father is abusing mother who is the main carer

[desperately]

HI

This is my first time on here and I am not sure where to start but am desperate for help. My parents live in a rural setting and are physically isolated. My mother is physically ill and disabled and my father has all the sypmtoms and behaviour of fronto-temporal dementia.
His behaivour has become increasingly worse and at a rappid rate. recently he he accused my mother of having affairs and has said all the familly are conspiring against hi, this had lead to my mother cutting herself off from the familly to calm my father down. He is so abusive to her and now has cut her off from her support network. The house they live in needs a lot of maintenance and my mother has been trying to keep up with it despite her physical disabilities but when we mention moving house my father goes crazy. He has accused everone of stealing from him. He tells my mother he will move then laughs in her face an hour later saying it will never happen. He hoards things all over the house and keeps spending all thier money on junk. The garden looks like a scrap yard but he refuses to let anyone move anything. He has accused me of calling him a murderer when i have said no such thing and now my mother has ask i stay away too as she cant deal with the aftermath of any visitors.
I am so worried about my mother as my fathers illness has made him so mean and he is slowly cutting her off from everyone and to all tense and purpose is keeping he a prisoner and hostage in thier home.
I have no idea what i am meant to do or how i can help but i know i can not let it continue or they will end up dead before the year is out.

[Grannie G]

Welcome to Talking Point.

Would it be possible for you to make an appointment with your father`s doctor, the one monitoring his dementia? Your mother should not be forced to tolerate this behaviour but is probably resistant to asking for outside help because of her loyalty to your father or even fear.

Really it might help if you speak to your mother`s doctor as well. There must be some way of helping both your parents for your father cannot be happy either.

I hope others might have suggestions for you . I think you are the only one who can take steps to make things a bit better for your parents.

[jeany123]

What a awful situation to be in I hope you get help . I am thinking of you ,

Best wishes

Jeany x

[Tooshie]

Hello Desperately,

I am so sorry to hear of your very distressing situation.

I'm no expert, but I'm learning fast...

If you father has not been diagnosed, you need to get him done fast - if that is possible. If not, try to see if you can get his GP involved. It may be difficult, and your father may resist, but you or someone has to try. Social Services will assess him abilities, taking into account Activities of Daily Living etc.

Your Mother needs a Carer's Assessment carried out on her. Social Services will also assess her abilities, disabilities and the demands upon her physically and emotionally, and hopefully provide support for HER.

Consider the Safeguarding issues. Your Mother is a Vulnerable Adult as your father's behaviour is threatening, and could possibly resort to violence. You need to try to get the support and treatment in place to make sure she is protected.

But... at the end of the day, they both have to accept the issues and agree to receive support, otherwise SS are powerless, unless your father is medically diagnosed as not having full mental capacity to make decisions.

I do hope this helps a little, and I am certain that someone will be along soon to give you more factual advice.

Welcome to TP Desperately. It is a wonderfully supportive community.

Very best of luck, and much sympathy.

Tooshie x