do so because of my mothers needs.

You are not alone and I really do empathise.

Best Wishes xx

[SWMBO1950]

Hear Hear Ellejay!!

Hi Pammy,
I do feel for you. This was my mum too. The insistence that she never saw anyone, the refusal to accept help from anyone except family (I don't need them, I've got you) The denial that she had been offered any help, the constant phone calls, fear & panic.

In the end she had a couple of falls that meant hospital stays where she was assessed as needing 24/7 care & she was transfered from hospital, to respite bed & then permanent care.

Please tell the GP you are struggling, your mums wants can't be more important than your health & wellbeing

Take care of yourself

Lin x

[CINDYJANE]

I agree with ellajay's comments. My mother phoned me 16 times in just over an hour yesterday, and filled my answerphone. We were driving over to take her out for lunch as it was her 83rd birthday and so of course I was not at home... She keeps worrying that she is overdrawn at the bank and her pension has been stopped-- I don't know why as neither are true. However hard I try she can't now take in my reassurance that everything is ok. I know that she forgets that she is calling all the time, I know she is safe, so I have to try and accept these calls are part of my mum's memory loss and there is nothing anyone can do about it. My mother is fiercely independent, and hates any help, but believes there is nothing wrong with her memory.... However as she appears to have got worse over the last fortnight, her OT is arranging for another needs assessment.
I am wondering about trying to get my mum to stay for a few days/week or so in a care-home near me, to see how she is really coping and to see if maybe being in a place where there is constant reassurance, she might be less anxious and also eat some food!

[Sharon Waugh]

Hi Pammy,

My situation is very similar to yours. Except now my Mum is in hospital, my brother no longer able to cope being her carer, and we have agreed with the Dr that she should go into a home. We are too afraid to tell her. My brother is not emotionally strong enough to visit her in hospital. I go every day or every other day, dependant on how horrible she has been to me and it is wearing me down so badly. Yesterday, as soon as I said Hello to her, she was crying and screaming and begging me to take her home. I have lied to her and told her I don't know anything about her going into a home as this is what she fears most. But I don't want to push her over the edge when she probably won't remember me telling her the next day. I have had to stop all phone calls from the hospital as she just distresses us so much. Like you, Mum has never been what you would describe as a sweet little old lady. She is 86 now, blind and deaf and has dimentia. Guilt? Tell me about it! I have it by the bucket load!! And the thing is, I don't even really know why!!

We, as our parents children, can only do so much. You are doing the best you can and at the end of the day, if you know you can look at yourself in the mirror and know you have done the best thing for your Mum, then that is the most important thing. I try telling myself this daily. It is much easier to say it to other people!!

Good luck Pammy and remember, look after yourself too.

Sharon
X

[Witzend]

This is so hard. My mother's constant phoning - at the worst she would phone my brother 30 times in one hour - was just one of the reasons we finally went down the CH route. Quite apart from the dreadful strain of it, brother was running 2 businesses from home - he had that number on his literature and could not just not answer or change it.
My mother did not want to go into a CH, either. And since she would have rejected the idea outright and simply refused to go, we just didn't either discuss it with her or tell her in advance.

She was already 89 by then and had had a pretty good life, all things considered, and although it might sound selfish to some, I for one was more concerned with those in their 50s and 60s, particularly my brother, whose well-being was most definitely beginning to be affected. I will never forget the day when I was on the phone to him and heard my robust, jolly, good-natured brother burst into racking, tearing sobs because our mother had said such vile things to him.

IMO there comes a time when enough is enough.

[Sharon Waugh]

The first time you went to see her in the home? I'm terrified and it hasnt happened yet.

[Witzend]

The first time you went to see her in the home? I'm terrified and it hasnt happened yet.

If you're asking me, Sharon, well, I can't say it was pleasant. We had her mildly sedated with Valium to get her there in the first place - 2 siblings and I + brother in law took her - she thought we were going out for lunch.

For some time after she went in she was angry and upset, insisting there was nothing wrong with her, but TBH by then she needed 24/7 supervision - wasn't safe to be left even for half an hour, and we'd left it too long already.

While it was horrible putting her there, and we all felt very guilty, I can't pretend that it wasn't also a colossal relief all round. Between us we had provided a massive amount of support over several years to enable her to stay at home - for ages we'd hardly ever been able to get her to leave the house at all - but we had come to the end of our collective tether. Plus there had finally been a crisis - a fairly bad fall which she could not even remember happening, although she was black and blue with bruising.

She did more or less settle at the CH eventually though I can't pretend it was quick, and even after nearly 5 years still asks to go 'home' though usually means her parents' old house now.

[Pammy]

Thank you all for your replies it does help to get it off your chest and hear from people who are having the same problems, although for some of you it sounds so bad, the business of putting a parent into a ch must be a nightmare, I know it will come for us eventually and I suppose you just have to cope. My love to you all. Take care.

[Biddy88]

Pammy, I feel for you - your Mum sounds exactly like mine! She was discharged home from hospital again on Friday night and has done nothing but cry and say she wants to 'go home' ever since. V confused, doesn't recognise her house, doesn't remember being sectioned & being in hospital for a month. She keeps phoning my sister and sobbing down the phone. She can't read or watch tv any more, and she's got v little mobility, so there's nothing to occupy her. She's absolutely miserable, as we knew she would be. We begged the hospital social care team not to send her home again but she's quite chirpy & reasonable when in hospital and they get a false impression. Like you, I just don't know what to do, and there doesn't seem to be an answer.

Can anyone suggest how we can get her to go into residential care?! We've tried talking to her, & sometimes she'll say she'll go for a trial, but when it's all arranged she refuses point blank to go. My poor sister can't take any more. She's told social services she's 'resigned' as carer, and is trying to step back as much as possible, but Mum won't leave her alone. The care package doesn't cover her needs. She's been in and out of hospital because of falls & infections since December, and everyone agrees she needs 24 hr care but every time she's assessed they say she has capacity and if she wants to go home there's nothing to stop her. How do we get around that? Arghhh!!!

[Petrina]

Dad phones me but not that often yet. He's started phoning me at night and I don't think he means to be unreasonable, he just loses track of the time and he knows I'm not an early-to-bed person anyway.

Nevertheless, even though he doesn't phone every five minutes, knowing he's going to call unpredictably in a state over some little thing is stressful. I've tried leaving notes at his house about things he regularly gets upset about but he buries them under piles of paper. He keeps forgetting I'm handling his finances and phones me with money worries. (He's got enough money for his needs, his pension and benefits are coming in, his bills are paid by direct debit and his tax is all sorted.)

I find it terribly difficult to cope with the unpredictability. One day he's pottering down to the village and doing his shopping, posting his letters, enjoying the sunshine; and another day he's stuck in the house rifling through paperwork in a terrible state.

I find it difficult not to get in a state over things myself. I feel I want to phone him every half hour saying "You haven't taken anything out of the filing cabinet, have you?" and "You haven't put those Nimh batteries in the NiCd trickle charger, have you?" and "You haven't bought anything at the door, have you?" but there's no point. It does make me aware, though, that if you've forgotten the past and aren't sure where you are now, the panic rises and whereas I can think "I'll sort it out when I go round later" he can't do that.

[Sharon Waugh]

On the subject of distressing phone calls. The hospital just rang and said mum wanted to talk to me. I said that I was wary as I can't pacify her but she asked me to try. I did. Then I got - they have stolen my things, my slippers have gone, these are not my nighties ( she is blind so can't know this anyway). Nothing I said calmed her down. The nurse came back on and apologised. Bit late for that! Now I feel awful. She asked me when I was going I. I said tomorrow to which she burst into tears and said I had to go now. No, no, no! I can't deal with this anymore.